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Do Some People's Childhoods Sets Them Up Disconnect From Their Emotional Self

Although human beings are made up of many different selves, such as an intellectual and an emotional self, it doesn’t mean that everyone on this planet is in touch with each of these selves. If someone is in touch with each part of themselves, it could be said that they will be operating as a whole human being.

One will be able to think clearly and they will be in touch with their feelings. Through being this way, it will be possible for them to not only perform a certain job well, they will also be able to form deeper connections with others.

One Benefit

This is because their emotional self will be what allows them to truly connect with others, whereas their intellectual self alone is not going to allow this to take place. Furthermore, their emotional self will also provide them with guidance.

So, when it comes to whether or not they should do something or if they should say yes or no, for instance, this part of them will give them the information that they need. This part of them will tell them what their needs are.

It Doesn’t Stop

One way of looking at this would be to say that their emotional self is their inner guidance system. No matter what time of the day it is or where they are, this part of them will always be there.

To live a fulfilling life, it will be essential for them to listen to this part of them and to utilise the information that it provides. Going against this part of them is only going to cause them to suffer unnecessarily.

Off Track

If one was to look back on their life, they may see that there have been times when they have ignored this part of themselves. Consequently, it might not have been long until they paid the price.

Then again, there may have been a time in their life when this was just how their life was, meaning that ignoring themselves was normal. They are then going to be only too familiar with what it is like to ignore this part of themselves.

Inner Directed

Being this way doesn’t mean that one will completely overlook other people needs; what it means is that they won’t be interested in living a life where they ignore their needs and are totally consumed with other people’s needs. Putting their own needs to one side from time to time is going to be radically different to always doing this.

Also, being connected to how they feel doesn’t mean that they will constantly be expressing how they feel, either. They will realise that there is a time to express how they feel and a time to keep how they feel to themselves, containing what is taking place within them.

Another Reality

If someone isn’t in touch with their emotional self, only having a connection to their intellectual self, they are not going to be operating as a whole human being. As a result of this, they probably won’t have a very good connection with their body.

There is then the chance that they won’t have trouble thinking clearly, but that it will be a challenge for them to connect to how they feel and to know what their needs are. When they are at work they could be fine, yet when they are around others, it could be a different story.


Due to being out of touch with their emotional self, their connections with others are unlikely to be very deep. And if they are in a relationship, their partner could often tell them that they are distant and even emotionally unavailable.

Still, one could be out of touch with this part of themselves and not even realise it. There can then be moments when they feel empty, and they may see that they don’t feel strongly connected to anyone, but it doesn’t mean that they will look into what is going on.

Enough is enough

If someone like this was to get to the point where living in this way was too painful, no longer wanting to feel cut off from themselves, others or even numb, they could end up looking into what is going on. What they could find out is that the reason they are experiencing life in this way is because they have experienced trauma.

Disconnecting from their body, along with their emotional self in the process, was a way for them to survive what happened to them. Thus, in the same way that they would leave an environment if it was dangerous, they left their body as it was too painful for them to inhabit it.

In The Past

This may relate to what they have been through as an adult or it could go back to what took place during their early years. If it goes back to their early years, there is the chance that they were abused and/or neglected.

This would have been a time when they were not equipped to deal with a lot of pain, yet their whole system would have felt overwhelmed on a daily/weekly basis. The only way for them to handle this pain would have been to leave their body.


What kept them alive as a child is now going to be making their life harder than it needs to be. Even so, this is not to say that one should try to dive into their body and to deal with the pain that is there.

For one thing, this approach could end up overwhelming them, but, as they have been out of touch with their body for so many years, it is highly unlikely that they will just be able to get back in there. Getting back in touch with this part of them can take a little while, irrespective of how committed they are.

If one can relate to this, and they want to become an integrated human being, they will probably need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.

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Others Emotions

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America, today, is portrayed as a divided society. In the news, we read “hate” groups and “hate” crimes on a regular basis.

So, let’s look at the emotion of hate.

The Emotions as Tools Model notes that each emotion informs you about how you perceive your surroundings. This is the message of the emotion. I discuss the Emotions as Tools Model in my book Emotions as Tools: Control Your Life not Your Feelings.

The message of hate is that you perceive a situation or person as extremely negative, or even demonic. Hate is a very strong emotion that is usually reserved for people whose actions you view as totally unacceptable, evil, or reprehensible. Presumably, you would want nothing to do with this person because he, she, or it is extremely toxic, negative or hurtful.

Logically, you’d think that your emotional reaction to hate would be to cut ties with or avoid the person or situation you view with such disdain. This is not, however, what frequently happens.

I need to say something about how we use the word “hate”.

While we may say “I hate Brussels sprouts.”, the word “hate” is the same as used in the word “hate” crime but the intent expressed is different. To be accurate here, while you might say that you “hate” Brussels sprouts, in reality, you just dislike them. If you really do not like Brussels sprouts, you wouldn’t order them in a restaurant.

And, while you might dislike them a whole lot, you probably are not emotionally attached to them.

With the emotion of hate, however, what you tend to do emotionally is exactly the opposite of what you would expect. Instead of moving away from the object of your hate, emotionally, you bind yourself to the person or situation just as powerfully as if you were in love with them.

Let me show you what I mean.

Imagine that you are facing a person and you are firmly holding both of their hands in yours. Everywhere they go, you go. And vice versa.

Think of this as love. You are emotionally connected to the person you love and they are with you all the time.

Now, let’s look at hate. You can visualize the emotion of hate by standing back to back with your partner and then firmly taking both of their hands in yours. As you can see, you are now opposite them in the sense that many people consider hate to be the opposite of love.

But, and this is the important part, you are just as securely connected to them as you are with love. Where they go, you go. And, they are with you all the time.

If you truly hate someone, you will realize that you can be consumed by your hate. Just as you can be consumed by your love.

This may be okay with love. It isn’t okay with hate.

When you truly hate someone, you might find yourself engaging more deeply with them perhaps to get revenge on or to hurt them in some way. When this happens, you are most likely also experiencing anger. The message of anger is that you perceive a threat to your values or sense of right and wrong and you believe you can “eliminate” the threat by throwing enough force at it. Hence, you are motivated to take forceful action against the person (or people) you perceive as a threat.

To mix anger and hate together can be very dangerous. The hate emotionally binds you to the person (or object of your hate) and the anger emotionally energizes you to take destructive action. Under these circumstances, logic and thinking about consequences often get eliminated. Think about hate groups, hate crimes, extreme discrimination, and so forth.

This is why you might want to avoid hating another person.

“Huh”, you say, “what does that mean?”

Well, as I said above, hate is a very strong emotion. When you are under the influence of hate, you tend not to take the next step in mastering an emotion which is to assess the validity of the message the emotion is communicating to you. Thus, with hate, you should assess both whether the object of your hate is, indeed, demonic AND whether the actions you are about to engage in (moving toward rather than away from that which you hate) will, improve the situation in which you find yourself.

So, what are your options?

If someone or something is, indeed, terrible, reprehensible, or demonic, you can decide to feel disgust toward them. The message of disgust is that you need to avoid or dispel the disgusting object. Think of Brussels sprouts as disgusting. If you find the actions of this despicable person as reprehensible and as a threat to your values or safety, you can use the energy of your valid anger to develop and execute a plan to neutralize this individual. You are now engaged with, but not necessarily irrevocably emotionally bound to, the person or situation.

I discuss anger and the anger cycle in depth both in my book Beyond Anger Management: Master Your Anger as a Strategic Tool.

For more information on mastering different emotions, click on over to my blog and check out the Index tab in the upper right hand corner of the home page. This will give you a listing of all of my posts by category, title and date.

All of us are concerned about feelings, mainly our own. Sad to say, we give little thought to other people and their feelings and, as I said, we are rather egregiously and absolutely concerned with our own typical human self-involvement and egotism. This little essay will concern itself with analyzing feelings.

The first thing that must be said is that feelings are very inexact indicators of truth. Our feelings may be affected when someone chooses not to talk to us, or declines, or is indifferent to that issue. In reality, that person may be simply living their life without reference to our feelings at all, or to ourselves at all. We interpret their indifference or lack of attention to us as a stab at our feelings and personhood, At times, our feelings are affected when someone speaks to us in what we perceive as an overly harsh, cutting, and mean spirited fashion. That may be the way that person speaks to everyone and that particular behavior may be and is not directed to us or our feelings.

Thus as we see by these examples our feelings interpret things and twist them, misleading us, and so it may be said that feelings are not very exact indicators of truth. Second, in the present state of society, feelings do not occupy a very great role. An example would be the ideal of romantic love, which governed western culture for some 1900 years up to the present time when lust has taken over. lf we chance to view the movies or listen to the Broadway shows of the 1930s and 1940s, we see romantic love featured men and women approach each other gingerly and barely touch.

At that time in society, love was paramount, not lust. The films of that era depicted men and women as falling in love and getting married. The films of today portray them as jumping into bed, to wit the James Bond films. The popular music of our day is crude and its lyrics at times offensive, featuring animal passion as opposed to the love songs of South Pacific, one of the great Broadway shows of the 1940s, including "Some Enchanted Evening". If we have not grown up from love, we perhaps have grown away from it and so feelings are nulled and hidden and not really featured.

The delicacy of romantic love and the love songs of the Broadway stage have been overcome by crude, loud, blaring cacophony, featuring grotesquely offensive lyrics.

One may speculate that the reason for this is the decline of the Christian worldview which promoted love leading to marriage. That worldview has been slowly eroded and in some cases eliminated depending on who you are talking to.

A final point in this little literary byway about feelings is that feelings and emotions differ between child and adult. The child is concerned, if not twisted and obsessed with, his own feelings and being loved or better put being the recipient of love from his parents, teachers and other adults that he or she looks up to. Adult feelings are different. Compassion, kindness, and charity are adult emotions and feelings. They

concern themselves not with the feelings of our persons in our self but concern consideration and humanity as respects others. Only a mature adult can realize and express these feelings. What then can we say of feelings? What with cell phones, emails, computers DVDs, television, and movies feelings and relationships are distant and removed and so love is distant and removed. This is another reason why feelings are on the decline in our present society. We are more and more separated by technology and electronics and the opportunity to form giving, concerned, compassionate humanitarian relationships is becoming and has become more and more difficult if not unreachable.

One may hope that human relationships will make a comeback from the forces of darkness that assault us men and women A world without feelings between persons is a gray, boring world and is unforgiving and without growth and dynamism. One may hope that there will be a return to the romantic humanitarian ideal, which is the only way to true growth.

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