What Can Happen When Someone Disconnects From Their Anger? - Vigyaa

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What Can Happen When Someone Disconnects From Their Anger?

In order for something to grow and develop, it will be important for the right conditions to be in place. This is something gardeners understand and as a result of this, they are able to create the right conditions for seeds to grow, among other things.

Without this understanding, it wouldn’t be possible for them to get consistent results. And when they don’t get the results they want, they might end up putting it down to bad luck or end up blaming something.

Having the right conditions in place doesn’t mean that everything will grow or that everything will be perfect, but it will yield better results than if one had no understanding whatsoever of how to grow things. So one will need to have the right understanding on one side and on the other, the right conditions will need to be in place.

Two Factors

It is clear that seeds are not the only things that need the right conditions in order to grow, and that human beings are exactly the same. One can have the need to express themselves in a certain way, but if they are not in the right environment, it will be a challenge for them to do this.

Just as one could be in the right environment, but if they haven’t got the drive to do anything, it won’t matter. The key to growth and development then, is to have the desire to grow and for one to spend time in the right environments.

In The beginning

When one is born, they will have the need to experience certain things in order for them to grow and develop. However, while the need is there, the environment they are born into might not have allowed them to fulfil their developmental needs.

This could mean that one had to go without having certain needs met or it could mean it was far worse and that they were completely neglected. What happened during this time was largely out of one’s hands.

Later On

As an adult, one has far more control than they did during their childhood and this means that their childhood doesn’t have to define their life. This is a time where one can not only get in touch with their need to grow and develop; they can also get themselves into the environments that will enable them to fulfil this need.

What one needs to work on as an adult can all depend on what happened during their childhood. If one’s needs and feelings were ignored as a child, it could mean that one is unaware of their needs and feelings as an adult.

The Ideal

When it comes to one’s emotions for instance, the ideal with be for them to not only be in touch with them, but to also feel comfortable with them. This will mean that one won’t be disconnected from their emotions and neither will they feel as though certain emotions are unacceptable.

But due to what happened during their childhood, one can end up being disconnected from certain emotions. Through how the people around them responded to their emotions and how they expressed their own, one might believe that not all emotions are acceptable.


This sets one up to disconnect from certain emotions and they are then in conflict with them themselves. And just because one disconnects from them, it doesn’t mean they will just disappear.

Every emotion that one has is there for a reason and what can define whether they are good or bad is how one allows an emotion to effect them and the effect it has on others. Just as a knife can be seen as in a positive light if one was to use it to cut food or to eat for instance, but if they were to cut themselves or others, it would be seen in a negative light.


It all comes down to how one responds to how they feel and in the case of a knife, how they use it. One thing that emotions do is provide one with guidance and this can let them know if they are on track and if others are respecting their boundaries.

Yet, if one has disconnected from their emotions or a certain emotion, it might not be possible for them to know if they are on track or if their boundaries are being crossed. One is then not working with themselves, they are working against themselves.


And one emotion that people can end up disconnecting from is anger. But while anger is often seen as a ‘negative emotion’, it plays an important role. In order for one to have a sense of self, they will need to be in touch with their anger.

This is because it will let them know if they are being compromised or violated by others. Just as their anger will give them the power they need to take action. So if one is out of touch with their anger, it will appear in other ways.


Without one having the connection to their anger, they can end up feeling depressed. This can be because they are unaware of their need to speak up, to take action and to acknowledge what is not working in their life.

Another thing that can happen is that one can come across as being apathetic. Nothing bothers them and this is going to mean that it doesn’t matter what happens; as they won’t feel the need to do anything. And because they don’t do anything, there are going to me even more reasons for them to be apathetic.

Their anger could also be known through passive aggressive behaviour. Here, one could turn up late for things, go silent and forget to do things. This shows that even though one might not be able to acknowledge how they feel, it is still having an effect on their behaviour.

Coming across as sarcastic is another thing that can happen when one has lost touch with their anger. This is an indirect way for them to release what has built up within them and it can be done without one having to accept how they feel.


These are just a few things that can occur when one disconnects from their anger. It can also affect one’s body and cause them to have skin problems. One will need to integrate their anger and this can be done by one looking at the associations they have formed around it.

As they start to think about why they reject their anger, they might find that it comes down to the fear of being harmed and/or abandoned. The reason they have these fears could be because of what happened when they were younger.

This could have been a time when one was harmed and/or abandoned for showing their anger. The emotional experiences of the past have then remained in their body and need to be processed in order one to feel that it is safe for them to integrate their anger.

The assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group may be needed here.

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We all want to become better, happier people, and we work pretty hard at it. The marketing world keeps reminding us that we are not even close to our potential and holds up endless images of perfection that reinforce that idea. The solution advertising offers is a better appearance, more friends, accomplishments, public recognition, power, etc. We are programmed into being defined by external factors.

Additionally, self-help resources are everywhere. There are seminars, healers, books, lectures, and retreats, much of which can be helpful. The message is “if I had more of ‘___________’ I would be a happier person.” This includes wisdom, the tools on this web site, less pain, etc.

What we really mean when we say that we want to be happy is that we would like to experience less anxiety.

The “Abyss”

Many, if not most, of my patients would test out just fine on a psychological test. But chronic pain will still take you down anyway. It creates extreme anxiety and frustration. I define “The Abyss” as:

                                                      Anxiety x Anger x Time

The Abyss represents an unspeakably dark area of your brain. My patients can’t express it with words. I spent over seven years in a severe burnout. My experience also included chronic pain in several areas of my body. I experienced an intense burning sensation in both of my feet, tinnitus, multiple areas of tendonitis, migraine headaches and crushing right-sided chest pain.I didn’t know why I was having all of these symptoms and all the testing was normal. I eventually lost all hope. I “pre-tested” every millimeter of the pathway outlined on this website, mostly by trying multiple approaches that didn’t work. Suffering from chronic pain is far removed from happiness.


The DOC process is paradoxical. The harder you try to get enough of the tools to “fix” yourself the less likely you are to be successful in becoming pain free (or happy). It is critical to understand that you have to enjoy your day with the idea that your pain or your life circumstances may never improve. In other words you must learn to enjoy life with what you have—NOW!

If you are waiting for more wisdom, more re-programming tools, more money, a nicer spouse, better-behaved kids, or less pain before you can fully engage in your life, it’s never going to happen. It is life’s ultimate paradox. The harder you try to “fix” your life and yourself, the less likely you are to enjoy it.

We also forget how illogical it is to think that all of the variables in our lives are going to align so well that we are going to finally be fulfilled. And if it could happen, how long do you think it would last? Think how much energy we spend trying to control so much. Yet, we don’t give up trying.

The Reverse Paradox

Then there is the other side of the paradox. The more you can enjoy your day in light of your current life circumstances; you will then possess more energy and creativity to create a life that you desire.

Enjoy Your Day-Today

An Exercise

I often do an exercise with my patients. I look at my watch and point out that the time is X and you have Y number of hours left in the day. I ask them to make a decision to enjoy the next number of hours regardless of their circumstances, including the pain. A major key to solving your pain is to step fully into the life you want, with or without the pain.

When I was in the middle of my own intense burnout about 10 years ago, I had to make ongoing decisions to just enjoy the next 15 minutes. I’m serious. I had to make a conscious effort every 15 to 30 minutes.

My ongoing challenge to myself and to my patients is, “Enjoy your day—today.”

Enjoy Your Day-Today


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