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Constructive as Destructive –“Perfectionism”

Is there something wrong in being “The Perfect” amongst many?

But what if the same Perfectionism is leading you towards Failure?

The Perfectionists always believe in two ways – Either it has to be perfect else it’s a 100% Failure! The so called “All or Nothing” mentality. But the dark truth is that perfection many a times misleads a person.


Here are some reasons why perfectionism misleads towards failure –

Never Satisfied:

People with “The must have the best” attitude are found to be facing feelings of regret and dissatisfaction in anything they do. Because they have the “maximizing” mind-set. They are never satisfied with what they do and always seek for more and more perfection and hence remain unsatisfied forever.

Running away from Risks:

Mostly people with perfectionism are fuelled up with an intense fear of failure. And as a circumstance they always believe that “If in case I won’t be able to do it, they probably I won’t even try!” This fear of perfectionist make them actually face failure.

Suffocated Creativity:

The imaginary power and creativity gets squashed if we constantly are hindering upon perfectionism.

Delegating? A BIG NO:

A perfectionist always finds it difficult in delegating tasks to other and all again the “All or Nothing” mentality comes into picture. Perfectionist people only believe in themselves and the term “MY WAY”.

Perfectionism can hurt our Relationships as Well –

Perfectionism is always an illusion. Though people say “He/She is perfect match for me” But life rarely works on exactly what we want- might that be work, goals or relationships. We have to get out of the mode that “To be happy, everything and everyone should be perfect”. Life probably requires to let go of these expectations of perfectness, because if we stick to it we will never be happy with the closed ones around us.

Following perfectionism will always raise your expectations to an unrealistically high standards which possibly can never be met. So accept the flaws, that’s what other perfectness lies within.

A way for Anxiety –

Having unrealistic expectations from yourself contributes towards increased feelings of anxiety and difficult coping with the symptoms.

Perfectionism is always motivated with fear, constantly worrying about how others perceive you, panic disorders. These beliefs and self-doubts contributes to increase in the anxiety with constant self-defeating thoughts and negative thinking.

Can Perfectionism be cured?

There’s nothing in this world which cannot be cured or taken care of. If you find that you are the one who is falling in trap of becoming the “Perfectionist”. Follow these few steps to get out of it and start thinking in new direction –

Try to get over:

Try to get over the obsession of improving and polishing everything to make it perfect. It might end up that person you are trying to show this is thinking of it as an average or sometimes overdone.

Understand that apart from Perfect there is also a word called “Good enough”. Don’t always drag yourself into the graph of “Perfectionism”

One Day, One Goal:

Assign yourself with small tasks or projects and just give yourself time of a day to finish it. Probably start with simple ones. And make sure that the main motto is just to do it and not to get obsessed with the final output. And allow yourself to say “It’s Done”!

It’s Okay to fail:

Try failing voluntarily on purpose, it may even be fun for you. You will find that failure isn’t that bad and it often means that you are thinking forward for challenging yourself. And suddenly you will fall for a Growth Mind-set.

Take small steps towards putting you out from the zone of “Perfectionism” because somewhere “Perfectionism” is opposite of happiness and growth. It makes ones growth stagnant and always keeps us in the “Unsatisfied and Stuck Zone”.

It’s okay to be imperfect and out of Box!


Pravin Aglave



Self Improvement

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A lot of books have been written about gratitude. I think it is a well-received idea that gratitude is a nice thing to do. It is polite and people will like you better when you notice them and give thanks, and relationships will thrive with expression of gratitude. But I want to address the use of gratitude in our most vulnerable times, when it is not about being polite, nice or wanting to be liked.

When I was twenty years old, I almost died at the Columbia Presbyterian Hospital in New York City. I was a nursing student there at the time and developed septicemia (a widespread bacterial infection in my blood) from a mismanaged dental emergency from a small dentist in upstate NY while visiting with Barry. Once back at the University, my fever quickly soared to a dangerous 107 and I had to be packed in ice and was placed in the isolation ICU unit. The chief physician called my parents in Buffalo to tell them they must rush to my side as he believed I would die quickly.

But what was happening inside of me while all of this drama was unfolding? I was struggling to maintain consciousness. People around me were wondering out loud how long I might live, as if I couldn’t hear them. Somewhere in my brain that was barely functioning I decided that I would say and feel my gratitude to each person who tried to help me. For even the smallest thing that was done to me, and there were many small and big things, I said, “thank you for helping me.” Sometimes my voice was so weak that they had to lean in closer to my mouth to hear my words. Each time I said the words, “thank you,” I felt the connection to my soul and heart grow stronger. Saying “thank you” became my lifeline of strength. And in a large city hospital where people in crisis are more apt to be treated as a disease than a human being, my gratitude drew their attention back to the fact that indeed here was a human being inside this terrible medical crisis. The nurses, orderlies, doctors and even the janitors treated me with more kindness once they heard my weak words thanking them. There is much about that vulnerable time that I remember, but one thing that stands out is the feeling of strength that returned to me each time I thanked someone.

Gratitude in Vulnerable Times

Another very vulnerable time for me was when our young family of five experienced the 1989 Loma Prieta Earthquake that totally destroyed our rental home with all five of us inside. Our son was only five months old at the time. Each one of us, especially our son, came very close to being killed. We were all in a state of shock as we looked at the house that had been our home for thirteen years and realized that we would never be able to live there again.

People began arriving at our home and helping in the most amazing ways. Someone sat me down and fed me some healthy food. Someone else washed the blood from our two little girl’s legs. Others found our dogs and cats, and still others rented a U-Haul truck and began packing up the few things that were not destroyed.

After a few hours of being totally taken care of, I realized I must contact my strength again. I began by thanking God for saving us from this disaster and allowing all five of us to survive. Remembering my experience in the hospital, I went to each precious person and held their hands and looked long into their eyes and expressed my gratitude. With each thank you my mother strength returned until I was ready to make the big changes that our family needed to survive.

Gratitude also brings strength and clarity in times of great stress. Twenty years ago, Barry and I were scheduled to do a couple’s retreat in Massachusetts. Since Barry’s mother lived in New York, we both decided he should go ahead a week early and visit with her. I would stay home, take care of our children, and join him in Massachusetts for the retreat. When I arrived at the airport, I was told that all flights with a stop in Chicago were cancelled for the weekend due to extreme weather. I was also told that there was no possible way I would make it to the east coast, and that I should go home.

Barry did not want to do the couple’s retreat without me since we had a very big group at the retreat. It felt so important that somehow I get myself to Massachusetts. I went to the gate and approached a very weary attendant. Many people had been yelling at her with frustration. I kindly looked her in the eyes and thanked her first for the difficult job she had that day, and then for trying to help me. She shook her head and said she couldn’t help me, but I thanked her again for trying.

There were three airports in the San Francisco Bay area and three in the New York City area. Surely I felt a way could be found. I was asking her to check out all of these possibilities. She started once again to tell me that it was impossible while all around me I could hear people yelling at the other attendants because they could not be helped. I kept my voice very calm and kept thanking her for each time she tried. Finally, on the last try, she found one seat from San Francisco to the Kennedy Airport. I thanked her in the biggest way I could and a bright smile crossed her face. Because of my expressions of gratitude, she had given me that little bit of extra attention.

Gratitude brings strength to the heart and allows us to contact the place within us that is wise and powerful, no matter how vulnerable or stressed we might feel. Everything might be falling apart around us, but in the expression of gratitude, first to God and then to whoever is helping, we will feel our strength return. Expressing gratitude is perhaps the most powerful way we can live.

Here are a few opportunities to bring more love and growth into your life, at the following longer events led by Barry and Joyce Vissell:

Feb 11-16, 2020 — The Couples Journey, Aptos (for couples)

Jun 7-14, 2020 — Shared Heart Alaska Cruise, leaving from Seattle (for singles and couples)

Jul 19-24, 2020 — Shared Heart Summer Retreat at Breitenbush Hot Springs, OR (for singles, couples and families)

Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors near Santa Cruz, CA, who are passionate about conscious relationship and personal-spiritual growth. They are the authors of 9 books. Call 831-684-2299 for further information on counseling sessions by phone/Skype or in person, their books, recordings or their schedule of talks and workshops. Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org for their free monthly e-heartletter, their updated schedule, and inspiring past articles on many topics about relationship and living from the heart.

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