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Why Do Some People Fall Apart When A Relationship Comes To An End?

If one has just gone through a break up, they may find that it is hard for them to focus on other areas of their life. Due to how much pain they are in, everything else could fade into the background.

Perhaps they were with someone for a long time and they may have even had a strong connection with them. Therefore, now that the relationship has come to an end, it is going to be normal for them to be in pain.

Death

​What they are going through can be very similar to what they would go through if another person had passed on. Their ex won’t have passed on but what they had to together will no longer exist.

This shows that it doesn’t matter if another person has passed on or if they have just gone from one’s life; it is still going to be experienced as a loss. In both cases, their life will never be the same again.

A Gradual Process

However, providing that one allows themselves to grieve and to work through how they feel, they should be able to rise up once again. As the weeks and months go by, they may find that they start to feel better.

What had faded into the background at the beginning can then end up coming back into their life. Thus, the things that they lost interest in can soon be things that they enjoy doing again.

External Support

Another thing that will be important will be for them to make sure that they have the right people around them during this time. This will be people that show them support and encouragement.

Along with this, doing things with these people that will give them a break from what is taking place. If one was their own island, they would be able to rise up again with the support of anyone else.

A Distant Memory

There can soon come a time when they will look back on what took place and it will be as though they are just remembering something that they saw on TV. There will then be emotions that arise within them, but these emotions won’t wipe them out.

When they get to this point, they may see that while this point in their life was tough, it allowed them to grow. There may be a number of different things that they learnt, and they may have even ended up meeting someone who is a better match.

The Ideal

One way of looking at the scenario above would be to say that this is what someone would hope would happen if they were to go through a break up. They might not want to experience pain when a relationships ends, yet they would definitely want to be able to carry on with their life as time passes.

Nonetheless, this is not going to be what happens to everyone. For some people, a break up can result in them experiencing a hell of a lot of pain and this pain might not subside over time.

Two Extremes

Unlike the person above, someone like this can experience a deep sense of loss but this might not be as far as it will go. In addition to feeling sad and even hopeless, they could end up feeling suicidal.

Their inner world is going to be in complete disarray, and it could feel as though their whole world has come to an end. Their reason for being alive will have gone, taking away their reason for getting out of bed.

Down, Right Down

From the outside one will look like a whole human being, yet on the inside, they will feel anything but whole. Like a small boat on the ocean, there will be nothing to stabilise their thoughts and feelings.

Before they were in the relationship they may have generally been fine, making it hard for them to understand why they are in such a mess. That is, of course, if they are able to even think clearly at this stage of their life.

One Reason

What this may show is that they didn’t receive the kind of care that they needed as a child in order to develop a strong core/sense of self. Instead, this would have been a time when they were neglected.

So, now that the attachment that they formed has come to an end, it will have brought up all of the pain that they experienced during this stage of their life. And as it is painful for them to experience this pain now, it will give them an understanding of how painful it must have been for them as a child.

No Foundations

Another way of looking at what happened would be to say that one will be like a house that has been built on sound. If they had received the right care, they would be a house that has strong foundations.

Through having strong foundations, the emotional strength inside them would make it easier for them to handle what took place. This is why childhood neglect does so much damage as the strong foundations that one needs to be able to handle life as an adult don’t form; one just ends up with layers and layers of trauma and even brain damage.

Awareness

If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.

Working with someone like this can allow them to go where they wouldn’t go by themselves. The presence that is provided by someone like this will make it easier for them to face how they feel and to work though their pain. 

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I

He had a tough day at work. He comes back home, exhausted and slightly frustrated because he had to drive a long way back home amidst heavy traffic. He reaches home. As he is about to ring the doorbell, he smiles. He visualises his better half opening the door with a smile. A smile that has the capability to reduce, if not erase the stress. Instead, when the door is opened, he finds a tired looking woman in front of his eyes. No smile, dishevelled hair. He is disappointed but he accepts that she is a human, too. She must have had a rough day as well. He enters the house. She brings him a glass of water and attempts to smile because she knows he likes it but he is not seeing her smile now; he is irked by her body odour, she is sweating. He tries to convince himself that she must have not gotten the time to freshen up. He gets up and walks to the bedroom. He freshens up, comes back to the living room and switches on the television. He is not in a mood to start a conversation. It is dinner time, the dinner is arranged on the dining table, while she is serving him dinner, he attempts to start a conversation. She replies in monosyllables. He gives up and has dinner in silence. He finishes and walks to the kitchen, does the dishes, he always does it. She joins him in the kitchen and does her part. He looks at her, she looks beautiful despite how untidy she is. She goes to the bedroom; he decides to watch news before joining her. He goes to the bedroom after some time. He tries to get close to her, she does not play along. He is angered. He turns around and tries to sleep.

II

She had a tough day at work. She reaches home slightly earlier than him, but she is exhausted and sweating. The drop from office is God sent but that does not mean no traffic. She enters the house, empty house. She collapses on the couch but gets up immediately because she needs to tidy the house and prepare dinner before he comes. She changes her clothes; she wants to freshen up but decides to postpone it for a while. She tidies the house. She starts with dinner preparations. The doorbell rings right at the moment when she is making vegetable. She opens the door and rushes back to the kitchen in time to save the vegetable from getting burnt. She goes back with a glass of water; she tries to smile because she knows he likes to see her like that. However, he is not paying attention to her smile now. She realizes that she is sweating and perhaps stinking. She is disappointed. She understands that he needs to see her smile. He has told her so many times that her smile makes him feel good about life. He has never liked the stench of sweat on her, she does not blame him; in his shoes perhaps, she would have not liked that as well. He goes to the bedroom to freshen up. She prepares dinner. He watches television. She takes a quick shower, sprays deodorant.

He is still watching television. She then arranges dinner on dining table, he comes and sits. He does not notice that she has freshened up. She is hurt. He tries to start a conversation. She is too hurt to speak; he gives up right at the time when she decides to give in. She wants to know how his day was. She hopes he would ask her how her day was. He finishes dinner in silence and so does she. He does the dishes. She does her part. She sees him watching her. She finishes the work and goes to the bedroom; she looks in the mirror and smiles. She washes her face and neck again, especially behind the ear. She knows he likes to kiss her there. She climbs into bed and waits for him. He does not come. He is watching television. She tries to sleep. He comes to the room and kisses her behind the ear, slowly moving towards her neck. By this time, she is angered. She feels like a sex object. She does not respond. He stops, turns around and tries to sleep. She is on the verge of crying.

Such little things often happen especially when the couple is newly married. Whose fault it is in this scenario? Who would take the initiative to correct the errors and misunderstandings? These and many more similar questions still remain to be answered. What's your take on this?

To trust someone after being betrayed once becomes difficult. Trusting the same person again seems almost impossible and in addition to that we often find ourselves unable to trust anyone easily. We are humans and we tend to protect ourselves from being hurt again, we tend to envelope ourselves into a vacuum we create to keep people out of the full trust zone and hide our vulnerable self from the world. In doing so we end up pushing away the people who really care for us and those who are actually worth being trusted.

A broken heart takes time to heal. And, unless and until it is completely healed; it would be difficult to move on.

There are different kinds of people in this world -

1. People who do not trust anyone.

2. People who do not trust easily and even when they do trust someone, they keep check of the trust level.

3. People who do not trust easily but when they do, they trust completely.

4. People who trust very easily and trust completely.

The last group of people are more susceptible to being betrayed, that does not mean that the other three groups remain untouched by betrayal.

Where there is trust, there always is a risk of betrayal. And once it happens, there is ought to be pain and lingering doubt. It stays there somewhere at the back of your mind, how much ever hard you try to get rid of the thought.

How do we save ourselves from betrayal? How do we know whom to trust? Would we find the answers in some book? No self-help book or article is really going to answer these questions for you. Search for the answers within.

The second group of people who keep check of the trust level actually activate their instincts, which guide them in trusting the right kind of people and to the right extent. It is only when doubt arises, the instinct fails and they are exposed to being betrayed.

There always is a voice at the back of your mind telling you that trusting a particular person in particular circumstances and with a particular matter is not a good thing to do, it involves risk and it is important for you to be alert. Always heed to that voice.

Once betrayed does not mean that you should not trust again. We must not only continue putting our trust in other people, we must also learn to trust again the person who has betrayed you once. That is, if that person is an essential part of your life. Either on a personal front or a professional front. You have to trust yourself to be capable enough to trust that person. You must trust your instincts to guide you appropriately.

We are often betrayed by those whom we trust and we trust those who mean a lot in our life. Letting them go is not always the option and is not always easy. When letting go is the choice you can make, you are better off without the negative influence in your life. However, when the concerned person is someone from your close circle, letting go is not really a option. We must learn to survive against the negative influence.

Healing your broken heart does not necessarily mean getting rid of the lesson learned from the betrayal of the past. It simply means moving on, in a way that helps to get rid of the negativity attached to the betrayal. The more we think about it, the more we talk about it, the more pain we feel.

To start the healing process, it is essential to detach yourself from the pain. First and foremost, step is to stop thinking about it. It is equally important to stop talking about it. Stop telling others how you have been betrayed by someone and how much hurt it has caused you. Each time you re-live the betrayal, you are allowing the negativity to gain control of your thoughts. And by doing so you are blocking the positivity that would sharpen your instinct and guide you in future.

Second step of the healing process is to forgive the person who has betrayed you. Whether the person is deserving or not deserving is another matter altogether. Forgive the person for yourself, for your peace of mind. You cannot move on without forgiving the person who is the cause of the pain. You need not forget the lesson the person has taught you. Forgiving the person will help you get rid of a lot of negativity that feels likes a heavy weight on your chest. It will clear your mind and make you alert, sharpening your instinct.

The third step of healing process is to open your heart to all the positivity life has to offer. Imbibe as much positivity as you can. Look around you, there are people in your life who are worth being trusted. People who really care about you. People who want you to be happy. People who have positive influence in your life. Spend time with them, share with them and learn from them. Bathe in their love and positivity.

The final step of healing process is to start trusting again. Open your mind to new opportunities... to future. Free yourself from the bondage of doubt and believe in your strength - your instinct.

May your heart be healed.

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