When a man and a woman first get together it can be going along nicely and as soon as things start to become a little more serious, a man can begin to pull away. This is naturally going to be confusing for the woman and may make no sense whatsoever.
And it can depend on how connected the woman felt to the man, as to how she responds to what took place. If everything was going well and there was the potential for so much more to occur, then there is higher chance that there will not only be anger and frustration, but also a sense of sadness and even loss.
It could be devastating and the consequences could be severe; especially if this is something she has experienced time and time again. A one off may be dismissed, but to continually attract a man who is unavailable could be overwhelming and hard to comprehend.
There is often said to be a whole range of reasons as to why a guy would pull away. And these can include a guy that is: not fully interested in the women, is at a stage where he is not ready to settle down or doesn’t want to lose his freedom, amongst other reasons.
These can sound reasonable and may settle a women’s mind. However, if they are with a man who is into them just as must as they are into him, these are unlikely to really answer a woman’s questions.
As it was going well and flowing along nicely, it would be clear that the interest is there. And while the man may not be ready to settle down, if he has met someone he has clicked with, surely he would be open to going further. Certain freedoms may be lost, but other freedoms would be gained along the way.
At first these reasons might settle a woman’s thoughts and emotions, but based on the human need to connect with another human being, it is often more about someone’s level of emotional maturity that it is about these other reasons.
In The Beginning
From the start the man could come across as being fairly interested or he could across as being extremely into the woman. And if the man was extremely keen in the beginning, it is going to be more of a shock when he pulls away.
This could be man that is in regular contact and one who wants to spend as much time as possible with the woman and take her to places. Or in the case of a guy who is fairly interested, this might just include wanting to see her on a regular basis and to keep everything fairly consistent.
So at one moment, a woman can feel that the man is into her and everything is going so well. And the next moment, the man can become: cold, distant and completely unavailable.
Hot And Cold
While the above could be what happens, it could also be something that goes in cycles. So it is not a case of the man being available and then not being available and that’s the end of it. The man could be available and then unavailable and then after a while become available again and the cycle then continues.
When this happens, a woman could end up being taken advantage of and compromising, if she hasn’t got strong boundaries. The man could then be pursued and come to conclude that his behaviour is acceptable to the woman.
And if a woman is constantly attracting these kinds of men into her life, then it could be a sign of her own fear of intimacy. Consciously there may be the desire to connect with a man and to avoid being abandoned and at a deeper level; there could be a fear of being engulfed by one.
The Unavailable Man
So as he is available at first and then shortly after becomes unavailable, it is likely that he has a fear of intimacy at a deeper level. The reason he comes on so strong at first could relate to his conscious fear of being abandoned.
And as the relationship grows stronger, his deeper fear of being engulfed arises. When he pulls away and this deeper fear settles down, the fear of being abandoned can arise once more and the interest can reappear.
These fears are not necessarily problems per se, what can lead to problems are when these fears are reacted to, instead of faced, processed and healed.
One of the primary causes of this type of behaviour and these inner fears that causes it is the relationship a man had with his mother as a child. This could have been a mother that was emotional undeveloped and so used her son to take care of her own needs and wants.
And as she was not aware of her own behaviour and out of tune with her sons needs, she ended up smothering her son in the process. The son would have wanted his mother to fulfil his wants and needs, but would have feared being smothered if this took place.
Whether he got attention or not would therefore lead to the experience of pain. To be left would cause the feeling of being abandoned, but if the mother was available it would result in the feeling of being engulfed.
These inner fears are creating conflict for the man and until they become aware of them, there is unlikely to be any real change. These fears and emotions, that have remained trapped in the body since those early years, can be released with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
When a woman feels completely comfortable with intimacy, it is unlikely that she would be attracted to a man who is not. So a woman may also have some letting go to do.
Someone I know very well one day turned to me and said that nothing good ever happened to her. She really believed that to be the case and looked incredulous when I challenged her by offering a few examples of familiar kindnesses and good manners than often come our way.
She reflected and then acknowledged that her perspective had become skewed to a perpetual negative wavelength. It was only then that she realised how hard-wired she'd become to constantly worry and anticipate bad things, so losing the ability to notice any good.
For some people worrying is a way of life. They constantly worry about what might happen, what might go wrong. Even when everything's going well they worry, 'what if it doesn't last?' This state of hyper-vigilance may have been learned in childhood, where their home life was a constant round of checking, fretting and anxious behaviour. Or they may have been the recipient of endless criticism and so learned to constantly worry as they monitored themselves in order to avoid falling short.
Whilst there's a role for being prepared for most eventualities, automatically expecting the worst can become a habit. Perspective is the key to living a happier, more optimistic life. This doesn't mean wearing rose-tinted glasses, being naive or excusing bad behaviour but being hard-wired to constantly worry means that we're programmed to always tune in to potentially negative signals.
Even people in therapy who are doing really well, coping much better with daily life, confidentially and efficiently handling unexpected challenges can sometimes struggle to let go of worry, especially in stressful situations. Worry may have become an automatic default which is all too easy to revert back to. It's almost an insurance policy; by staying on full alert nothing bad can slip by and catch them unawares. It's a control issue; if they relax things might go haywire and then chaos will take over.
We need to reassure ourselves that we've all had experience of recovering from worrisome setbacks. We've dealt with rejection, not winning the prize or being last to be chosen for a team. We've survived those experiences and learned from them. It's often setbacks that teach us the most; we learn how resilient we can be, that it's okay to accept help, share our feelings and, most of all, how to find alternative solutions and be flexible in our thinking. Setbacks bring valuable lessons.
We attract what we expect and can often alleviate an unfortunate or negative outcome by being more upbeat and optimistic. Remember those times when you've met someone who's tense, anxious or stressed; it puts us on edge too. But being with someone who's calm and comfortably in control allows us also to relax and feel more at ease. Things usually work out better then.
It's even possible to turn a negative situation around by ignoring or refusing to be sucked into worry, stress or tension. Well-placed good humour, assertiveness and positive language can sometimes override or deflect a potentially fraught situation into something more manageable or even pleasant.
Having a different approach to worry, where we accept that we're concerned rather than worried, helps us treat potential problem areas as stepping-stones along the way. It can open up a whole new way of looking at ourselves and the world.
7 tips to help you cope better;
- Start to appreciate that your worries may be someone else's words; it's their insecurities and fears which you've absorbed and are carrying with you. You're not your parent or teacher who used to handle situations in that way. Determine to break the cycle now.
- Recognise your triggers for worrying and, at that point, intercept or distract yourself. When you're tired or stressed find ways to treat yourself better with breaks, exercise, fun or healthy food.
- Be proactive and challenge worries by refusing to follow a 'what-if' route. Often fear, guilt and embarrassment accompany worry. Listen to other people talking and you'll find that almost everyone shares the same concerns. You're not alone.
- Consider hypnotherapy. It's a powerful, yet respectful way of dealing with unwanted habits and responses. It can help you become calmer and more confident, able to manage stress and become the best version of yourself.
- Break larger worrisome situations into bite-sized chunks. Big tasks or problems can often be broken down into smaller, more manageable parts. Set the wheels in motion by tackling each element, one piece at a time and avoid becoming overwhelmed.
- Use lists. Clear your mind by noting down everything that worries you. The first list may take some time! Then tell yourself to stop worrying; everything's on paper, you won't forget it. Add to and delete items as appropriate and practise being firm with your self-talk. This can be especially valuable before bed.
- Accept that no matter how much you plan, prepare and worry unexpected things will sometimes crop up to rock the boat. Over the years you've become resourced and experienced enough to deal with eventualities when necessary. For example, if your car broke down you'd have an automatic checklist that you could run through to help you resolve immediate concerns; does the car need to be moved, do I need to call someone and let them know, am I a member of a car rescue organisation?
Worry depletes your energy, humour and health. By sharing your concerns, accepting help and learning to treat yourself well you can start to manage your worries rather than have them manage you!
About Author -
Susan Leigh, Altrincham, Cheshire, South Manchester counsellor, hypnotherapist, relationship counsellor, writer & media contributor. She works with individual clients, couples and provides corporate workshops and support. She's author of 3 books, 'Dealing with Stress, Managing its Impact', '101 Days of Inspiration #tipoftheday' and 'Dealing with Death, Coping with the Pain', all on Amazon. To order a copy or for more information, help and free articles visit
In Today’s world there is an intense focus on what we eat and on the importance of exercise. If one eats the right foods and eats them at the right time, along with the right amount of exercise; then one is likely to end up in physical shape. Now, for some this may work and for others this will not be enough.
There is another component that is being left out here and one that is probably the strongest motivator of all. What I am talking about here are our emotions. These are what drive most of our behaviour and this means that in order for one to seek to change their appearance or health in the first place; ones emotions will have been involved.
The Hidden Motivators
However, the emotions that drive one to consume such large amounts of food, to eat when one isn’t hungry or to eat foods that are not particularly healthy; is rarely considered or mentioned. This could be in the mainstream media or in a more personal setting.
Perhaps emotions are not spoken of in the mainstream media due to the amount of money that is made from such high consumption and there are no doubt many other theories and ideas as to why this is. But, in order for this situation to exist in the first place; the need has to already exist in the consumer.
If one is a conscious individual or is even moderately conscious, then it wouldn’t matter what foods this person was exposed or how aesthetically pleasing to the eye they were. Although this could be cakes or snacks; this could also include any type of food and foods that one may have a certain craving for.
To be a conscious eater means that one has a choice as to whether they will eat or not. Instead of continually eating on impulse or when they are emotionally affected. And when one engages in emotional eating, they are usually doing so without being conscious and aware of what is occurring.
What Is Emotional Eating?
Emotional eating is when we eat in order to suppress and escape from a certain emotion or an emotional experience; with food changing how we feel. And because of how fast and natural this process often is, it is unlikely that it will be noticed or questioned - and therefore stopped or changed.
This may have been a pattern that one has carried out for so long, that it is has become a habit. And what the food is doing, is allowing one to emotionally regulate themselves.
A Closer Look
First off; emotional eating is probably something that everyone does from time to time. We are all human after all; we are not perfect and neither are we meant to be. The intention here is not to label emotional eating as right or wrong or good or bad; that is an approach that will only make things worse and would probably lead to more emotional eating.
It is purely to take closer look and to create awareness around this area. To bring to ones attention what is causing them to act in certain ways. Ultimately, emotional eating is no different to anything else, in that, if it is done to the extreme, it has the potential to lead to dysfunctional consequences. And with this being an area that related to our own healthy, it is undoubtedly an important area to look into.
A Special Relationship
As well as the effect that the food is having per se, there are associations that may also be triggered through food. In the very beginning of life, one comes to experience food as nurturing through being breast fed. And if one wasn’t breast fed, then one is likely to have fond memories of being given food to cheer them up and certain types of food that were made by someone close to them.
The quality of nurturing that one got in these early years will often define how much one will rely on food to assist in emotional regulation.
Through being given food by the people around us as a child, our emotional state was being externally affected. And if food wasn’t being used then our caregivers would have been there to mirror, sooth and regulate our emotions. We would also have been given the emotional nurturing that we needed to develop. As a young child, it is said that our nervous system is not developed enough to do this task and therefore we need our caregivers to do this for us.
And as a consequence of our caregivers being there during times of emotional distress or even when emotions appear, we will then begin to develop this ability ourselves. The process is a lot more complex than this, but this is a basic understanding of it.
The Real World
For some, the above may be true and these will be individuals that are comfortable with their emotions and who feel emotionally whole. They will have the ability to simply sit with them, to sooth themselves and to channel them into something more productive. Or they will be comfortable enough, to share their emotions with others. However, for individuals that haven’t had these early experiences of being emotionally regulated and nurtured; emotions will be problematic, overwhelming and even something to be ashamed off.
As ones emotions were allowed to build up and were not acknowledged when they were formed; they will be a lot stronger than they would normally be. And by this I mean that; as they are being fuelled by the past that has not been processed, it is inevitable that they will be stronger.
When this inner ability is not there, food is the ideal option. On one side it will allow one to regulate their emotions and on the other side it will allow one to temporarily have the emotionally nurturing that one didn't have as a child. The trouble with food is that it is only a short term solution. And the majority of food that is sought after during these times is unhealthy. Foods like chocolate, release endorphins into our brains, as does exercise. This is the happy chemical and will be more than welcome if one were to be experiencing ’negative’ emotions.
Exercise, if not taken to the extreme, is healthier than consuming lots of Junk food. While this is so, it could also become another escape and addiction.
The ideal here is to be able to self regulate and to feel comfortable in reaching out to others when this is not possible. This ability is unlikely to be developed over night and it will require patience and commitment. And depending on one’s individual needs and psychological disposition, other options might have to be considered. So always follow your own truth and insights.
One thing a good therapist, healer or coach can do is to allow one to express their emotions in a safe environment. From here, one can begin to form a relationship with their emotions. And start to gain the emotional nurturing that they didn’t get all those years ago. Here one will begin to see their emotions as feedback and as something that needs to be heard and acknowledged; not to be feared or run away from.
Awareness is the key here; with it, one can see that they are more than their emotions and without it; emotions can seem to be as all there is. The heart can also assist in emotional regulation.
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
― Maya Angelou
It's been a long time since you thought about it, you knew that your write-up would eventually see the light of day, but you still needed a little time to get started. May be you feel you are not prepared enough or you are waiting for the perfect inspiration to write. The inspiration you are seeking is already within you. It's time to unlock the writer within you. Remember, if you wait till you feel like writing, you will never write at all. Write to keep the memory, to testify, to feel lighter, to take stock ... or perhaps for all these reasons at the same time?
Write to keep the memory ... and transmit it!
Last year I met Ms. Marry, a 83-year-old woman who just published her first write-up, when asked about her motivation taking a deep breadth she replied "it's my 6-month-old grandson Alex. Like every Grandma, I want to tell him stories, share with him the family values. Unfortunately, I don't have enough time as I am suffering from some serious illness. However, my thoughts will still reach him through these write-ups". Like Ms. Marry, many want to give their children and grandchildren a record of their own lives. Conscious of the fragility of the memory, they wish to shelter it once for all and for several generations by inscribing it in blogs or in the pages of a book.
The initiative can also come from children. This is moreover the case more and more often. Realising that memory can be lost forever, they encourage their parents or even their grandparents to write their story. A nice gift idea!
Writing can also be an opportunity to portray a picture of a loved one who has gone missing too soon.
The people who write to testify are far more numerous than what we think. It is often a cry of the heart, a need, not only to tell each other, but to share the experience with the world. Most often their purpose is to denounce an injustice or, at least, what they feel is an injustice. The range of testimonies is broad enough: narrative of a battle against the administration, divorce that goes wrong, fight against the disease, etc. Fortunately, some testimonials can relate to a gay reality such as, for example, a beautiful love story or a reunion after years of separation.
Write to feel lighter
There is also the writing that liberates. The one that allows to discharge by putting on paper the thoughts and feelings that are too heavy to wear. So for some of us, writing can be a therapy.
But writing down one's story, especially if it's tragic, takes courage. It means plunging back into the torrent of past pain and reliving it. Events that had been forgotten, or more accurately tried to forget, come to the surface. It is a process that may jostle you, to bring down certainties, to bring you to painful observations, but also, when the work is finished, to feel freer, lighter, more in keeping with yourselves.
Write to take stock ...
For some, writing is a way to take a distance from their experience, to take stock, in a word to see a little clearer. "I'm going to rediscover my past," a gentleman once told me, comparing her pen to the pilgrim's staff.
Write to be reborn
Writing about your life is not an end, it's a beginning! We think that by writing our life, we are putting a final point. Surprisingly enough, it is often the opposite that happens. People reborn after writing their story and even prepare for a second life, filled with the energy they had just drawn from those writings.
Have you ever written a life story? If so, what were your motivations? If no, then don't hesitate or wait for the right time. Just register FREE to below link and create your Masterpiece!
Vigyaa.com is an online self-publishing platform where you will find a massive collection of handpicked articles from expert authors all over the world. We welcome all the new and experienced authors to write on our platform and reach to highly-targeted traffic for FREE. To know more mail to email@example.com
In today’s world, depression has become a word that carries enormous weight; either for people who have it or for people who hear about it. It could also be described as a modern day taboo, with people often wanting to avoid the whole thing.
However, what is clear is that depression is not something that can be ignored. It is a very real challenge in today’s world. And this is just one aspect of what are often described as ‘mental health’ problems.
This is not something that can be cited as having one cause, as there are often said to be numerous causes. These can be: genetics, diet, repression, chemical imbalance, abuse, illness, the environment and other factors.
And as we are all so different, it’s not a case of one cause being the same for everyone. So as this is such a complex area and not something that can be put into one box; I will cover one of the above aspects that can cause depression.
On the Google home page, it is described as the following -
1.Severe despondency and dejection, accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.
2. A condition of mental disturbance, typically with lack of energy and difficulty in maintaining concentration or interest in life.
So here, one feels at a low ebb and is unable to feel any positive emotions. Their energy is gone and the will to live doesn’t exist either.
While depression is often treated as a taboo, emotions are not too far behind in this respect. They are generally ignored and this is partly due to a lack of understanding in how to deal with them. One is not simply born with emotionally intelligence; this is something that has to be learnt.
And when it comes to how one responds and perceives their emotions, the childhood years are typically the most important time. This time will often define what kind of relationship one will have with their emotions.
This relationship can be just like a relationship that one has with other human beings; it can be positive and empowering or it can be negative and distempering. So emotions can be seen as problems and as something that one needs to avoid or as feedback and as something that one needs to listen to.
The Education System
One of the reasons this time is so important, is that one doesn’t usually learn about their emotions during their years of being in education. Certain areas are seen as vital, but emotional intelligence is a new thing.
This means that the early relationship that was formed with their emotions will generally be carried into their adult years. And it won’t matter if this relationship is healthy or unhealthy.
So coming back to this early relationship, there can be two ways that one can develop in order to cope with their emotions. And this will generally depend on how their caregivers responded to ones emotions as a child and to their own emotions.
Here, a child will develop the ability to regulate their emotions; this means that they will rarely act on them or deny that they exist and repress them. They will be able to just be with them, without getting too caught up in them. And if they become too overwhelming, the child will learn that it is safe to seek assistance in others.
In this case, the child will not develop the ability to regulate their emotions. This means that the child will have to either act on them or to deny and repress them. They won’t be able to just be with them and will end up being caught up in them. And during times of being overwhelmed, they are unlikely to feel safe asking for assistance.
Empathic and Unempathic
The first example will relate to a caregiver that is empathic and the second example is for a caregiver that is unempathic. An empathic caregiver is emotionally available and will generally mirror, match, hold and sooth their child during emotional distress.
And an unempathic caregiver will is likely to be emotional unviable. So this means that they generally won’t mirror, match, hold or sooth their child during emotional distress.
These are just general guidelines, as there is likely to be moments where it won’t be this black and white. However, this creates an idea about what it is like.
As a result of the above taking place, it is likely to lead to completely different consequences. If as a child, one learned to regulate their emotions through having an empathic caregiver; it is likely to mean that one will have a tendency to either regulate their emotions or to seek support in other people.
And if as a child, one didn’t learn how to regulate their emotions through having an unempathic caregiver; it is likely to mean that they will have a tendency of either repressing their emotions or of acting on them.
So the first child is rarely going to have to repress their emotions and this means that when this child grows into an adult, there shouldn’t be the need to repress them either.
But the second child, who has to repress their emotions, will likely grow into an adult that continues to repress their emotions. And this is inevitably gong to lead to an emotional build up in the body.
These emotions will have accumulated from when one was a child and all of the emotions that one has experienced as an adult, but denied and ignored.
Different Types Of Repression
For some people, this will involve certain moments as a child where they were abandoned, ignored, rejected, humiliated, felt hopeless, helpless, suicidal, guilty and ashamed for instance.
These can relate to the odd occasion or perhaps when one experienced these things on a daily or consistent basis. This can also include traumatic moments where one was: physically, emotionally or intellectually abused as a child.
And due to these moments taking place many years ago, they are generally blocked from the mind. But the body remembers these feelings and will not be silenced until they are recognised. This creates a heavy burden on the body and can result in a loss of energy.
In the beginning these may have only been emotions or feelings, but as time has gone on, they have become emotional states and have completely taken over. A bit like how one weed appears and soon after, the whole patch is covered in weeds.
So the fact that there were only one or two weeds to begin with is hard to comprehend and finding the original weeds or weeds can then be extremely difficult. Here one no longer feels one or two emotions, but has become emotionally trapped. And no longer experiences one or two emotions, but a general feeling of being overwhelmed or – depressed.
It could be that one has felt this way their whole life or that one felt this way after a certain experience. This could be the result of some kind of loss or traumatic occurrence that triggered emotions that have been trapped and frozen in the body for so long.
For the first person it may be experienced as normal and how life is, simply because they have never felt any different. And for the other person, it might not feel normal. This could be due to the fact that these feelings have been repressed for so many years and this has caused a disconnection to occur.
Perhaps one has recognised the connection between how they felt as a child and how they feel as adult or just that they need to be assisted emotionally. And this can be done through the help of a healer or a therapist that will allow one to feel and therefore release their emotions
This doesn’t mean that one will be forever caught up in them. If it is done right, it means that one will be able to let go of the emotions that have built up.
Isn’t it time that we move beyond religion and rules and belief into honest spirituality which is based on personal experience? Religion offers community which feels comforting and guidelines for behavior which build character. But true spirituality requires an adult’s presence to her own experience. Thinking about what an authority tells us is, at best, a jumping off point for us to assume our own authority.
Developing your personal spirituality means that you choose to participate with Life as an adult. You own your responsibility not only for your behavior but for your thoughts and for conflicts lying just below your awareness. You know that at your core you are a spiritual being having a human experience. You accept that this lifetime is a gift for you to learn some truths and, wisely, you surrender. You know that change is constant and you release your hold on everything, appreciating in this moment what you have been given but not demanding that it continue.
The emphasis is on attending. What am I supposed to learn from this frustration? What is my lesson in losing what I had loved? How am I gifted by the obstacles that block my hoped-for path? We pay attention to the details of our lives in a non-proprietary way.
Through our surrender we see pattern in our experience. We learn to listen to Life and to trust its tugs. We notice that we are asked to submit and to receive. We practice presence. We experience everything, inside and outside, and we release it. We practice gratitude, especially for what we don’t like. ‘Thank you for the opportunity to learn patience while I sit at this red light.’ ‘Thank you for showing me the part of myself I hate in another whom I find irritating.’
And we notice that the details of the day lead us deeper within ourselves. When we pay attention to what happens to us, we are led to what happens within us. We learn more by observing than by attempting to direct.
When we appreciate the unity of the outside world and the inside world, then we truly experience our own spirituality. Spirituality is oneness. It isn’t light and joy and beauty and otherworldly music. It’s the baby crying and the cat messing on the new carpet and the car that stops on the freeway and the job that doesn’t materialize. And it’s saying, “Yes, thank you. Now show me the next step.”
When we embrace our spirituality we say “Yes” to everything that happens because we know that we are one with everything. Our lifetime is not an opportunity to run our will. We are not on earth to see what we can make of ourselves. When we accept Life as an adventure and know that we are the students, then we open to learn. Openness, attention, and surrender are the hallmarks of a mature spirituality.
About Author -
Ruth Cherry, PhD
Ruth is the author of Living in the Flow: Practicing Vibrational Alignment, Accepting Unconditional Love, Transformation Workbook, and Open Your Heart.
If one has read anything do with self help or come across one of the primary figures in the industry, they will have heard of the term ‘Positive Thinking’. This is nothing new and has been around for many years.
In 1952, Norman Vincent Peale published the book - The Power Of Positive Thinking. And then as time went by, this idea was turned into a whole industry. There are numerous books and people that espouse this outlook.
Affirmations are also commonly used in the same way; with all kinds of books and figures recommending them. And then there is something known as the ‘Law Of Attraction’ that has exploded in popularity thanks to certain books and DVDs.
As positive thinking is so popular and has been around for quite some time, it would be natural to see it as normal and the right thing to do. The general human tendency is to avoid pain and to seek pleasure.
So to think positive can assist in this aim and allow the mind to deny and change what the body is emoting and feeling. This will then enable one to see themselves and life in a different way.
Through this process, one’s behaviour can change and result in them having new experiences.
While we all have a brain that thinks, we also have a body that feels, emotes and senses. But due to things like trauma and pain that can build up in the body, one can become stuck in their brain (head).
This can be the result of trauma and pain that was experienced in childhood or in later life. And if this pain becomes too much, it is natural for ones consciousness to remain in the mind.
Here, different defence mechanisms can be used in order to keep this pain at bay. If they were not used, it would be too much and one could die from the overload.
Even though this pain may well have become repressed and locked in the body, it won’t just stay there. The body wants to release this pain and heal itself, but the mind will generally want to avoid the pain.
However, the pain will become known through numerous ways. This can lead to: inner restlessness, negative thoughts, depression, illness, loss, dysfunctional relationships, mental and emotional problems, reactive behaviour, addictions, obsessions and many others things.
The mind has done all it can to keep the pain away, but these can all be signs that the body is what needs to be looked at and not just the mind.
This focus on the mind and the rejection of the body is not something that just happened. And while positive thinking has a time and a place, it has become the primary focus. The body is often overlooked and ignored.
As I have said above, when too much pain is created in the body it is then normal for one to live in their head. So it would make perfect sense to say that part of the reason positive thinking has become so popular is due to people having so much pain in their body.
And is a natural consequence of people becoming estranged from their: emotions, feelings and sensations.
A sense of empowerment and personal power is gained through being grounded in the body. This is where actions come from and without action very little happens. The mind can think as much as it wants and come up with all kinds of fantasies and illusions, but that doesn’t make it reality.
So it would seem odd that in a day where people want to be empowered, that they are not embracing the body and are choosing to live in the mind.
But it would also be completely inaccurate to say this was a conscious choice. If one has a negative relationship to their emotions, then avoiding them would be normal and natural. This is a relationship that is typically formed in ones childhood.
If one had a caregiver that was empathic and therefore emotionally available, it would have resulted in one being emotionally regulated as a child. This means they would have been: validated, soothed, mirrored and touched during emotional unrest or unease.
Two things can occur through this process. One is that one will learn how to regulate their emotions or feel safe enough to seek assistance. And the second thing is that they won’t have to repress their emotions.
When it comes to the unempathic caregiver, the above is unlikely to take place. This means that one will not learn how to regulate their emotions or feel safe enough to ask others for assistance. One will also end up having to repress their emotions.
Now, for some people this will have included emotions that were slightly painful, but not any where near the other end of the spectrum. And for others, this would have been emotions that were extremely painful and even the result of abuse or trauma.
But one thing is certain, if one did not form a healthy relationship with their emotions as a child, then avoiding them is going to be vital. This means the mind is going to be kept extremely busy in trying to block these out.
And positive thinking or affirmations will need to be constantly applied in order to continually repress these emotions and feelings.
This can easily turn into an addiction or an obsession, as to stop thinking positive could cause all kinds of repressed emotions to appear. And as they have been repressed for so long, they could be extremely powerful and overwhelming.
This is not to say that positive thinking should be avoided, but it does mean is that it may be necessary to look a little deeper. To see what is going on in the body and what has built up there.
As when the body is in a place of peace, the mind will often follow suit. If there is conflict in the mind, there is probably conflict in the body. And as one releases what has built up in the body, the need to think positive will not be there as much – simply because there won’t be as much going on.
In the short term it may be more painful to deal with ones repressed emotions and feelings, but the long terms benefits will outweigh the short term pain. This is not something that has to last forever.
And it may be important for one to seek the assistance of a therapist or healer who will allow one to release their emotions in a healthy and supportive way.
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If someone who had a painful childhood was to talk about what took place to another person, they may end up being told that they need to forgive their parents. This could be something that they come out with more or less straight away or it may have taken a while.
Furthermore, one could be told that what they went through is all in the past and now they need to put it behind them. And that if they don’t do this, it will stop them from being able to live a good life.
A Heavy Weight
Thus, in the same way that an anchor will stop a ship from moving forward, their attachment to the past will do the same thing. The sooner they are able to see this, the sooner they will be able to let go of what took place all those years ago.
Forgiving their parents for what happened is going to be essential if they want to let go of the pain that they are in and to experience inner peace. This could be something that takes place directly or they could write a letter and send it to them.
Once this has taken place, they may find that they start to feel better. Also, the person who told them to do this, along with a number of other people, could say that they did the right thing.
The days and weeks could go by and their life could continue to improve, with it being clear that they made the right decision. Then again, what they may find is that they have simply pushed down their true feelings and are living in denial.
A Different Approach
Although forgiveness was put forward as the solution to what they were going through, it doesn’t mean it is the right solution. One way of looking at it would be to say that it doesn’t matter whether they forgive their parents or not; what matters is that they heal their inner wounds.
A number of years may have passed since they were a child, but the pain that they experienced during this time is still going to be held in their body. And, unless they work through this pain, it is likely to be more or less impossible for them to move on.
A big part of them – their inner child – is going to be in a lot of pain, and this part of them will want to be acknowledged and to express all of the pain that it has carried for so long. Unsurprisingly, they are not going to resolve this pain by simply forgiving their parents.
If their emotional pain was solely caused by the thoughts in their head, this approach might work. Yet, as emotional pain is held in their body, changing their thoughts is not going to get to the root of what they are experiencing.
By healing their inner wounds, they may start to experience compassion towards their parents. If so, they won’t need to force themselves to forgive them; it will be a by-product of healing themselves.
They may also gradually come to see their parents are just flawed human beings, not as gods. This would show that they are seeing them through adult eyes, as opposed to the eyes of their wounded inner child.
If someone is in a lot of pain, and they want to heal their winner wounds, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
When other people are unhappy, it can cause someone to feel a sense of concern and to be curious as to why they feel as they do. As a result of this, one can hope that this person begins to feel better and even see what they can do to help them.
This could apply to anyone one meets that appears unhappy, but in most cases, it is going to relate to the people that one knows and is close to. To be this way is part of being human and that means having empathy.
However, not every human as the ability to empathise and this can mean that they might even notice when another person is unhappy. So on one side can be people who are disconnected from other people’s emotions and have no idea how they are feeling, and on the other side, can be people who are not just interested in how others are feeling; they are completely focused on how they are feeling.
One might be described as being better than the other, and having no empathy is unlikely to be the one that is seen as better. And yet, to be totally focused on how other people are feeling is also going to create problems.
To feel concerned when another person is unhappy is one thing; it is another thing to feel responsible when they are unhappy and that it is ones purpose to make them happy. Of course, if one was responsible for what happened, then it is only normal that one offers their support.
But when one is not responsible for what happened and they feel that they are, one is going to become too focused on another person’s life. And if their attention is on others, it is inevitable that their own life is going to suffer.
Not only that, it also takes away the other persons responsibility for their own feelings. And this can cause them to always look to other people in order to be happy. Other people are then responsible and the ones who have the power over their feelings
So trying to make other people happy not only causes one to lose awareness when it comes to their own needs and wants, it also causes the other person to lose touch with the role they are playing.
This is going to mean that one has less energy for their own life and this could cause them to feel disempowered. And other people are not going to be able to realise the power they have to make themselves happy; so they can end up feeling disempowered.
Parent And The Child
If one was to ignore how old each person was here, they would soon see that it is similar to the relationship a parent has with a child. At such a young age, the parent is responsible for the child’s happiness. And as the child hasn’t emotionally separated and therefore developed their sense of personal power, this is to be expected.
So while someone can look like an adult, it doesn’t mean that they feel like one. One can feel like a child and need others to look after them in order to get their needs met, or one can feel like a child, and look after others as a way to get their needs met.
The Same Coin
Whether one feels responsible for other people’s happiness or feels that other people are responsible for their own, it is because they have not been able to emotionally grow up. And this causes them to still see the world through the eyes of a child; with their personal power not yet being realised.
Just because someone is an adult, it doesn’t mean that they actually had a childhood. And this means that instead of them receiving the nurturing they needed to become a healthy and functional adult, they might have ended up parenting their caregivers instead.
So they grow up and look like adults, but they still feel like children. While this should have been a time for their caregivers to focus on ones happiness and wellbeing, to take care or their needs and wants, it could have been the other way.
To survive during these years, and to receive the acceptance, love and approval that they desperately needed, they would have had to tune into their caregivers needs. One may not have been happy with this, but their caregivers were.
This sets one up to believe their survival is based on pleasing others, and making them happy would have been what mattered. The ideal would have been for them to be accepted, loved and approved of for who they were.
One is then conditioned from day one look externally, and to tune into the needs and wants of other people. This is not dysfunctional per se, but when it becomes one whole focus it is going to be.
Their own needs and wants could have ended up being oblivious to them and the reason they focus on other people is not only because this is what feel safe, it is also because they are out of touch with their own needs and wants.
It will be important for one to get back in touch with their needs and wants, and to realise that they are not responsible for other people’s happiness. Intellectually one may understand this, but emotionally it could be very different.
This may involve changing beliefs and releasing trapped emotions from one’s body. As this takes place, one will gradually begin to feel comfortable with their needs and wants. The assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach may be required here.
Are you surprised to hear how many new mothers experience crippling loneliness? In fact recent figures (released by Mumsnet and ChannelMum.com) show that more than 90% of mums admit to feeling lonelier after the birth of their children. You could be forgiven for thinking that with so many of us choosing to have children later in life that it would be a time of satisfaction, completion, joy and gratitude. We've planned our lives, our careers, our homes and chosen the optimal time for our family's growth.
Certainly, we're bombarded with enough images of perfect happy families on social media, in magazines and on TV. The reality though is often very different and rarely references the extent of loneliness and the new mother.
In fact 60% of women try to hide their low mood and feelings of loneliness. Feeling down, lonely or vulnerable can make us feel conflicted and determined not to disclose how bad we're feeling, especially if everyone we know appears to be living the dream.
In addition, a quarter of families with young children, approximately 2 million, are being raised by only one parent, usually the mother. Being alone, perhaps away from family, with no partner for support, can further exacerbate the sense of isolation. Or having relocated away from home can result in loneliness after childbirth. 35% feel the loss of close relationships and immediate social network, often not knowing their new neighbours.
Of course, there are many additional factors to consider too.
- The effect of hormones is often forgotten, but pregnancy plays havoc with a woman's hormonal balance, sometimes long after the baby's been born. Plus a newborn child brings much additional responsibility, often compounded once the first few weeks of support have dwindled away.
- When one's been a professional, in control businesswoman it's disconcerting to find oneself becoming overwhelmed and despairing, lost and unable to cope, helplessly feeling 'I can't do this'. Remember that even if it feels like it, you're not alone in experiencing these emotions. Be gentle with yourself, allow others to help, take professional support and give yourself time to heal.
- It can be tough coming to terms with how much your life has completely changed. Yes, you may have really wanted a child, thought through the implications and impact a child would have on your life, but the reality is, living it 24/7, every day of the week, it's often very different. Regularly getting up in the middle of the night because your baby is crying or needs feeding may be assumed as your responsibility. There can be guilt or a feeling of obligation to do everything and do it well because you're now not shouldering the main financial burden and going out to work each day. Motherhood is your role now.
- Appreciate that the baby has brought a sudden and massive change to your identity and role in life. Instead of following your career, making decisions, solving challenges and enjoying stimulating conversations your life is now more ambiguous, dictated largely by a tiny, demanding human. Allow yourself to grieve a little for your previous life. This total transformation may have been an unanticipated revelation, leaving you in limbo, drifting with no advance warning of what was truly involved.
- Once the relentless tiredness, lack of stimulus and frequency of being on your own has set in you may face a stark, lonely reality. 26% of young mums report leaving the house once a week or less, with some leaving just once a month (Young Women's Trust). This can impact hugely on your confidence and self-esteem. Concern at knowing how to be a good parent, as well as coping with the noticeable changes to your body, your looks, the effect on your financial freedom, the very different conversations you now have with your partner, all can be much to reconcile to post-baby.
- The thought of leaving the house makes many new mothers apprehensive. The logistics alone can be daunting. Transporting a baby requires a lot of stuff. Loading and unloading a car or using public transport can be a slow process and if the baby becomes fractious it's even worse, becoming upsetting and embarrassing. 73% of mothers report experiencing rude or unpleasant behaviour and changing facilities in public rest rooms or feeding their child can be fraught with difficulty.
- Financial concerns are a major factor in a new mother's world. Even when money has been discussed and budgets agreed many new mothers are loathe to spend money on non-essential things, like coffees, lunches or personal items like a new lipstick. A lack of cash is a factor in 40% of mothers feeling lonely. Babies are not cheap and concern that three people may now be living on one salary, albeit temporarily, can further reinforce a new mother's decision not to socialise when it entails spending money, pushing her into further isolation.
- Inviting other mums round simply for coffee, may not feel comfortable as home is unlikely to be as tidy as it was pre-baby. Wanting to be a good hostess, whilst maintaining quality standards can deter from issuing invitations. Being overtired, feeling it's too much effort and having little interesting conversation to offer can discourage feeling sociable, so resulting in further isolation and loneliness.
Softly, softly can be the way to move into your new role. Frequent places where other new mums go; the park, soft play areas, leisure centres and gradually befriend those who are on their own. Smile and find some initial common ground. Exchange phone numbers so you can keep in touch, chat and maybe meet for coffee. Source a local 'open house' baby or child group. Negotiate some time each week to spend with people of your own age; it might be a wrench at first to leave your baby, but it's important to retain some of your own identity. Find ways to reduce your loneliness.
About Author -Susan Leigh, Altrincham, Cheshire, South Manchester counsellor, hypnotherapist, relationship counsellor, writer & media contributor. She works with individual clients, couples and provides corporate workshops and support. She's author of 3 books, 'Dealing with Stress, Managing its Impact', '101 Days of Inspiration #tipoftheday' and 'Dealing with Death, Coping with the Pain', all on Amazon. To order a copy or for more information, help and free articles visit
“The conscious mind may be compared to a fountain playing in the sun and falling back into the great subterranean pool of subconscious from which it rises.” – Sigmund Freud
I wrote a post called Harnessing the Power of the Subconscious Mind some time ago. I explored the distinction between the conscious mind (CM) and the subconscious mind (SM). Recapping some of the points mentioned:
- Your conscious mind is the logical mind that functions with logic.
- You think with the conscious mind and it is the programmer of the SM, which is the creative mind that carries out the program.
- You process anywhere between 60,000 – 90,000 thoughts a day.
- The SM is the automatic pilot of the mind. It does not question things that readily come into it.
- The SM also regulates all your vital functions.
With these points in mind (if you’ll pardon the pun), we’ll examine background information pertinent in understanding your SM mind.
Your brain does not compute the answers to problems; it retrieves the answers from your memory. Your mind is continually drawing on information from its hierarchical structure; recalling events from your past.
When you see a person you know, your mind retrieves information relating to your history with that person. It identifies the individual as either friend, enemy or unknown. In his book, The Mind’s Eye Oliver Sacks writes about his condition known as Prosopagnosia; the inability to recognise faces. In meeting people on numerous occasions, he was bereft in recognising them in later encounters. Being a qualified neurologist, he was courteous to acknowledge his impairment by asking the person if they had previously met.
Whilst this is a rare condition, it highlights the complexity of the mind. Even the slightest malfunction can cause impediment to the person’s life. A great deal of literature has been written about the SM. As we learn more via scientific research, we will discover the untapped potential of the inner workings of this mysterious organ. I urge you to read The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Dr Joseph Murphy if this particular topic is of interest to you. The book is a classic, with recent revisions and updates.
So why all the fuss about the SM, you might be thinking? How can you use this power to your advantage? Most of your SM’s programming is formed from birth until the age of 6 years. During these formative years, your brain operates within specific brain waves conducive to your development. Those brain waves are: beta, alpha, theta, delta & gamma. The brain waves function at various frequencies known as Hertz. For example while you’re asleep, your brain wave functions within the theta and delta range; oscillating between 3.5 – 7 cycles per second.
This affords you the ability to relax, not contending with external stimuli in your wakeful state. It also permits the mind to regenerate itself; processing thoughts and emotions experienced over time. In order to fully explore and develop your mind’s capacity, it is worth investing time and patience knowing your SM.
Your SM works best receiving the desired stimuli in a relaxed state. During beta and theta brain waves, you create an environment conducive to learning, formulating new ideas, thoughts and creativity. You’re able to receive information and insights into events, processes and circumstances you never thought possible.
“Whatever we plant in our subconscious mind and nourish with repetition and emotion will one day become a reality.” – Earl Nightingale
Benefits of Using Your Subconscious Mind
Your SM processes about 100 billion bits of information per second. In contrast, your CM processes 40 bits of information per second. Clearly many of the world’s past and present geniuses were aware of the potential of their SM’s. It takes time and practice in mastering this skill – much like most pursuits. Be patient, if you’re dedicated to making breakthroughs as they may be slow and arduous. Some of the key benefits include:
- Enhanced relationships.
- Weight loss.
- Improved health and wellbeing.
- Higher levels of creativity.
- Problem solving capabilities.
- More relaxed and composed.
- Ability to transcend limiting beliefs.
- Creating a sense of happiness and purpose in your life.
- Sense of control and empowerment.
I regularly use my SM in various problem solving capacities; having trained it over to time with some degree of success. I speak to my mind (yes, it may seem silly at first) as though it were a friend. I regularly use affirmations such as “My subconscious mind is my partner in success.” I allow the right type of stimuli to enter my mind. This includes the people I associate with, the music I listen to, the books I read and the news I listen to. It all makes a difference.
Have you noticed when hanging out with a group of friends, how you picked up some of the words they regularly use? It might include phrases or words used in a conversational tone, yet you still absorbed it into your vernacular. I’m certain you didn’t consciously programme it into your mind; it took place unconsciously via repetitive exposure. Similarly, you may have heard a song on the radio which you began singing without consciously knowing why. This is your SM working quietly in the background.
Most of your habits and actions as adults are influenced by your SM. Recall earlier I mentioned from birth to 6 years of age, you learned in a subconscious state. Most of your adult behaviour has been programmed via your SM during these impressionable years. I reasoned that the brain does not compute answers to problems; it simply retrieves them from your memory.
Given this information, it is reasonable to conclude why adults act out learned childhood behaviour of misery, low self-esteem, depressive states and abuse. I’m painting a grim picture I know, yet I’ve met people who fit this description. Some have created fulfilling lives for themselves, while others have remained trapped in their childhood behaviour.
In an upcoming post, I will discuss ways to harness the power of your SM. Many of these are simple, yet require diligent practice. In a similar manner to exercise; your mind will respond accordingly. You may not see tangible results for weeks, possibly months. Trust and have faith it is working in the background for you.
I have practiced many of these principles for years. I use them whenever I feel the need to do so; having little attachment to the outcome. I trust once I’ve done the work (workout), I sit back and wait for the results to show up (rest). The analogy as you see is very much akin to exercise.
Stay tuned for more…
Once someone has read a book, they can to leave a review on a popular website, and this can take place even if they have bought the book offline. In addition to this, they can also leave a review if they bought the book on another site.
However, even though one has the opportunity to do this, it doesn’t mean that they will. Now, this doesn’t necessarily mean they didn’t enjoy the book; it could simply come down to the fact that they can’t be bothered.
For example, when one has read the book, they could end up moving onto the next one. Or, they could have other things that consume their attention, and this could show that they don’t even think about leaving one.
If they enjoyed reading the book, they might not feel the need to do anything else; it is then going to be as if they have got what they need and that’s all there is to it. But even if they didn’t enjoy reading it, they could still move on.
This could be different if one reads a lot of books and their friends are also the same. In this case, they could talk to them about what they thought of it, and one could tell them to read it if they enjoyed it.
Yet, if they didn’t enjoy it, they could still recommend it, and this can show that they don’t believe that their view is the only view. Alternatively, they could say that it’s not a good book and that they shouldn’t waste their time with it.
If one was to read a book and they felt the need to leave a review, it could be sad that there is a strong chance that it wasn’t what they expected. There could be a number of things that they didn’t like about it.
Having said that, it could be far worse than this, and one could wonder why it was ever published. This is then similar to how people are more likely to talk about a bad meal than a good one.
It is said that human beings are programmed to focus on negativity, and this is seen as something that would have kept them alive in the past. As if one was to focus on the positive, their life might improve, but if they avoided the negative, they could die.
Times have now changed and it is no longer necessary to behave in his way, however, the brain is still responding to how life used to be. Therefore, if one was to read a book and it blew them away, for instance, it is not going to have the same effect as it would if it didn’t meet their expectations.
Out of Balance
Based on this, it could be said that it can be a challenge to understand how good a book is simply by looking through what people have said. With this in mind, one could miss out on a good book if they were to purely listen to what other people have said.
But if they were to allow other people to decide for them, it could be said that this will also be a result of evolution. Many, many years ago, doing what other people did would have also increased their chances of survival.
During this time, if one was to see a lot of people running and they were to think about what is going on, they could end up being eaten alive. It would have been in their best interest to do what other people were doing.
Going along with others would have been the best thing to do; whereas if would have been a risk for people to come to their own conclusions. Nowadays, even though it is generally in one’s best interest to think for themselves, it can be easier to follow the crowd.
Taking the Plunge
If one was to buy a book even though the reviews were not all positive, they could be in for a pleasant surprise. They could find it hard to understand why other people didn’t have the same outlook.
At the same time, they could read a book that has only received positive reviews and end up feeling disappointed. In the first example, they would have used their own brain and, in the second example, they would have put it to one side.
If one was to reflect on this, they might see that it shows how they can’t always trust what other people say. When it comes to someone who has written a book (or a number of them), they could end up experiencing a negative reaction if another person was to leave a negative review.
What they could do here is to step back from how they feel and to look into what has been said. At this time, they could think about how this only going to be the other persons opinion.
A Subjective Experience
Ultimately, no matter what their book is like, it is not going to be possible for everyone to like it. When they read their book, there is the chance that this person was comparing it to another one they had read.
This can then mean that it doesn’t match up with this book, and this can be a book that also has negative reviews. If they have left a really bad review, it can be a sign that they are not currently in a good place themselves.
While one can be affected by what has been said, they might not respond in this way if they knew who wrote it. For example, if an athlete had just performed at their best and another person who had no idea what they were talking about said it was rubbish, there would be no reason for them to take it seriously.
One can see if there is anything positive to take from it, and if there isn’t, they can ignore it; what matters is that they don’t allow a negative review to hold them back. And if they don’t write to please others, it will be easier for them to keep going.
About Author -
“Start writing, no matter what. The water does not flow until the faucet is turned on.”
— Louis L’Amour
A 1000 words piece of writing begins with one word. While it may not lead you to the conclusion, but this first word can lead you to an idea, which becomes a paragraph, which becomes an article ...
JK Rowling started with an idea that came to her while delayed on a train travelling from Manchester to London King's Cross in 1990, an idea she refused to give up. And so was born Harry Potter, a story in 7 volumes! The rest is history.
To become a successful writer you need to keep this five key points in mind.
1. Stop making excuses and just "Write"
You must have decided to write a week, a month or years back. You feel guilty about not doing it, you get anxious and then a plethora of excuses come to mind relieving you of your obligations. Some of the top excuses are -
"There are too many people who are already writing"
Yes, it's true that there are lot of people writing on the same topic but it's your style that sets you apart from others.
"I do not know how to write"
It not that talent falls from the sky and has landed away from your cradle. No one is born a writer. Writing is learned by writing. It's as simple as that.
"I do not have time to write"
C'mmon...! don't make excuses. It really can fit into your busy schedule
To become a great you have to write every day. Not necessarily much, but the idea is that it is important to be regular. For aspiring writers 200 words a day will do. Whether you are looking for a full time creative writing career or you have a passion to write a book. Consistency and patience is the most important virtues of a good writer.
2. When you can not write…just think!
Tonight, you're in front of your screen, the words struggle to come and when they come, it's bad enough.
Tip: stop writing for tonight!
That doesn’t mean that you don’t have to do anything and relax in front of the television in an armchair.
Certainly not, you can do something else, among other things, think. Review your ideas. Maybe the idea you're working on is just not good enough. Besides, all the ideas you had before you started in this write-up are not necessarily good to put in your story. Which does not mean that they are bad, but they may not have their place here. If you compare to a recipe, it is not because we will put all the spices that the dish will be better, on the contrary.
3. Set your writing goals
To set your goals, use the SMART method:
Specific: Your writing goals must be clear. The more concrete they are, the more likely you are to reach them. Feel free to divide a goal into sub objectives. The more specific your writing goals are, the better.
Measurable: You need to be able to clearly measure your progress and know when your goal is achieved. This measurement of your progress must be objective.
Attainable: Of course, your writing goal should please you. Otherwise you will not have the motivation to succeed.
Relevant: A good goal is a realistic goal. Certainly, to motivate you, the objective must be sufficiently ambitious. But if it is not possible, then you will lose your energy and especially your motivation.
Time-bound: Remember to always set limits to your writing goal. Limits in content, but also in time.
Always define a duration, a deadline and steps. If your goal is too long to reach in one step, you can always cut it into sub objectives that will be achieved gradually. This will keep you motivated and satisfied with each successful sub-goal.
4. Choose the right platform to write
Often underestimated, choosing the right platform to write and publish is probably the most important choice you'll have to make. Indeed, all your writing efforts will be linked to this decision. And most of your hard-work will be in vain if you fail to choose the right platform for publishing. To become a successful writer, the right choice of publishing platform is a must.
Vigyaa.com is an online self-publishing platform where you can share your thoughts, your stories, and your expertise with the World by publishing articles instantly.
Just click the link below and publish your content in just a few seconds.
Last but not the least,
5. Stop constantly reviewing what you have written
Are you one of those perfectionist writers who continually re-read what they have written? Let me tell you, you'll have plenty of time to read your writing again. The replay stage is even fundamental. And you will do it with a little distance when your write-up is completely written.
The worst thing is that by rereading each time, you slow down unnecessarily and lose motivation because work is slower. Write without checking your mistakes, you will have plenty of time to reread.
Start your writing journey today. Happy Writing!
Sometimes life hits us between the eyes and delivers an unexpected turn of events. The shock and resultant impact can make us question why it's happened. Have we been bad, is it karma, do we deserve this? The answer is often a resounding 'no'. It is what it is, nothing more or less than that. But, nonetheless, we have to deal with it and recover.
When our world comes crashing down others may not appreciate the magnitude of what we're going through or how what's happened has affected us. Consequently comments that are dismissive, superficial, maybe even offensive can come our way whilst we're struggling simply to get out of bed.
Even friends and family may not appreciate the distress we're going through, how those things are so devastating for us. When we miss out on being pregnant for another month and hear a cheery, 'you're young, you've plenty of time, there's always next month!' Or when they're blase about our beloved cat failing to return home and we hear comments like, 'you'll get another, it's only an animal', demonstrating no understanding of how much our beloved pet means, how they're such an important part of the family. Or even comments like, 'there are plenty more fish in the sea' when our latest relationship ends.
We can feel overwhelmed when we've invested so much of ourselves into something that fails to materialise or come to fruition. Grief and loss are often experienced at these difficult times in life. Even when we've had time to prepare ourselves for what's to come it can still be an earth-shattering loss. We may manage to maintain a stoic exterior, appear calm, unfazed and resilient, but inside or when we're on our own it's often a different story. Our world has come crashing down taking our future plans, hopes and dreams with it.
How can we cope when our world has come crashing down and we're experiencing such a sense of loss?
- Keep your own counsel. Avoid comparing yourself to others. Your feelings, challenges and situation is very different to theirs. Accept that others may not be as empathic or supportive as you'd like them to be, possibly through no fault of their own. It can be disappointing, tough to tolerate, but there's little we can do when they simply don't understand.
- Choose who you share your story with. Be cautious at randomly exposing too much of yourself and your feelings at such a vulnerable time. It's easy to absorb much of other people's comments, advice and input, but question, would they really do what they so freely advise you to do if they were in your shoes!
- Listening to others can bring its own stress, prompting us to make inappropriate decisions and choices. When they're being so 'supportive' we may feel it's good manners to listen and follow their advice. We may even regard them as an expert, feel compelled to trust their judgement, defer to their wisdom, be swayed to go along with the most persuasive argument or most popular point of view. Listening to others can provide insights and information, help us move our thoughts along, but at the end of the day it's your life. They're not as invested in the outcome as you are.
- Check your perspective, how are you feeling? Some days are more positive than others, those others we take everything personally. When you're aware of how much you can influence each situation you can be more in control of your responses.
- Consider therapy if you suspect you have long-standing unresolved issues. Getting help is a positive way to learn from what's happened, enabling you to pick yourself up and then move forward. And working with a neutral professional who's skilled at providing the right kind of support can be an important way of helping you turn the situation around.
- Acknowledge that loss and endings bring different stages of grief. You may well go through them all, some more than once. The stages can include denial, anger, depression, bargaining/negotiation until there comes an acceptance of where you're at. All can take time, with no limit on each individual case.
- There are many kinds of outside help if you're not looking for one-to-one therapy. Online forums and discussion groups can connect you with people with similar stories where you're able to share hints, tips or sometimes simply tears and company. Knowing you're not on your own can in itself provide reassurance and comfort.
- Take the focus away from yourself. Volunteer, share the lessons learned, your insights and sensitivity by giving time and being supportive of others. When you help others it often helps you too. You'll find some people will have had tough, fraught experiences, others may need to know there's company and support available. Get involved and recognise your own growth, strength and resilience.
Above all, appreciate that things take their own time but resolution will eventually come to pass.
Susan Leigh, Altrincham, Cheshire, South Manchester counsellor, hypnotherapist, relationship counsellor, writer & media contributor. She works with individual clients, couples and provides corporate workshops and support. She's author of 3 books, 'Dealing with Stress, Managing its Impact', '101 Days of Inspiration #tipoftheday' and 'Dealing with Death, Coping with the Pain', all on Amazon. To order a copy or for more information, help and free articles visit
America, today, is portrayed as a divided society. In the news, we read “hate” groups and “hate” crimes on a regular basis.
So, let’s look at the emotion of hate.
The Emotions as Tools Model notes that each emotion informs you about how you perceive your surroundings. This is the message of the emotion. I discuss the Emotions as Tools Model in my book Emotions as Tools: Control Your Life not Your Feelings.
The message of hate is that you perceive a situation or person as extremely negative, or even demonic. Hate is a very strong emotion that is usually reserved for people whose actions you view as totally unacceptable, evil, or reprehensible. Presumably, you would want nothing to do with this person because he, she, or it is extremely toxic, negative or hurtful.
Logically, you’d think that your emotional reaction to hate would be to cut ties with or avoid the person or situation you view with such disdain. This is not, however, what frequently happens.
I need to say something about how we use the word “hate”.
While we may say “I hate Brussels sprouts.”, the word “hate” is the same as used in the word “hate” crime but the intent expressed is different. To be accurate here, while you might say that you “hate” Brussels sprouts, in reality, you just dislike them. If you really do not like Brussels sprouts, you wouldn’t order them in a restaurant.
And, while you might dislike them a whole lot, you probably are not emotionally attached to them.
With the emotion of hate, however, what you tend to do emotionally is exactly the opposite of what you would expect. Instead of moving away from the object of your hate, emotionally, you bind yourself to the person or situation just as powerfully as if you were in love with them.
Let me show you what I mean.
Imagine that you are facing a person and you are firmly holding both of their hands in yours. Everywhere they go, you go. And vice versa.
Think of this as love. You are emotionally connected to the person you love and they are with you all the time.
Now, let’s look at hate. You can visualize the emotion of hate by standing back to back with your partner and then firmly taking both of their hands in yours. As you can see, you are now opposite them in the sense that many people consider hate to be the opposite of love.
But, and this is the important part, you are just as securely connected to them as you are with love. Where they go, you go. And, they are with you all the time.
If you truly hate someone, you will realize that you can be consumed by your hate. Just as you can be consumed by your love.
This may be okay with love. It isn’t okay with hate.
When you truly hate someone, you might find yourself engaging more deeply with them perhaps to get revenge on or to hurt them in some way. When this happens, you are most likely also experiencing anger. The message of anger is that you perceive a threat to your values or sense of right and wrong and you believe you can “eliminate” the threat by throwing enough force at it. Hence, you are motivated to take forceful action against the person (or people) you perceive as a threat.
To mix anger and hate together can be very dangerous. The hate emotionally binds you to the person (or object of your hate) and the anger emotionally energizes you to take destructive action. Under these circumstances, logic and thinking about consequences often get eliminated. Think about hate groups, hate crimes, extreme discrimination, and so forth.
This is why you might want to avoid hating another person.
“Huh”, you say, “what does that mean?”
Well, as I said above, hate is a very strong emotion. When you are under the influence of hate, you tend not to take the next step in mastering an emotion which is to assess the validity of the message the emotion is communicating to you. Thus, with hate, you should assess both whether the object of your hate is, indeed, demonic AND whether the actions you are about to engage in (moving toward rather than away from that which you hate) will, improve the situation in which you find yourself.
So, what are your options?
If someone or something is, indeed, terrible, reprehensible, or demonic, you can decide to feel disgust toward them. The message of disgust is that you need to avoid or dispel the disgusting object. Think of Brussels sprouts as disgusting. If you find the actions of this despicable person as reprehensible and as a threat to your values or safety, you can use the energy of your valid anger to develop and execute a plan to neutralize this individual. You are now engaged with, but not necessarily irrevocably emotionally bound to, the person or situation.
I discuss anger and the anger cycle in depth both in my book Beyond Anger Management: Master Your Anger as a Strategic Tool.
For more information on mastering different emotions, click on over to my blog TheEmotionsDoctor.com and check out the Index tab in the upper right hand corner of the home page. This will give you a listing of all of my posts by category, title and date.