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Why Do Some People Find It Hard To Surrender?

In today's world it is often believed that there are two ways to be in life, and one of these ways is often seen as good and another is often seen as bad. The first is to take action and to take life by the horns, which is the good way, and the second option is to be lazy and to sit around doing nothing, which is the bad way.

It is then as though there is no middle ground here; one is either a doer or they are someone who doesn't do anything. In addition to this, they can either receive positive feedback from others or they can end up being put down.

Socially Acceptable Behaviour

So, then, if someone is a go getter and doesn't sit around like some people do, they are typically going to be seen as someone who lives in the right way. What could add to this is that one may have achieved a fair amount of material success.

Through being in this position, it will be seen as further evidence that they are behaving in the right way. What this comes down to is that material success is often seen as a sign of how well someone is doing in life.

The Reason

What this person owns will then be a reflection of what they have done up until this point in their life. Therefore, it if wasn't for everything they had done, their life would be very different.

Their life would be more like the life of someone who just sits around and doesn't do anything. Unlike these kinds of people, one won't be willing to sit around and to wait for things to just happen.

The Other Experience

If someone does sit around and doesn't do a lot, they could end up be labelled as being lazy. Other people could tell them that they need to stop sitting around and to do something with their life.

Someone like this might not live on the street, but they probably won't have a lot compared with the person above. One may have been told on a number of occasions that they are not on this planet to waste time.

The Solution

In order for one to get themselves out of this position and to make something of their life, it will be essential for them to take action. Instead of sitting around all the time, it will be vital for them to become a doer.

Behaving in this will allow them to pull themselves out of the hole that they are in and to attain material success. And, once they have done this, they will be seen as someone who has 'made it' in the modern day world.

An Analogy

One way of looking at this would be to say that when one sits around and doesn't do anything, they will be like a broken down car. But, when they are someone who takes action, they will be like a car that is always in use.

One will have gone from one extreme to another, with this being the 'answer' to most of their problems. However, while a car can sit around or be driving around for just about every moment of the day, it can also have moments when it sits around and moments when it drives around.

Back To Reality

In the same way, a human being can also have moments when they sit back and just be, and they can have moments when they take action and do. After all, there is a reason why human beings are called human beings and not human doings.

Even so, a lot of people on this planet are human beings in name only, having lost the ability to just be. As a result of this, surrendering to life is something that is rarely even spoken about, let alone something that rarely takes place, and, even if it is, it is often seen as something that is negative or weak.

The Meaning

If someone was to think about this word, what could come to mind is throwing the towel in, so to speak, and giving up. Yet, even if this meaning doesn't come to mind, what could come to mind is simply sitting around and waiting for things to happen.

So, thanks to the conditioning that they will have received over the years, it is going to be perfectly normal for them to be repelled by this idea. Ultimately, one is going to want to be in the driver's seat, not simply lying in the back of the car whilst someone else drives.

A Big Challenge

When one surrenders it doesn't mean that they are giving up; what it means is that they are giving up control and trusting that everything will happen as it needs to. This is not another technique, though, it is what happens when one fully lets go and is able to embrace their body.

One of the reasons why this can be hard to do is because ones body can carry a fair amount of emotional pain, meaning that getting out of their head and being in their body can be overwhelming. Taking action and trying to make everything happen, on the other hand, can allow them to avoid this pain.

Other Factors

If they were able to get in touch with their body and to tune into how they feel, they may get a lot of insight as to why they have been unable to surrender. During this time, all kinds of feelings may arise.

They could end up feeling worthless, rejected, and abandoned, wondering if anything will happen if they allow themselves to surrender and only take inspired action. This can be a sign that their early years were not very nurturing.

Back In Time

When one was born, not only would they have been a human being in the truest sense of the word, they would have also not been able to do a lot. This was then a time in their life when they had no other choice than to surrender and to trust that their needs would be met.

Nonetheless, while this was the case, they may have been brought up by caregivers who were not attuned to their needs. Consequently, one may have spent a lot of time feeling rejected and abandoned, and this would have caused them to experience a fair amount of shame.

A Big Impact

The time in their life when they did surrender would have been very traumatic, so it is not going to be a surprise that they find it hard to surrender as an adult. The people who they trusted to look after them would have let them down, so why would they trust the universe (or another description that works for them) to be there for them?

As they were not there for them, it would have most likely set them up to believe that it was because they didn't deserve to have their needs met. This will be the reason why they believe that they don't deserve to receive anything from the universe either.


If one can relate to this, and they no longer want to struggle and strain, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.

By working through the trauma that is within them, they will gradually be able to settle into their body and to trust in life. It is highly unlikely that this will take place overnight - it will take patience and persistence.

Author Bio:

Teacher, prolific writer, author, and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With over two thousand in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to -

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If someone who had a painful childhood was to talk about what took place to another person, they may end up being told that they need to forgive their parents. This could be something that they come out with more or less straight away or it may have taken a while.

Furthermore, one could be told that what they went through is all in the past and now they need to put it behind them. And that if they don’t do this, it will stop them from being able to live a good life.

A Heavy Weight

Thus, in the same way that an anchor will stop a ship from moving forward, their attachment to the past will do the same thing. The sooner they are able to see this, the sooner they will be able to let go of what took place all those years ago.

Forgiving their parents for what happened is going to be essential if they want to let go of the pain that they are in and to experience inner peace. This could be something that takes place directly or they could write a letter and send it to them.

Positive Feedback

Once this has taken place, they may find that they start to feel better. Also, the person who told them to do this, along with a number of other people, could say that they did the right thing.

The days and weeks could go by and their life could continue to improve, with it being clear that they made the right decision. Then again, what they may find is that they have simply pushed down their true feelings and are living in denial.

A Different Approach

Although forgiveness was put forward as the solution to what they were going through, it doesn’t mean it is the right solution. One way of looking at it would be to say that it doesn’t matter whether they forgive their parents or not; what matters is that they heal their inner wounds.

A number of years may have passed since they were a child, but the pain that they experienced during this time is still going to be held in their body. And, unless they work through this pain, it is likely to be more or less impossible for them to move on.

Crying Out

A big part of them – their inner child – is going to be in a lot of pain, and this part of them will want to be acknowledged and to express all of the pain that it has carried for so long. Unsurprisingly, they are not going to resolve this pain by simply forgiving their parents.

If their emotional pain was solely caused by the thoughts in their head, this approach might work. Yet, as emotional pain is held in their body, changing their thoughts is not going to get to the root of what they are experiencing.

Final Thoughts

By healing their inner wounds, they may start to experience compassion towards their parents. If so, they won’t need to force themselves to forgive them; it will be a by-product of healing themselves.

They may also gradually come to see their parents are just flawed human beings, not as gods. This would show that they are seeing them through adult eyes, as opposed to the eyes of their wounded inner child.

​If someone is in a lot of pain, and they want to heal their winner wounds, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer. 

About Author

Someone I know very well one day turned to me and said that nothing good ever happened to her. She really believed that to be the case and looked incredulous when I challenged her by offering a few examples of familiar kindnesses and good manners than often come our way.

She reflected and then acknowledged that her perspective had become skewed to a perpetual negative wavelength. It was only then that she realised how hard-wired she'd become to constantly worry and anticipate bad things, so losing the ability to notice any good.

For some people worrying is a way of life. They constantly worry about what might happen, what might go wrong. Even when everything's going well they worry, 'what if it doesn't last?' This state of hyper-vigilance may have been learned in childhood, where their home life was a constant round of checking, fretting and anxious behaviour. Or they may have been the recipient of endless criticism and so learned to constantly worry as they monitored themselves in order to avoid falling short.

Whilst there's a role for being prepared for most eventualities, automatically expecting the worst can become a habit. Perspective is the key to living a happier, more optimistic life. This doesn't mean wearing rose-tinted glasses, being naive or excusing bad behaviour but being hard-wired to constantly worry means that we're programmed to always tune in to potentially negative signals.

Even people in therapy who are doing really well, coping much better with daily life, confidentially and efficiently handling unexpected challenges can sometimes struggle to let go of worry, especially in stressful situations. Worry may have become an automatic default which is all too easy to revert back to. It's almost an insurance policy; by staying on full alert nothing bad can slip by and catch them unawares. It's a control issue; if they relax things might go haywire and then chaos will take over.

We need to reassure ourselves that we've all had experience of recovering from worrisome setbacks. We've dealt with rejection, not winning the prize or being last to be chosen for a team. We've survived those experiences and learned from them. It's often setbacks that teach us the most; we learn how resilient we can be, that it's okay to accept help, share our feelings and, most of all, how to find alternative solutions and be flexible in our thinking. Setbacks bring valuable lessons.

We attract what we expect and can often alleviate an unfortunate or negative outcome by being more upbeat and optimistic. Remember those times when you've met someone who's tense, anxious or stressed; it puts us on edge too. But being with someone who's calm and comfortably in control allows us also to relax and feel more at ease. Things usually work out better then.

It's even possible to turn a negative situation around by ignoring or refusing to be sucked into worry, stress or tension. Well-placed good humour, assertiveness and positive language can sometimes override or deflect a potentially fraught situation into something more manageable or even pleasant.

Having a different approach to worry, where we accept that we're concerned rather than worried, helps us treat potential problem areas as stepping-stones along the way. It can open up a whole new way of looking at ourselves and the world.

7 tips to help you cope better;

- Start to appreciate that your worries may be someone else's words; it's their insecurities and fears which you've absorbed and are carrying with you. You're not your parent or teacher who used to handle situations in that way. Determine to break the cycle now.

- Recognise your triggers for worrying and, at that point, intercept or distract yourself. When you're tired or stressed find ways to treat yourself better with breaks, exercise, fun or healthy food.

- Be proactive and challenge worries by refusing to follow a 'what-if' route. Often fear, guilt and embarrassment accompany worry. Listen to other people talking and you'll find that almost everyone shares the same concerns. You're not alone.

- Consider hypnotherapy. It's a powerful, yet respectful way of dealing with unwanted habits and responses. It can help you become calmer and more confident, able to manage stress and become the best version of yourself.

- Break larger worrisome situations into bite-sized chunks. Big tasks or problems can often be broken down into smaller, more manageable parts. Set the wheels in motion by tackling each element, one piece at a time and avoid becoming overwhelmed.

- Use lists. Clear your mind by noting down everything that worries you. The first list may take some time! Then tell yourself to stop worrying; everything's on paper, you won't forget it. Add to and delete items as appropriate and practise being firm with your self-talk. This can be especially valuable before bed.

- Accept that no matter how much you plan, prepare and worry unexpected things will sometimes crop up to rock the boat. Over the years you've become resourced and experienced enough to deal with eventualities when necessary. For example, if your car broke down you'd have an automatic checklist that you could run through to help you resolve immediate concerns; does the car need to be moved, do I need to call someone and let them know, am I a member of a car rescue organisation?

Worry depletes your energy, humour and health. By sharing your concerns, accepting help and learning to treat yourself well you can start to manage your worries rather than have them manage you!

About Author -
Susan Leigh, Altrincham, Cheshire, South Manchester counsellor, hypnotherapist, relationship counsellor, writer & media contributor offers help with relationship issues, stress management, assertiveness and confidence. She works with individual clients, couples and provides corporate workshops and support.

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