Why do some men pull away when things get serious? - Vigyaa
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Why do some men pull away when things get serious?

When a man and a woman first get together it can be going along nicely and as soon as things start to become a little more serious, a man can begin to pull away. This is naturally going to be confusing for the woman and may make no sense whatsoever.

And it can depend on how connected the woman felt to the man, as to how she responds to what took place. If everything was going well and there was the potential for so much more to occur, then there is higher chance that there will not only be anger and frustration, but also a sense of sadness and even loss.

It could be devastating and the consequences could be severe; especially if this is something she has experienced time and time again. A one off may be dismissed, but to continually attract a man who is unavailable could be overwhelming and hard to comprehend.

Reasons

There is often said to be a whole range of reasons as to why a guy would pull away. And these can include a guy that is: not fully interested in the women, is at a stage where he is not ready to settle down or doesn’t want to lose his freedom, amongst other reasons.

These can sound reasonable and may settle a women’s mind. However, if they are with a man who is into them just as must as they are into him, these are unlikely to really answer a woman’s questions.

As it was going well and flowing along nicely, it would be clear that the interest is there. And while the man may not be ready to settle down, if he has met someone he has clicked with, surely he would be open to going further. Certain freedoms may be lost, but other freedoms would be gained along the way.

At first these reasons might settle a woman’s thoughts and emotions, but based on the human need to connect with another human being, it is often more about someone’s level of emotional maturity that it is about these other reasons.

In The Beginning

From the start the man could come across as being fairly interested or he could across as being extremely into the woman. And if the man was extremely keen in the beginning, it is going to be more of a shock when he pulls away.

This could be man that is in regular contact and one who wants to spend as much time as possible with the woman and take her to places. Or in the case of a guy who is fairly interested, this might just include wanting to see her on a regular basis and to keep everything fairly consistent.

So at one moment, a woman can feel that the man is into her and everything is going so well. And the next moment, the man can become: cold, distant and completely unavailable.

Hot And Cold

While the above could be what happens, it could also be something that goes in cycles. So it is not a case of the man being available and then not being available and that’s the end of it. The man could be available and then unavailable and then after a while become available again and the cycle then continues.

When this happens, a woman could end up being taken advantage of and compromising, if she hasn’t got strong boundaries. The man could then be pursued and come to conclude that his behaviour is acceptable to the woman.

And if a woman is constantly attracting these kinds of men into her life, then it could be a sign of her own fear of intimacy. Consciously there may be the desire to connect with a man and to avoid being abandoned and at a deeper level; there could be a fear of being engulfed by one.

The Unavailable Man

So as he is available at first and then shortly after becomes unavailable, it is likely that he has a fear of intimacy at a deeper level. The reason he comes on so strong at first could relate to his conscious fear of being abandoned.

And as the relationship grows stronger, his deeper fear of being engulfed arises. When he pulls away and this deeper fear settles down, the fear of being abandoned can arise once more and the interest can reappear.

These fears are not necessarily problems per se, what can lead to problems are when these fears are reacted to, instead of faced, processed and healed.

Causes

One of the primary causes of this type of behaviour and these inner fears that causes it is the relationship a man had with his mother as a child. This could have been a mother that was emotional undeveloped and so used her son to take care of her own needs and wants.

And as she was not aware of her own behaviour and out of tune with her sons needs, she ended up smothering her son in the process. The son would have wanted his mother to fulfil his wants and needs, but would have feared being smothered if this took place.

Whether he got attention or not would therefore lead to the experience of pain. To be left would cause the feeling of being abandoned, but if the mother was available it would result in the feeling of being engulfed.

Awareness

These inner fears are creating conflict for the man and until they become aware of them, there is unlikely to be any real change. These fears and emotions, that have remained trapped in the body since those early years, can be released with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.

When a woman feels completely comfortable with intimacy, it is unlikely that she would be attracted to a man who is not. So a woman may also have some letting go to do.

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I

He had a tough day at work. He comes back home, exhausted and slightly frustrated because he had to drive a long way back home amidst heavy traffic. He reaches home. As he is about to ring the doorbell, he smiles. He visualises his better half opening the door with a smile. A smile that has the capability to reduce, if not erase the stress. Instead, when the door is opened, he finds a tired looking woman in front of his eyes. No smile, dishevelled hair. He is disappointed but he accepts that she is a human, too. She must have had a rough day as well. He enters the house. She brings him a glass of water and attempts to smile because she knows he likes it but he is not seeing her smile now; he is irked by her body odour, she is sweating. He tries to convince himself that she must have not gotten the time to freshen up. He gets up and walks to the bedroom. He freshens up, comes back to the living room and switches on the television. He is not in a mood to start a conversation. It is dinner time, the dinner is arranged on the dining table, while she is serving him dinner, he attempts to start a conversation. She replies in monosyllables. He gives up and has dinner in silence. He finishes and walks to the kitchen, does the dishes, he always does it. She joins him in the kitchen and does her part. He looks at her, she looks beautiful despite how untidy she is. She goes to the bedroom; he decides to watch news before joining her. He goes to the bedroom after some time. He tries to get close to her, she does not play along. He is angered. He turns around and tries to sleep.

II

She had a tough day at work. She reaches home slightly earlier than him, but she is exhausted and sweating. The drop from office is God sent but that does not mean no traffic. She enters the house, empty house. She collapses on the couch but gets up immediately because she needs to tidy the house and prepare dinner before he comes. She changes her clothes; she wants to freshen up but decides to postpone it for a while. She tidies the house. She starts with dinner preparations. The doorbell rings right at the moment when she is making vegetable. She opens the door and rushes back to the kitchen in time to save the vegetable from getting burnt. She goes back with a glass of water; she tries to smile because she knows he likes to see her like that. However, he is not paying attention to her smile now. She realizes that she is sweating and perhaps stinking. She is disappointed. She understands that he needs to see her smile. He has told her so many times that her smile makes him feel good about life. He has never liked the stench of sweat on her, she does not blame him; in his shoes perhaps, she would have not liked that as well. He goes to the bedroom to freshen up. She prepares dinner. He watches television. She takes a quick shower, sprays deodorant.

He is still watching television. She then arranges dinner on dining table, he comes and sits. He does not notice that she has freshened up. She is hurt. He tries to start a conversation. She is too hurt to speak; he gives up right at the time when she decides to give in. She wants to know how his day was. She hopes he would ask her how her day was. He finishes dinner in silence and so does she. He does the dishes. She does her part. She sees him watching her. She finishes the work and goes to the bedroom; she looks in the mirror and smiles. She washes her face and neck again, especially behind the ear. She knows he likes to kiss her there. She climbs into bed and waits for him. He does not come. He is watching television. She tries to sleep. He comes to the room and kisses her behind the ear, slowly moving towards her neck. By this time, she is angered. She feels like a sex object. She does not respond. He stops, turns around and tries to sleep. She is on the verge of crying.

Such little things often happen especially when the couple is newly married. Whose fault it is in this scenario? Who would take the initiative to correct the errors and misunderstandings? These and many more similar questions still remain to be answered. What's your take on this?

To trust someone after being betrayed once becomes difficult. Trusting the same person again seems almost impossible and in addition to that we often find ourselves unable to trust anyone easily. We are humans and we tend to protect ourselves from being hurt again, we tend to envelope ourselves into a vacuum we create to keep people out of the full trust zone and hide our vulnerable self from the world. In doing so we end up pushing away the people who really care for us and those who are actually worth being trusted.

A broken heart takes time to heal. And, unless and until it is completely healed; it would be difficult to move on.

There are different kinds of people in this world -

1. People who do not trust anyone.

2. People who do not trust easily and even when they do trust someone, they keep check of the trust level.

3. People who do not trust easily but when they do, they trust completely.

4. People who trust very easily and trust completely.

The last group of people are more susceptible to being betrayed, that does not mean that the other three groups remain untouched by betrayal.

Where there is trust, there always is a risk of betrayal. And once it happens, there is ought to be pain and lingering doubt. It stays there somewhere at the back of your mind, how much ever hard you try to get rid of the thought.

How do we save ourselves from betrayal? How do we know whom to trust? Would we find the answers in some book? No self-help book or article is really going to answer these questions for you. Search for the answers within.

The second group of people who keep check of the trust level actually activate their instincts, which guide them in trusting the right kind of people and to the right extent. It is only when doubt arises, the instinct fails and they are exposed to being betrayed.

There always is a voice at the back of your mind telling you that trusting a particular person in particular circumstances and with a particular matter is not a good thing to do, it involves risk and it is important for you to be alert. Always heed to that voice.

Once betrayed does not mean that you should not trust again. We must not only continue putting our trust in other people, we must also learn to trust again the person who has betrayed you once. That is, if that person is an essential part of your life. Either on a personal front or a professional front. You have to trust yourself to be capable enough to trust that person. You must trust your instincts to guide you appropriately.

We are often betrayed by those whom we trust and we trust those who mean a lot in our life. Letting them go is not always the option and is not always easy. When letting go is the choice you can make, you are better off without the negative influence in your life. However, when the concerned person is someone from your close circle, letting go is not really a option. We must learn to survive against the negative influence.

Healing your broken heart does not necessarily mean getting rid of the lesson learned from the betrayal of the past. It simply means moving on, in a way that helps to get rid of the negativity attached to the betrayal. The more we think about it, the more we talk about it, the more pain we feel.

To start the healing process, it is essential to detach yourself from the pain. First and foremost, step is to stop thinking about it. It is equally important to stop talking about it. Stop telling others how you have been betrayed by someone and how much hurt it has caused you. Each time you re-live the betrayal, you are allowing the negativity to gain control of your thoughts. And by doing so you are blocking the positivity that would sharpen your instinct and guide you in future.

Second step of the healing process is to forgive the person who has betrayed you. Whether the person is deserving or not deserving is another matter altogether. Forgive the person for yourself, for your peace of mind. You cannot move on without forgiving the person who is the cause of the pain. You need not forget the lesson the person has taught you. Forgiving the person will help you get rid of a lot of negativity that feels likes a heavy weight on your chest. It will clear your mind and make you alert, sharpening your instinct.

The third step of healing process is to open your heart to all the positivity life has to offer. Imbibe as much positivity as you can. Look around you, there are people in your life who are worth being trusted. People who really care about you. People who want you to be happy. People who have positive influence in your life. Spend time with them, share with them and learn from them. Bathe in their love and positivity.

The final step of healing process is to start trusting again. Open your mind to new opportunities... to future. Free yourself from the bondage of doubt and believe in your strength - your instinct.

May your heart be healed.

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