Let’s Take a Look at The Emotion of Hate - Vigyaa
Close

Delete Collection?

Are you sure you want to delete this collection permanently?

Close

Delete Collection?

Are you sure you want to delete this collection permanently?

Everyone has a Story to Tell and an Experience to Share!

Let’s Start Writing
cd6fa2b7-6505-44aa-8215-f9102c193429

703 views

Let’s Take a Look at The Emotion of Hate

America, today, is portrayed as a divided society. In the news, we read “hate” groups and “hate” crimes on a regular basis.

So, let’s look at the emotion of hate.

The Emotions as Tools Model notes that each emotion informs you about how you perceive your surroundings. This is the message of the emotion. I discuss the Emotions as Tools Model in my book Emotions as Tools: Control Your Life not Your Feelings.

The message of hate is that you perceive a situation or person as extremely negative, or even demonic. Hate is a very strong emotion that is usually reserved for people whose actions you view as totally unacceptable, evil, or reprehensible. Presumably, you would want nothing to do with this person because he, she, or it is extremely toxic, negative or hurtful.

Logically, you’d think that your emotional reaction to hate would be to cut ties with or avoid the person or situation you view with such disdain. This is not, however, what frequently happens.

I need to say something about how we use the word “hate”.

While we may say “I hate Brussels sprouts.”, the word “hate” is the same as used in the word “hate” crime but the intent expressed is different. To be accurate here, while you might say that you “hate” Brussels sprouts, in reality, you just dislike them. If you really do not like Brussels sprouts, you wouldn’t order them in a restaurant.

And, while you might dislike them a whole lot, you probably are not emotionally attached to them.

With the emotion of hate, however, what you tend to do emotionally is exactly the opposite of what you would expect. Instead of moving away from the object of your hate, emotionally, you bind yourself to the person or situation just as powerfully as if you were in love with them.

Let me show you what I mean.

Imagine that you are facing a person and you are firmly holding both of their hands in yours. Everywhere they go, you go. And vice versa.

Think of this as love. You are emotionally connected to the person you love and they are with you all the time.

Now, let’s look at hate. You can visualize the emotion of hate by standing back to back with your partner and then firmly taking both of their hands in yours. As you can see, you are now opposite them in the sense that many people consider hate to be the opposite of love.

But, and this is the important part, you are just as securely connected to them as you are with love. Where they go, you go. And, they are with you all the time.

If you truly hate someone, you will realize that you can be consumed by your hate. Just as you can be consumed by your love.

This may be okay with love. It isn’t okay with hate.

When you truly hate someone, you might find yourself engaging more deeply with them perhaps to get revenge on or to hurt them in some way. When this happens, you are most likely also experiencing anger. The message of anger is that you perceive a threat to your values or sense of right and wrong and you believe you can “eliminate” the threat by throwing enough force at it. Hence, you are motivated to take forceful action against the person (or people) you perceive as a threat.

To mix anger and hate together can be very dangerous. The hate emotionally binds you to the person (or object of your hate) and the anger emotionally energizes you to take destructive action. Under these circumstances, logic and thinking about consequences often get eliminated. Think about hate groups, hate crimes, extreme discrimination, and so forth.

This is why you might want to avoid hating another person.

“Huh”, you say, “what does that mean?”

Well, as I said above, hate is a very strong emotion. When you are under the influence of hate, you tend not to take the next step in mastering an emotion which is to assess the validity of the message the emotion is communicating to you. Thus, with hate, you should assess both whether the object of your hate is, indeed, demonic AND whether the actions you are about to engage in (moving toward rather than away from that which you hate) will, improve the situation in which you find yourself.

So, what are your options?

If someone or something is, indeed, terrible, reprehensible, or demonic, you can decide to feel disgust toward them. The message of disgust is that you need to avoid or dispel the disgusting object. Think of Brussels sprouts as disgusting. If you find the actions of this despicable person as reprehensible and as a threat to your values or safety, you can use the energy of your valid anger to develop and execute a plan to neutralize this individual. You are now engaged with, but not necessarily irrevocably emotionally bound to, the person or situation.

I discuss anger and the anger cycle in depth both in my book Beyond Anger Management: Master Your Anger as a Strategic Tool.

For more information on mastering different emotions, click on over to my blog TheEmotionsDoctor.com and check out the Index tab in the upper right hand corner of the home page. This will give you a listing of all of my posts by category, title and date.

Ed Daube, The Emotions Doctor, is a psychologist and bestselling author.

Categories

Others Emotions


Related Articles

All of us are concerned about feelings, mainly our own. Sad to say, we give little thought to other people and their feelings and, as I said, we are rather egregiously and absolutely concerned with our own typical human self-involvement and egotism. This little essay will concern itself with analyzing feelings.

The first thing that must be said is that feelings are very inexact indicators of truth. Our feelings may be affected when someone chooses not to talk to us, or declines, or is indifferent to that issue. In reality, that person may be simply living their life without reference to our feelings at all, or to ourselves at all. We interpret their indifference or lack of attention to us as a stab at our feelings and personhood, At times, our feelings are affected when someone speaks to us in what we perceive as an overly harsh, cutting, and mean spirited fashion. That may be the way that person speaks to everyone and that particular behavior may be and is not directed to us or our feelings.

Thus as we see by these examples our feelings interpret things and twist them, misleading us, and so it may be said that feelings are not very exact indicators of truth. Second, in the present state of society, feelings do not occupy a very great role. An example would be the ideal of romantic love, which governed western culture for some 1900 years up to the present time when lust has taken over. lf we chance to view the movies or listen to the Broadway shows of the 1930s and 1940s, we see romantic love featured men and women approach each other gingerly and barely touch.

At that time in society, love was paramount, not lust. The films of that era depicted men and women as falling in love and getting married. The films of today portray them as jumping into bed, to wit the James Bond films. The popular music of our day is crude and its lyrics at times offensive, featuring animal passion as opposed to the love songs of South Pacific, one of the great Broadway shows of the 1940s, including "Some Enchanted Evening". If we have not grown up from love, we perhaps have grown away from it and so feelings are nulled and hidden and not really featured.

The delicacy of romantic love and the love songs of the Broadway stage have been overcome by crude, loud, blaring cacophony, featuring grotesquely offensive lyrics.

One may speculate that the reason for this is the decline of the Christian worldview which promoted love leading to marriage. That worldview has been slowly eroded and in some cases eliminated depending on who you are talking to.

A final point in this little literary byway about feelings is that feelings and emotions differ between child and adult. The child is concerned, if not twisted and obsessed with, his own feelings and being loved or better put being the recipient of love from his parents, teachers and other adults that he or she looks up to. Adult feelings are different. Compassion, kindness, and charity are adult emotions and feelings. They

concern themselves not with the feelings of our persons in our self but concern consideration and humanity as respects others. Only a mature adult can realize and express these feelings. What then can we say of feelings? What with cell phones, emails, computers DVDs, television, and movies feelings and relationships are distant and removed and so love is distant and removed. This is another reason why feelings are on the decline in our present society. We are more and more separated by technology and electronics and the opportunity to form giving, concerned, compassionate humanitarian relationships is becoming and has become more and more difficult if not unreachable.

One may hope that human relationships will make a comeback from the forces of darkness that assault us men and women A world without feelings between persons is a gray, boring world and is unforgiving and without growth and dynamism. One may hope that there will be a return to the romantic humanitarian ideal, which is the only way to true growth.

A number of months ago, I heard someone say that they couldn’t live without their partner. Now, this wasn’t because this person was disabled and therefore, needed this person in order to be able to handle life.

No, this was someone who was perfectly capable of handling life by themselves. However, although this was the case, this person created the impression that they needed their partner.

A Deeper Look

Based on what they came out with, it could be said that their survival was attached to their partner. So even though they were a capable human being, a big part of them didn’t feel that way.

It then didn’t matter how healthy their physical body was or how developed their intellect was, as their emotional self was undermining them. This part of them cancelled out the other parts of them.

Emotionally Undeveloped

At an emotional level, there is a strong chance that they felt like a needy child; not a strong adult who could support themselves. Their physical age was then radically different to their emotional age.

Ultimately, they were not emotionally interdependent; they were emotionally dependent. As a result of this, they may have had the tendency to neglect their own needs and to do what they could to fulfil their partner’s needs.

The Priority

Experiencing life in this is unlikely to have been very fulfilling for them, but it likely to have been something that just happened. Neglecting their own needs would have been seen as a being better than the alternative – being abandoned.

Even if they were not aware of this fear, it would still have had a lot of control over their life. To the emotional part of their being, being left would have been seen as something that would bring their life to an end.

Two Parts

Along with this, they may have believed that there was something inherently wrong with them. Consequently, this would have caused them to believe that their needs were not important, and it would have been seen as the reason why another person would leave them.

Hiding who they are and doing what they can to please their partner is going to be vital. The question is: why would someone not feel comfortable in their own skin and have a fear of being abandoned?

Early Years

What this may show is that their formative years were a time when they didn’t receive the right care. Perhaps this was a time when they were neglected and abused, which would have stopped them from being able to develop in the right way.

Instead of going through the developmental stages, they would have stayed in a dependent state. Not only this, the shame that they experienced would have disconnected them from their inherent worth.

Final Thoughts

If someone can relate to this, and they want to emotionally grow up, they may need to reach out for external support. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.

​With external support, one can start to work through their inner wounds, and by doing this they can become a more integrated human being. This is likely to be something that takes patience and persistence. 

Reference Image
Close