Oliver JR Cooper's Collections
A Few days ago I came across a post that had been shared on a social media site that went into how ‘the world is increasingly designed to depress us’. This was something that had been written in a book and the page that this had been written on had been shared.
It went on to say that ‘happiness isn’t very good for the economy’ and that, ‘if we were happy with what we had, why would we need more?’ There are a number of other examples that are used, but they all centre around the same point: that the world is set up to make us feel bad.
The Last Point
On the last part of the page it says, ‘To be calm become a kind of revolutionary act. To be happy with your non-upgraded existence. To be comfortable with our messy, human selves, would not be good for business.’
Now, on one level, it could be said that what has been said is right – the world doesn’t seem to be structured in a way that encourages people to be happy with who they are and what they have. There is always something else that they need to have and another reason why they can’t be happy.
Based on this, it is not going to be a surprise if someone is not happy and has the need to have more. There is a reason, and the reason is that people ‘out there’ are working overtime to keep them in miserable sate.
One way of looking at it would be to say that one will be a victim and the people that are doing this are the perpetrators. To put an end up this dynamic, then, will require ‘the revolutionary act’ of one being comfortable with themselves.
On another level, it could be said that although there are indeed forces out there that are ‘designed’ to do this, it doesn’t mean that we are merely passive victims. Ultimately, the only way that these forces can influence us is if we give them permission to do so.
Thanks to the glorification of victimhood in today’s culture, it can be very easy for someone to buy into anything that paints them as a victim. When this takes place, they will give their power away to someone or something outside of themselves.
Feeling like a victim can allow one to feel angry and even self-righteous, and both of these things can allow them to feel good, but what this won’t do is allow them to take control of their life. The only way that this will happen is if one takes a look at what part they might (the word ‘might’ is used instead of ‘are’ as this can prevent their ego from dismissing what has been said) be playing in how they experience life.
What is pretty certain is that they will need to be more discerning when it comes to what they focus on and how they spend their time. So in the same way that they are unlikely to just put anything into their mouth, they will need to be careful when it comes to what they put in front of their eyes and the company that they keep, amongst other things.
For example, if one watches a lot of TV and this is having a negative effect on their wellbeing, they can cut down or stop watching it altogether. A big part of this will be for one to live life that is deeply meaningful, as this can prevent them from getting caught up in the distractions and the dramas of the world.
If one doesn’t take matters into their own hands and they wait until the world is perfect (whatever that means), thereby putting their life on hold in the process, they will be wasting the life that they have been given. One reason why one would waste their life is because they don’t value themselves.
It will then be essential for them to work through what is preventing them from being able to embrace their inherent value. This won’t necessarily be easy but it will be worth it in the long run.
While each person could go their own way after their relationship has come to an end; there is also the chance that this won’t happen. As a result of this, it could only be matter of days or even weeks before they are back together.
Round in Circles
In fact, this could be something that will take place more than once, and it could then be said that this shows that their relationship is not very stable. Therefore, even when they do get back together, this is not going to be an experience that will last for very long.
One of their friends could believe that this shows that they are not meant to be together. Another friend could say that the reason they keep getting back together again is because they are supposed to be together.
If this was to take place, it could show that they have a romanticised view of what is taking place, and that it is not possible for them to see that something isn’t right. When someone doesn’t have this outlook, it can show that they are more in touch with reality of the situation.
At the same time, the person who believes that this shows that they are meant to be together could be right and the person who doesn’t could be wrong. Still, as times passes, it will gradually become clear as to who has the right outlook.
And as a result of what is taking place, it could be normal for these people to talk to their friends about what is going on. They might just want them to listen, or they might ask for their advice.
If they were to ask them what they should do, this could end up going in one ear and out of the other. Yet, this can all depend on what they say, and if they are together or have broken up again.
Each Persons Experience
However, although two people are involved here, it doesn’t mean that both of them will behave in the same way. Instead, one person is likely to have a greater desire than the other to get back together.
Therefore, the person who wanted them to get back together at one point in time might not the person who does at another. So as long as the person who is being asked has the desire to return to how things were, this dynamic can continue to play out.
If the relationship was to end and the one of them was no longer interested in going back to how things were, it won’t matter what they do. This will be the end, and one will need to gradually move on with their life.
Even so, when one has just broken up with someone, they may find that they are not interested in moving on with their life. It might be hard for them to imagine how their life can go on without them.
The First Time
And even if one has only broken up with someone once, they could still be in a lot of pain. The next step might be for them to see if they can rekindle their relationship, and there is always the chance that they will succeed.
What can define if this will take place is why the relationship ended in the first place, as if it was over something minor it can be a lot easier for this to occur. If their ex no longer wants to be with them and they are ready to move on, that could be it.
One could then get in touch with them and ask them if they would like to get together, and there will be no reason for their ex to lead them on. If they were to meet them, it might only be to tell them that it is over.
It will be hard for them to hear this, but at least it will give them the opportunity to move on. If they were to still believe that their ex will get back with them, it is not going to be due to what their ex has told them.
Out of their need to avoid how they feel, they could end up believing that their ex will change their mind. It is then going to be important for them to be patient and, before long, their circumstances will change.
In the short-term this will allow them to feel better, but sooner or later they will have to let go of what is going on in their mind and to face reality. Nevertheless, it might be too much for them to handle at this point in time.
What could also stop one from facing up to the fact that their relationship is over is if their ex was to string them along. Instead of telling them that it’s over, they continue to talk to them, and not in a way that shows that it’s over
For example, at times, they could reply to their messages and even speak to them on the phone, and at other times, they could just go silent on them. One is then going to find it hard to work out where they stand with them.
Based on how they behave, one can come to believe that there is still the chance that they will get back together. What this is likely to show is that their ex is experiencing inner conflict, and this is why they are displaying this hot and cold behaviour.
If one was able to step back from what is taking place, they might soon realise what is taking place. The trouble is that they are likely to be caught up in how they feel, and this can stop them from being able to see what is happening.
This is why it can be important for one to talk to a friend about what is taking place, as they are not going to be emotionally caught up and this will make it easier for them to assess what is taking place. The assistance of a therapist might also be necessary during this time.
If one was single and they were to meet someone who showed a lot of interest in them, they could find that they end up being drawn to them. And what might also play a part here is that one may be physically attracted to them.
Through being in this person’s presence, one could start to experience a lot of positive feelings. In a way, it could be as if this person is a breath of fresh air; with them being someone who has come into their life to make it better.
A Fast Build Up
After the first encounter, it might not be long until the other person is acting in a ways or talking about things that wouldn’t usually take place or be mentioned for quite some time. It will be clear that the other person doesn’t want to take their time and to allow everything to develop organically.
It will be like starting in first gear and going straight into the last gear; instead of starting in first and gradually moving through each gear. At this point, one could have put their thinking brain to one side and be completely caught up in what is going on.
So after one has had their first encounter with this person, their phone could constantly go off. This can be a time when this person will message and call them, telling them how much they like them, how special they are and the type of things that they want to do with them, for instance.
This person could also say that they should move in together and go into what their future will be like. Additionally, one may find that this person sends them gifts while they are at work and they could come across love notes and letters from them.
The Next Stage
After they have seen each other a few times or only known each other for a matter of weeks, the other person could ask them if they are now in a relationship. They could even go one step further than this by talking about how much they love them.
And if they do end up moving in together after such a short period of time, one could spend even less time with others. In fact, ones whole life could end up revolving around their partner - someone they have only just met.
On Top Of the World
At this point one could feel as though they are on cloud nine, with them basking in positive feelings and the loving behaviour of their partner. Nonetheless, it might not be long until their partner starts to change.
Now that this person has pulled one in, they could end up trying to control how they live their life. If one doesn’t do what they want, they might find that their partner leaves or that it is not possible to get hold of them.
Hot and Cold
This person will have done everything that they could to warm them up in the beginning and, how that they have them in the palm of their hands, so to speak, they will take advantage of them. Due to their fear of losing their partner and being rejected and/or abandoned, one can have the need to do whatever their partner wants them to do.
If this means no longer seeing their friends and family, putting their interests to one side and/or neglecting their own health, for instance, they will do it to try to regain their ‘love’. Ultimately, one will have become hooked on their partner’s attention or the dopamine that they trigger inside them, which is why they won’t feel good when their attention is no longer there.
Drawing the Line
One could then do what their partner wants and before long, they could pull away again. They might turn up in a few days or it could be a number of months before they reappear.
Clearly, having this person in their life is not doing them any good, and the sooner they cut their ties with them the better. There are a number of things that they can do to gradually get back on their feet and to regain their energy.
A Few Steps
Firstly, it will be a good idea for one to no longer speak to this person in person, over a screen, or over the phone. If this person won’t accept this, one may need to get in touch with the police.
Secondly, it will be good for them to get back in touch with family and friends, so that they can go over what took place and gain their support. Thirdly, taking time to do what they enjoy will make it easier for them to take their mind of this person, and, fourthly, they may need to reach out for the assistance of a therapist or a healer, for instance.
It could be said that just about anyone could be love bombed, yet there are going to be things that will make one more susceptible to this type of behaviour. And if one has gone through this experience on more than one occasion, it is likely to show they need to take a deeper look into why this keeps taking place.
However, this is not about one blaming or shaming themselves for what has taken place; it is simply about them taking a step back and looking into what they might need to do to prevent this from taking place again. This is about awareness as if one can see that there is a reason why this keeps taking place; they can do something about it.
A Closer Look
If they were to do this, what might become clear is that they don’t feel good about themselves. Therefore, as soon as someone comes along and gives them so much positive feedback, they drink it all up.
Said another way, they are in a position where they desperately want someone to love them. Consciously or unconsciously, a love bomber realises this and ends up exploiting their weakness.
An Easy Target
If one did value themselves, they wouldn’t need as much from another person, and this would enable them to be more discerning when it comes to who they allow into their life. And as opposed to feeling good when another person comes on strong right at the start, they might end up feeling as though something isn’t right.
They might realise that as this person knows very little about them, it probably shows that they are trying to manipulate them. The love that they have for themselves will also allow them to have strong boundaries.
Furthermore, through valuing who they are, they would most likely have a number of close friends who they can share their life with. These people would then be there to give them feedback and to support them.
Another part of this is that one would also do things that they enjoy and this would strengthen them and fill their life with meaning. They would value themselves enough not to neglect themselves.
If one was to find that they don’t value themselves, it could show that their early years were not very nurturing. This may have been a time in their life when they were abused and/or neglected.
Thanks to how they were treated, they would have come to believe that they were worthless and they may carry the pain of being rejected and abandoned. Being treated badly is then going to be something that feels comfortable at a deeper level.
If one can relate to this, and they want to embrace their inherent value, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
There will be the negative beliefs that they need to question and replace, and there will be the emotional wounds that they need to heal. The main thing is that one does what they need to do and doesn’t give up on themselves.
When someone gets into self-development, it could be because they have mental and emotional challenges. As a result of this, they can look for a way to change how they experience life.
One thing that they can end up being told is that their thoughts create their feelings, which can give them the need to control their thoughts. Once they have learnt how to master their mind, then, their mental and emotional health should improve.
On The Surface
This is going to mean that all of their attention is going to be aimed at what is taking place in their head; what is going on in their body will be overlooked. Even so, this doesn’t mean this will cross one’s mind.
Due to what they have learnt, they could believe that it is all about their mind. Therefore, even if they were to think about how their body may be having an effect, it could soon leave their mind.
If their mental and emotional health does improve by changing what is up going on up top, there will be no reason for them to change their approach. They will have found what they need, thereby allowing them to carry on with the rest of their life.
However, even if this approach doesn’t work, it doesn’t mean that they will look deeper into what is going on. Now, this can come down to the fact that they are not aware that they can go deeper than this.
Nonetheless, if they are curious and continue to look for answers, it might only be a matter of time before they do look deeper into what is going on. Then again, this could come down to the fact that they are not ready to go deeper.
What this could illustrate is that one is carrying a lot of emotional pain in their body; with this being pain that they are not ready to face. Focusing on what is taking place up top is then going to be the best thing for them to do at this stage of their personal evolution.
Over the years, their mind will have most likely built up many defences as a way to keep this pan at bay. Although this will have caused them to lose touch with a big part of themselves, it would have also protected them.
Perhaps there was a time when one experienced something traumatic or maybe a certain stage of their life was very traumatic. Consciously, one may even have forgotten about what took place, but their body will still remember.
When the time is right, one may end up working through the pain that is being held in their body. One thing that could bring this pain up to the surface is if they were to work with a therapist who they felt safe with.
Through feeling safe in the presence of someone like this, what has been hidden inside them could start to enter their conscious mind. Another thing that could trigger this pain is the loss of a loved one or a breakup, for instance.
If this was to happen, it would probably be a good idea for them to reach out for external assistance. They might not feel ready to handle the pain that has come up, yet that doesn’t mean that the time won’t be right for them to face it or that they are not strong enough.
If one has just gone through a break up, they may find that it is hard for them to focus on other areas of their life. Due to how much pain they are in, everything else could fade into the background.
Perhaps they were with someone for a long time and they may have even had a strong connection with them. Therefore, now that the relationship has come to an end, it is going to be normal for them to be in pain.
What they are going through can be very similar to what they would go through if another person had passed on. Their ex won’t have passed on but what they had to together will no longer exist.
This shows that it doesn’t matter if another person has passed on or if they have just gone from one’s life; it is still going to be experienced as a loss. In both cases, their life will never be the same again.
A Gradual Process
However, providing that one allows themselves to grieve and to work through how they feel, they should be able to rise up once again. As the weeks and months go by, they may find that they start to feel better.
What had faded into the background at the beginning can then end up coming back into their life. Thus, the things that they lost interest in can soon be things that they enjoy doing again.
Another thing that will be important will be for them to make sure that they have the right people around them during this time. This will be people that show them support and encouragement.
Along with this, doing things with these people that will give them a break from what is taking place. If one was their own island, they would be able to rise up again with the support of anyone else.
A Distant Memory
There can soon come a time when they will look back on what took place and it will be as though they are just remembering something that they saw on TV. There will then be emotions that arise within them, but these emotions won’t wipe them out.
When they get to this point, they may see that while this point in their life was tough, it allowed them to grow. There may be a number of different things that they learnt, and they may have even ended up meeting someone who is a better match.
One way of looking at the scenario above would be to say that this is what someone would hope would happen if they were to go through a break up. They might not want to experience pain when a relationships ends, yet they would definitely want to be able to carry on with their life as time passes.
Nonetheless, this is not going to be what happens to everyone. For some people, a break up can result in them experiencing a hell of a lot of pain and this pain might not subside over time.
Unlike the person above, someone like this can experience a deep sense of loss but this might not be as far as it will go. In addition to feeling sad and even hopeless, they could end up feeling suicidal.
Their inner world is going to be in complete disarray, and it could feel as though their whole world has come to an end. Their reason for being alive will have gone, taking away their reason for getting out of bed.
Down, Right Down
From the outside one will look like a whole human being, yet on the inside, they will feel anything but whole. Like a small boat on the ocean, there will be nothing to stabilise their thoughts and feelings.
Before they were in the relationship they may have generally been fine, making it hard for them to understand why they are in such a mess. That is, of course, if they are able to even think clearly at this stage of their life.
What this may show is that they didn’t receive the kind of care that they needed as a child in order to develop a strong core/sense of self. Instead, this would have been a time when they were neglected.
So, now that the attachment that they formed has come to an end, it will have brought up all of the pain that they experienced during this stage of their life. And as it is painful for them to experience this pain now, it will give them an understanding of how painful it must have been for them as a child.
Another way of looking at what happened would be to say that one will be like a house that has been built on sound. If they had received the right care, they would be a house that has strong foundations.
Through having strong foundations, the emotional strength inside them would make it easier for them to handle what took place. This is why childhood neglect does so much damage as the strong foundations that one needs to be able to handle life as an adult don’t form; one just ends up with layers and layers of trauma and even brain damage.
If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
Working with someone like this can allow them to go where they wouldn’t go by themselves. The presence that is provided by someone like this will make it easier for them to face how they feel and to work though their pain.
It is clear to see that in the world we live in, what is often classed as love is anything but love and could be classed as dysfunctional and in some cases abusive.
So this is going to be my perspectives on some of the things that are not love. We come to understand what something is, by understanding firstly what it is not. This is what is known as negation.
So, let’s begin to look through each of the descriptions and behaviours that are often classed or said to be love in today’s world.
These are: Control and Need/Dependency.
The act of control in a relationship is common today. This varies in degree and in how destructive it is. It is the type of behaviour that is often oblivious to the public eye and goes on covertly.
With the perpetrator often displaying the facade or demeanour, which is the antithesis of such behaviour.
This could range from: controlling what the other person does; who they see and also what they wear. As time goes on this behaviour will usually increase and the partner will become more controlling as time goes by. With each moment that passes the victims resilience is gradually warn down, until they start to become dependent on the other person.
The perpetrator of this behaviour usually classes these actions as love and a sign of their care for the other person. They might also deny or dismiss their actions. Which not only causes anger and frustration, it can also cause the victim to invalidate their own feelings and emotions and start to believe that there is actually something wrong with them.
There is also the chance that the victim will resist the controlling behaviour and end the relationship. This will depend upon the self image of the individual and whether the level of abuse there are receiving is what they unconsciously believe they deserve or not.
There is a saying that goes something like this ‘we will only put up with what we feel we deserve’ and that if it’s any worse we will either reject it or regress to that level.
Need or Dependency
This type of relationship could be classed as the outlook that one can’t survive without the other person. And that they need them to feel like a whole human being.
Whether it is with someone who is truly right for them or whether it is just someone who fills their need to be needed is often unimportant.
This person will rarely be alone for very long, with their need to escape their own feelings of aloneness, attracting into their life someone to fill the emptiness that they feel.
As they are dependent on another for there wellbeing, they can end up enslaving themselves to the other person. Constantly negating there own true needs for the hope of getting the approval of the other person.
Their childhood wounds are being acted out, with the hope of getting these needs finally met. If the person that they have attracted is the same as the parental figure and is not conscious or willing to be conscious, the same patterns and dramas will be played out without any healing or growth taking place
This could be classed as our inner child’s needs that get confused with present day wants. This is because not only are these needs so powerful, they are also insatiable, and without the awareness of them, they have the power to control our life. Being able to acknowledge them in the present is vital for our own evolution.
What I have described above is the victim’s perspective, with the perpetrator or the individual being perceived as the opposite of needy or dependent. However this is often far from the truth, when in reality the perpetrators neediness/dependency just takes on another form and this enables them to appear the complete opposite.
Each of these examples displays somewhat individual behaviours; however it is clear to see that to some extent they all interrelate.
The typical perspective is that on one side there is victim and the other side there is a perpetrator. When it comes to simply observing what is going on, there is no denying this fact. However, as one becomes more aware, it starts to become clear that what is going on here is far greater in depth than meets the eye. And that there is actually a symbiotic relationship taking place.
Having awareness gives one the ability to shine the light on life, to see what is working and what is not. In the absence of awareness positive change is unlikely, with the result likely being anger, frustration and then hopelessness.
Having an understanding of what creates the relationships we have, will reveal to us that we are not bound by our past and that it is possible to have relationships that honour who we are.
I believe dysfunctional love or relationships occur when we are not relating as adults. And end up relating or reacting as wounded children; from past memories and experiences.
What I mean by this is that it is highly unlikely that we had the perfect childhood, where we had all of our needs met or that we were treated in a loving way all the time. This of course varies from person to person as to how sever this was. However, this creates an inner conflict/inner split or should I say an inner child that longs to be heard and healed.
Unconscious And Conscious Love
The unconscious meaning we have of love is likely to be completely different to the conscious meaning we have.
At an unconscious level we associate love to be how we were treated as a child and how our parents or the people around us as children, treated each other.
This is why we can look for one thing and attract something completely different.
This is where the inner child comes into the equation. The inner child longs for love and to be finally embraced. What adds to the complexity is that the inner child has a sense of safety around how things were. This creates the dichotomy of on one side: wanting to be loved and heard and on the other resisting all change.
Our inner child is understandably fearful and vulnerable; this is why awareness is so important.
As our awareness of ourselves improves we will begin to rise above our history and realise that our present moment is only a reflection of the past through our identification with the past.
The mind identifies with the past, and as the past is familiar is interprets it as what is safe. This is why it can be so hard to let go of what doesn’t work and begin to honour who we are and what is true for us.
It can be so easy to get caught up in the past, fighting and resisting any change. And our mind will hold on until the end if we try to go against it. This is a battle that cannot be won. It can only be achieved by rising above the mind and becoming the observer, which in turn begins to silence the mind.
Whether one believes in the inner child or whether one just sees it as conditioning that is cause of the conflict in their relationships and present day life, is not important.
What is important is that we attract relationships into our life that empower us. How we go about achieving that is down to individual preference.
Whenever someone spends time on social media, they could end up looking through what their friends have been doing. Furthermore, they could look into what certain celebrities have been doing.
When this takes place, there could be times when they end up feeling happy and times when they end up feeling sad. There could also be a number of other emotional states that they go into when they look over what other people have been doing.
Now, if one of their friends was to share a happy picture of themselves or some good news, it could result in them also feeling good. If the opposite took place, one could end up feeling bad.
What this could illustrate is that this is someone who they are really close to. Then again, one could just be someone who has a lot of empathy, which is why they have the tendency to experience strong emotions when go online.
Another reason why one could experience a strong reaction when they see what another person has been doing is because they have made a comparison. If one believes that their life is better than one of their friends, they could feel good; but if they don’t, they could feel bad.
They might not simply compare their life with other people’s lives, though; they could also compare their appearance with them too. If this was to take place, it is likely to show that one looks to what is going on ‘out there’ to gauge how well they are doing in life.
A Losing Battle
The trouble with this approach is that one didn’t start from the same point as anyone else, and they are on their own path in life. Taking this into account, it would be far healthier for them to compare themselves with where they started.
By looking back on their own timeline and seeing where they started from, they will be able to accurately assess how well they are doing. When one compares their life with someone else’s life, it will be similar to a dog comparing their life with a horse.
A Waste of Time
What will have most likely played a part in why one would compare their life with someone else’s life is the conditioning that they have received throughout their life. Their time in the school system, for instance, will have most likely played a big part.
This would have probably been a time when they were just seen as another child who needed to be educated, as opposed to a child that already had knowledge within them. But if they were taught by people that had also gone though the same programming, this is to be expected.
At the same time, even if one did start off at the same starting point as everyone else and was also on the same path, it still doesn’t mean that it would be a good idea for them to compare their life with others online. The reason for this is that what they see online might have very little basis in reality.
One can then believe that one of their friends is doing really well, yet it doesn’t mean that this is actually the case. In the same way that someone can edit their pictures to make themselves look perfect; they can also edit their life to create the impression that everything is perfect.
Just as a house can look great on the outside but be in complete mess on the inside, someone life’s can also be the same. It is not as though it is hard for someone to make out that their life is perfect online.
To create this impression, the only thing that they need to do is to upload pictures where they are on holiday and are smiling. The areas of their life that are not going well can be kept offline.
No Better Off
One can then compare their life with someone else’s life, believing that this person’s life is better than theirs, and the other person could be in a very bad place. This person could even be looking at what one has been doing and wish that their life was like theirs.
But even though this person’s life is not going well, they might be too ashamed to open up to anyone about it. Their need to maintain the image that they have created is going to be more important than their own happiness.
A Big Trap
What this shows is that not only can one suffer if they get too caught up in what they see online; they can also suffer if they use social media to try to make out that their life is perfect. One way for one to stop themselves from getting too sucked into what they see, is for them to think about what they are not seeing.
Ultimately, no matter how good someone’s life is, there are bound to be things that they are not happy with. Everyone on this planet has stuff to deal with, and even if someone is rich, famous and talented, it doesn’t mean that they don’t have problems.
If one finds that they are not happy with the direction that their life is going, it will be a good idea for them to look into what they can do to get back on track. The time and energy that goes into comparing their life with others can be directed towards their own growth.
They owe it to themselves to live a life that is fulfilling, so fulfilling that they no longer need to compare their life with the edited lives that they see online. There is plenty of information online when it comes to what they can do to transform their life.
If someone was asked to talk about what takes place when a child is abused, they could say that they will be physically harmed or verbally put down. Alternatively, they could say that they will be neglected.
Then again, one could mention all of these things, meaning that it won’t just relate to one type of abuse. Clearly, irrespective of whether a child is hit or abandoned, for instance, it is not going to do them any good.
An All out Attack
What is also clear is that a child is likely to suffer even more if they experience more than one type of abuse. Their being will be violated in multiple ways and there won’t be anyone for them to turn to.
Ergo, a time in their life when they desperately need others, will be a time in their life when they are all alone. These experiences are going to stop them from being able to grow and develop in the right way.
In fact, this will be the last thing on their mind; what will be the most important thing at this stage of their life will be to merely survive. This is then going to be a child, not a soldier on the battle field, but they will be under attack by the people who are supposed to protect them.
What will most likely make it easier for them to handle this stage of their life will be the different defences that their body and mind utilise. Due to how small they are, they won’t be able to fight, but what they will be able to do is to freeze and they might be able to hide, for instance.
In addition to these two options, they will be able to leave their body and to go into their head. What this will do is stop them from having to be overwhelmed with pain, thereby making it easier for them to handle what is going on.
So as they are unable to remove themselves from their environment that is dysfunctional, they will remove themselves from the part of themselves that causes them to experience pain. Another thing that they can do is to dissociate from themselves, with this being a way for them to avoid what is going on in their body and mind.
One will then be there, but it will be as though they are simply observing what is happening to them. In a way, it will be as if they are watching someone else go through what they themselves are going though.
If it wasn’t for these defences, they wouldn’t be able to survive this incredibly traumatic stage of their life. Hoverer, even though these defences may well allow them to survive this stage of their life, their life is not going to magically transform once they are an adult.
The Hell Continues
As a result of what they went through during these years, they might not be able to function as an adult. They could end up with all kinds of mental, emotional and physical problems that make it impossible for them to lead a ‘normal’ life.
But, as their early years were a time when they were severely harmed, how else are they going to be? Maybe they will be able to reach out for assistance and to start to heal the damage that was done, or maybe they will lead a miserable existence or even end up taking their own life.
A Different Experience
This is not the only type of abuse that a child can experience during their early years, though. There can be another type of abuse that they can experience and this can be far more subtle.
The child is then not going to be physically or verbally harmed, and they won’t be neglected either. This child can have caregivers who are very active in their life, taking them to all kinds of activities and lessons.
Throughout this time in their life, the child can basically be told by these people that they are perfect in every way. This can cause them to develop a superiority complex, seeing themselves as more-than human.
Their caregivers are unlikely to see their child as a separate individual; what they will do is see them as an extension of themselves. This is likely to show that the child is being brought up by people that also have a superiority complex.
Once this child grows into an adult, they can be very confident but they will probably have the tendency to blame others whenever anything goes wrong. In other words, self-awareness might not be their strong point.
Thanks to how they were brought up, they can believe that they are above making mistakes or being the reason why something didn’t work out, for instance. This is likely to mean that it will be a challenge for them to have fulfilling relationships.
Underneath the image that they present to the world is likely to be someone who feels worthless. The reason for this is that their caregivers wouldn’t have been interested in who they were as a child; they would have only been interested in using them to fulfilling their unmet needs - living their life through them.
And the reason why they needed them to be perfect is most likely because they also felt deeply flawed at a deeper level. Thus, if their child was to do anything that proved that they were not perfect, it might have triggered their own wounds around feeling worthless.
One way of looking at this would be to say that this is what takes place when a child is brought up in a narcissistic family. The child would have received attention, yet this attention wouldn’t have been for who they actually were.
So as this type of abuse if more subtle, it can take a while for someone to realise that their early years were dysfunctional. For someone like this to reach out for support, they might need to truly hit rock bottom.
They could spend years with the view that it isn’t them who need to change, it is everyone else. If they do get to the point where they are ready to look in the mirror, they may need to reach out for the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
Quite some time ago I came across a post on social media where someone was basically lamenting the fact that although they were there for their friends during tough times, their friends were not there for them when they were going through a tough time. From what they said, it would be easy to see them as a victim.
This person is then going to be caring and supportive, yet the people in their life are the complete opposite. After reading this post, it would be easy to feel sorry for this person and to want to offer them a few supportive words.
However, while it would be easy to feel sorry for this person and even to see them as a victim, it could be said that there is a lot more to it than this. For one thing, one doesn’t have to stay friends with these people.
Therefore, if they are only taking from them, they can cut their ties with these people. What this clearly shows is that one is not powerless; they can do something about what is taking place.
An Important Question
As they haven’t done this, it will be a good idea for them to reflect on why they haven’t moved on from these people. One way of looking at this would be to say that even though they are angry about this, another part of them feels comfortable with what is taking place.
Consciously, one is not going to be getting anything from this, but unconsciously, it can be a very different story. So, the reason why they don’t realise this is probably because they are not aware of this other part of them.
A Closer Look
If they were to go beyond what is going in their conscious mind and to go deeper within themselves, what they may find is that they feel worthless. Thus, even though one part of them will get angry at how these people treat them, another part of them will believe that they deserve to be treated in this way.
This will be the reason why they tolerate this behaviour, as opposed to drawing the line and finding people that are willing to be there for them. It might be hard for them to accept this, but at least they will be able to see that they are not a victim.
Ultimately, this is just one of the many ways that someone can victimise themselves. What this emphasises is how vital it is for someone to develop self-awareness as this will stop them from having a victim mentality.
Along with this, having an internal locust of control will also help as this will stop them from getting caught up in what takes place externally. This doesn’t mean that this will allow them to have complete control over their life; what it means is that they will see that they do have an effect on their life.
Earlier on I was waiting in line for something and the person in front of me asked the cashier a question. They didn’t receive an answer, though, and this made them turn to me and say that they were being ignored.
A few seconds later, this person asked the cashier the same question and once again, they didn’t get a response. And just like before, they looked at me and said that they were being ignored.
Black and white
As far as this person was concerned, the cashier didn’t want to talk to them. Due to this, it was perfectly acceptable for them to get worked up and to raise their voice when they asked the question a second time.
However, while this was as clear as day to them, I thought that there was a lot more to it. Firstly, the cashier wasn’t even that close to them, and secondly, there were people in front of them.
Perception is reality
Therefore, it would be more accurate to say that the reason why the cashier didn’t reply was because they couldn’t actually hear them. How this person responded had little to do with what was taking place externally and a lot to do with what was taking place inside them.
One way of looking at this would be to say that part of them already felt ignored, with this part of them being brought up to the surface when they didn’t get the response that they wanted. But, as they were unable to realise this, they saw themselves as a victim and the cashier as the perpetrator.
The trouble is that when someone is not aware of what is going on, they can end up playing out this same scenario over and over again. Each time they will blame another person for what is already taking place inside them.
Their conscious mind can reject the idea that they already felt ignored, but their unconscious mind can feel comfortable with feeling ignored. To the deeper part of them, having this experience can be what is familiar and therefore what feels safe.
A Closer Look
During their early years, their caregiver/s may have had the tendency to ignore them. This probably would have caused them to feel angry, worthless and powerless, for instance, and it would have played a part in how they expected to be treated.
Being treated in this way would have been painful, yet they wouldn’t have been able to do anything about it. At this stage of their life they would have resisted what took place, but as time passed, they would have come to unconsciously crave the same emotional experience.
If the person above did have an unconscious attachment to feeling ignored and they were to heal this wound, it would be easier for them to stay present in moments like this. When it comes to healing inner wounds, the assistance of a therapist or a healer may be needed.
If someone is given a gift, it might be hard for them to accept what has been given to them. Instead of feeling happy about what they have received, they could end up feeling guilty.
Consequently, they may tell the other person that they can’t accept what has been given to them and offer it back to them. The other person could dismiss what they say and tell them that they want them to have it.
Time to Change
This might not be the first time that one has behaved in this way, and this may cause the other person to tell them that they need to learn how to receive. Upon hearing this, one might just even up feeling even worse.
What could be on their mind is returning what they have received, so that they can feel better. No matter what they are given, it won’t be worth the emotional cost that they have to pay.
Out of Balance
One can then have the tendency to give other people things but they will do what they can to avoid receiving things from others. Yet, due to giving so much and being unable to receive, they may spend a lot of time running on empty.
Said another way, they are going to be filling other peoples cup but they won’t allow other people to fill their cup. It is then going to be normal for them to suffer unnecessarily.
An Irrational Response
If another person gives them something, there is going to be no reason for them to feel guilty. Accepting what they are given probably won’t deprive another person of anything; if anything, it will fill them with happiness
One is then going to need to look into why they experience guilt after they have been given something. If they were to do this, what they may find is that there was a time in their life when they were frequently made to feel guilty after they were given something.
If this was during their early years, it may show that their caregiver/s were manipulative. So instead of giving them something and being visibly happy about it, they may have told them about how hard they had to work for it or that they had to go without to give it to them.
Having something would then have meant that they deprived their caregiver/s and even other family members from having something. With all this weight attached to what they received, it is not going to be a surprise that it is hard for them to receive as an adult.
Through being treated in this way, there would have been the guilt and there may have even been shame. If they did experience shame, it would have come down to the fact that they would have felt as though they were inherently bad for accepting something.
To be able to receive, they may need to question the beliefs that they formed during this stage of their life and they may have emotional work to do. This is a process that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
Over the years I have heard a number of people say that the only reason someone would be depressed is because their life lacks meaning. I even heard a yoga teacher come out with the same view.
But before I go into what my thoughts are on this, I will go along with what these people believed. It could be said that there is no denying the fact that, if someone’s life lacks meaning, they can experience a number of symptoms that are associated with being depressed.
Nothing to Live For
Through having no reason to live, they can find it hard to get out of bed, have no interest in life or pleasure and feel very low. Therefore, if they were to gain a sense of meaning, there is the chance that most of these symptoms would slowly disappear.
In this case, they didn’t need to take anything or to have years of therapy – they simply found a reason for being on this earth. Their reason for being here is likely to involve serving others in some shape or form, which will enable them to feel connected to something greater than themselves.
A New Outlook
Through having something to focus on, it will stop them from getting caught up in the trivialities of life and it will stop their mind from creating problems. Ergo, what annoyed them before might not even enter their mind and their mind will have a bone to play with, so to speak.
One is then going to on the same planet as they were before, but it could seem as though they have woken up somewhere else. And thanks to how their energy has shifted, other people may respond differently to them.
It’s not black and white
However, while part of me thought that there is some truth to what these people came out with, another part of me couldn’t completely accept it. What came to my mind were the athletes who had a purposeful existence but who suffered from depression.
Or is there a chance that these athletes are just making it up and actually lead lives that lack meaning, with this being the reason why they are depressed? To say that someone would only be depressed because their life lacks meaning is no different to saying that someone is only overweight because they eat too much – it has no basis in reality.
A Number of Reasons
If someone comes out with someone like this it could show that this was the case for them or perhaps they have just read it in a book. There are, of course, all kinds of reasons as to why someone would suffer from depression.
Someone like this may have experienced trauma as a child, and this would have had a negative effect on the brain in their head and their stomach. Then again, they may have recently lost a loved one or experienced a break up.
If someone is in a bad way, it will be vital for them to receive the right support. To tell someone why they are depressed without even taking a closer look at their life or their history, for instance, is not going to allow them to feel understood and it might not solve anything.
Whilst I was reading a book about psychic protection, someone basically turned their nose up when they saw the cover. It was clear that this person believed that what I wasn’t reading anything worthwhile.
I didn’t think much of what they said and carried on reading the book. After a while, something took place that was bound to make this person question their view on this topic, if only for a few seconds.
A Moment Later
This person ended up being approached by someone and this caused them to pull back. They told me that there was something weird about the other person, which was why they responded in this way.
I thought that it was strange that this took place just after they had dismissed what I was reading. Shortly after they had finished talking, I commented jokingly that this must show that they need psychic protection.
An Important Barrier
This person laughed when I said this and that was the end of it. What this experience exemplified for me is that someone doesn’t need to be hit or put down to by another person in order to be negatively impacted by them.
One can be affected by other people’s thoughts and their feelings. And, the more sensitive someone is, the more chance there is of them being affected by what is going on for another person.
A Common Term
When someone has the tendency to drain other people of their energy, they can be called an ‘energy vampire’. Nonetheless, someone doesn’t need to be a full time energy vampire to take energy from others.
Let’s say that someone is going through tough time due to losing a loved one, they can take a lot of energy from others. Being this way won’t be part of their nature, it will simply reflect where they are currently at.
A Key Point
One thing the book went into was how someone will be more likely to be drained by others if they have weak boundaries. This is because having good boundaries will not only allow someone to say no, they will also provide them with energetic protection.
If someone has bad boundaries as an adult, it can show that their boundaries were not respected during their early years. Through being walked over by their caregiver/s, it would have stopped this energetic boundary from forming.
The book I was reading was ‘Psychic Protection’ by Judy Hall. Even though I haven’t read much of the book, I would say that it is perfect for someone who wants to learn more about this subject.
If someone finds that their boundaries are weak, they may need to reach out for external support. By working with a therapist or a healer, for instance, they will be able to work through their inner wounds and this can allow them to gradually develop strong boundaries.
One thing that social media has given people is somewhere where they can share their thoughts on just about anything. For some people, this is somewhere where they can tear other people down.
Someone like this can pull another person down and they won’t need to worry about getting into trouble. What they say could be aimed at someone in the public eye or it could be aimed at another social media user.
A Few Reasons
One might not like what another person has said or they might not like what they have created. Either way, they will be happy to say things to this person that they might not say if they met them in the real world.
After they have said something online, they may find that they feel better about themselves. Sharing their thoughts online will then have been a way for them to release the energy that has build up within them.
A Short-Term Solution
Yet, even if this does give them a release, it might not be long until they need to have another release. It will be as if there is a continual build up of tension within them that will need to be released on a regular basis.
So what they are doing is not going to actually solve anything and it is also going to cause them to have a negative effect on others. Sure, some people might be able to brush of what they say, but there will be others that are unable to do so.
A Destructive Influence
After they have laid into another person, this person could end up going into a very dark place. Perhaps this person was already in a bad way and, after they were put down, it sent them even further over the edge.
One can then ask themselves if this is the kind of impact that they want to have whilst they are on this earth. They can think about how much of a difference they could make if they stopped behaving in this way and did what they could to lift other people up.
A Big Difference
Not only would this stop them from wasting their precious time, it would also allow them to be a force for good in the world. To make this shift, one may need to look into why they enjoy pulling other people down.
Maybe, it because they don’t feel comfortable in their own skin and need to do this to feel good about themselves. Maybe, they are not happy with their own life and spreading their own misery is the only way that they can keep their head above water, so to speak.
Ultimately, whether they realise it or not, they are always having an effect on others. If they are not in a good way, it can be easy for them to tear other people down and to overlook the impact that they are having.
If one can see that they are not in a good way, and they are willing to do something about this, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
A number of months ago, I heard someone say that they couldn’t live without their partner. Now, this wasn’t because this person was disabled and therefore, needed this person in order to be able to handle life.
No, this was someone who was perfectly capable of handling life by themselves. However, although this was the case, this person created the impression that they needed their partner.
A Deeper Look
Based on what they came out with, it could be said that their survival was attached to their partner. So even though they were a capable human being, a big part of them didn’t feel that way.
It then didn’t matter how healthy their physical body was or how developed their intellect was, as their emotional self was undermining them. This part of them cancelled out the other parts of them.
At an emotional level, there is a strong chance that they felt like a needy child; not a strong adult who could support themselves. Their physical age was then radically different to their emotional age.
Ultimately, they were not emotionally interdependent; they were emotionally dependent. As a result of this, they may have had the tendency to neglect their own needs and to do what they could to fulfil their partner’s needs.
Experiencing life in this is unlikely to have been very fulfilling for them, but it likely to have been something that just happened. Neglecting their own needs would have been seen as a being better than the alternative – being abandoned.
Even if they were not aware of this fear, it would still have had a lot of control over their life. To the emotional part of their being, being left would have been seen as something that would bring their life to an end.
Along with this, they may have believed that there was something inherently wrong with them. Consequently, this would have caused them to believe that their needs were not important, and it would have been seen as the reason why another person would leave them.
Hiding who they are and doing what they can to please their partner is going to be vital. The question is: why would someone not feel comfortable in their own skin and have a fear of being abandoned?
What this may show is that their formative years were a time when they didn’t receive the right care. Perhaps this was a time when they were neglected and abused, which would have stopped them from being able to develop in the right way.
Instead of going through the developmental stages, they would have stayed in a dependent state. Not only this, the shame that they experienced would have disconnected them from their inherent worth.
If someone can relate to this, and they want to emotionally grow up, they may need to reach out for external support. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
With external support, one can start to work through their inner wounds, and by doing this they can become a more integrated human being. This is likely to be something that takes patience and persistence.
It can be easy for someone to ignore the effect that their belongings are having on their life. Instead, they can spend a lot of time thinking about the effect that their beliefs and the people in their life are having on them.
Consequently, the stuff that they own can end up owning them, and they might not even realise it. As they have had this stuff in their life for a certain period of time, it will have faded into the background.
When it comes to what they own, some of this stuff can remind them of things that have taken place in the past. Now, some of these memories may be positive, while some of them might be negative.
If something reminds them of a positive time in their life, it could be said that it won’t be having a negative impact on their life. Yet, if something doesn’t, it is likely to be having a negative impact on their life.
Keeping Old Wounds Alive
It then won’t matter if something happened a few months ago or a few years ago, as it will be kept alive by something they own. Just seeing this item could result in them feeling down or angry.
Keeping this time in their life alive is going to undermine them. Having one of these items in their life is not going to be good and it will be far worse for their wellbeing if they have a number of them dotted around.
In addition to the impact that something has on someone when they see it, there can be the impact the item has on the energy of where they live. This item can have a certain frequency, and this frequency can feed into the frequency of their house/apartment.
The energy of their living environment is then not going to be as good as it could be. Nonetheless, if one spends a lot of time in their head and doesn’t have a strong connection to their body, it might be hard for them to get on board with this.
Their mind will have the need to see evidence for this in order to accept that it has any basis in reality. To this part of them, something will need to physically affect them to have an impact on them.
If, on the other hand, someone is aware of energy and the affect that it has on them, they won’t need to see any evidence. Due to the connection that they have with it, they will know that it does.
What this shows is that it is a good idea for someone to take the time to think about if something is serving them or if it is holding them back. It might be hard for them to let go of certain things, but it will for the best.
Through getting rid of what they don’t need, they may find that their inner as well as their outer world starts to change. Something simple will have made a big difference to their life.
When other people are unhappy, it can cause someone to feel a sense of concern and to be curious as to why they feel as they do. As a result of this, one can hope that this person begins to feel better and even see what they can do to help them.
This could apply to anyone one meets that appears unhappy, but in most cases, it is going to relate to the people that one knows and is close to. To be this way is part of being human and that means having empathy.
However, not every human as the ability to empathise and this can mean that they might even notice when another person is unhappy. So on one side can be people who are disconnected from other people’s emotions and have no idea how they are feeling, and on the other side, can be people who are not just interested in how others are feeling; they are completely focused on how they are feeling.
One might be described as being better than the other, and having no empathy is unlikely to be the one that is seen as better. And yet, to be totally focused on how other people are feeling is also going to create problems.
To feel concerned when another person is unhappy is one thing; it is another thing to feel responsible when they are unhappy and that it is ones purpose to make them happy. Of course, if one was responsible for what happened, then it is only normal that one offers their support.
But when one is not responsible for what happened and they feel that they are, one is going to become too focused on another person’s life. And if their attention is on others, it is inevitable that their own life is going to suffer.
Not only that, it also takes away the other persons responsibility for their own feelings. And this can cause them to always look to other people in order to be happy. Other people are then responsible and the ones who have the power over their feelings
So trying to make other people happy not only causes one to lose awareness when it comes to their own needs and wants, it also causes the other person to lose touch with the role they are playing.
This is going to mean that one has less energy for their own life and this could cause them to feel disempowered. And other people are not going to be able to realise the power they have to make themselves happy; so they can end up feeling disempowered.
Parent And The Child
If one was to ignore how old each person was here, they would soon see that it is similar to the relationship a parent has with a child. At such a young age, the parent is responsible for the child’s happiness. And as the child hasn’t emotionally separated and therefore developed their sense of personal power, this is to be expected.
So while someone can look like an adult, it doesn’t mean that they feel like one. One can feel like a child and need others to look after them in order to get their needs met, or one can feel like a child, and look after others as a way to get their needs met.
The Same Coin
Whether one feels responsible for other people’s happiness or feels that other people are responsible for their own, it is because they have not been able to emotionally grow up. And this causes them to still see the world through the eyes of a child; with their personal power not yet being realised.
Just because someone is an adult, it doesn’t mean that they actually had a childhood. And this means that instead of them receiving the nurturing they needed to become a healthy and functional adult, they might have ended up parenting their caregivers instead.
So they grow up and look like adults, but they still feel like children. While this should have been a time for their caregivers to focus on ones happiness and wellbeing, to take care or their needs and wants, it could have been the other way.
To survive during these years, and to receive the acceptance, love and approval that they desperately needed, they would have had to tune into their caregivers needs. One may not have been happy with this, but their caregivers were.
This sets one up to believe their survival is based on pleasing others, and making them happy would have been what mattered. The ideal would have been for them to be accepted, loved and approved of for who they were.
One is then conditioned from day one look externally, and to tune into the needs and wants of other people. This is not dysfunctional per se, but when it becomes one whole focus it is going to be.
Their own needs and wants could have ended up being oblivious to them and the reason they focus on other people is not only because this is what feel safe, it is also because they are out of touch with their own needs and wants.
It will be important for one to get back in touch with their needs and wants, and to realise that they are not responsible for other people’s happiness. Intellectually one may understand this, but emotionally it could be very different.
This may involve changing beliefs and releasing trapped emotions from one’s body. As this takes place, one will gradually begin to feel comfortable with their needs and wants. The assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach may be required here.
For a number of years now, I have been doing inner child work, and the term ‘inner child’ may have been something I first heard when I read one of John Bradshaw’s books. I think that his books are terrific.
Anyway, when I first started doing this work I would get in touch with the parts of myself that related to when I was a small boy and, as time has passed, I have got in touch with even younger parts of myself. During these times I have felt like a baby.
More than One
I say ‘parts’ in both cases as I haven’t got in touch with the same part each time I have done this work on myself. This is why I don’t believe that there is just one inner child or one inner baby within me, or anyone else for that matter.
It is usually out of my control as to whether I connect to a child part or a baby part within me. What usually happens is that a wound ends up being triggered within me and when I connect to this wound, it will either be a child part or a baby part.
When I think about these parts, I often see them as being split-off parts. What this means is that whenever I experienced trauma as a child or a baby, a part of me ended up being pushed aside.
But while this stopped my system from being so overwhelmed that I was wiped out, it meant that it wasn’t possible for me to operate as whole human being. I ended up becoming more fractured as time went by.
One thing I have remembered is being separated from my mother when I was born and being left shortly after. Connecting to the pain I experienced during these moments was not easy, but it was good to cry it out.
I have found that there are many layers of pain within me, though, so I haven’t been able to process it all in one go. However, by doing this work on myself, I have been able to let go off a lot of pain and to become more integrated in the process.
Over to You
After hearing this, you may think that inner child or inner baby work sounds like a load of rubbish. Then again, you may have been doing this type of work for a number of years already.
Conversely, you may sense that you are carrying a number of split-off parts within you, and that these parts need your attention. Getting in touch with these parts is one part; another part is being able to hold the space so that they can speak out.
If you find that you are unable to connect to these parts without being overwhelmed, you will probably need to reach out for external support. A therapist or a healer, for instance, can hold the space so that you can go where you wouldn’t go by yourself.
With their presence, you can start to work through the pain that is within you and to gradually become a more integrated human being. After a while, your presence should grow, giving you the ability to hold the space for yourself.
In order for something to grow and develop, it will be important for the right conditions to be in place. This is something gardeners understand and as a result of this, they are able to create the right conditions for seeds to grow, among other things.
Without this understanding, it wouldn’t be possible for them to get consistent results. And when they don’t get the results they want, they might end up putting it down to bad luck or end up blaming something.
Having the right conditions in place doesn’t mean that everything will grow or that everything will be perfect, but it will yield better results than if one had no understanding whatsoever of how to grow things. So one will need to have the right understanding on one side and on the other, the right conditions will need to be in place.
It is clear that seeds are not the only things that need the right conditions in order to grow, and that human beings are exactly the same. One can have the need to express themselves in a certain way, but if they are not in the right environment, it will be a challenge for them to do this.
Just as one could be in the right environment, but if they haven’t got the drive to do anything, it won’t matter. The key to growth and development then, is to have the desire to grow and for one to spend time in the right environments.
In The beginning
When one is born, they will have the need to experience certain things in order for them to grow and develop. However, while the need is there, the environment they are born into might not have allowed them to fulfil their developmental needs.
This could mean that one had to go without having certain needs met or it could mean it was far worse and that they were completely neglected. What happened during this time was largely out of one’s hands.
As an adult, one has far more control than they did during their childhood and this means that their childhood doesn’t have to define their life. This is a time where one can not only get in touch with their need to grow and develop; they can also get themselves into the environments that will enable them to fulfil this need.
What one needs to work on as an adult can all depend on what happened during their childhood. If one’s needs and feelings were ignored as a child, it could mean that one is unaware of their needs and feelings as an adult.
When it comes to one’s emotions for instance, the ideal with be for them to not only be in touch with them, but to also feel comfortable with them. This will mean that one won’t be disconnected from their emotions and neither will they feel as though certain emotions are unacceptable.
But due to what happened during their childhood, one can end up being disconnected from certain emotions. Through how the people around them responded to their emotions and how they expressed their own, one might believe that not all emotions are acceptable.
This sets one up to disconnect from certain emotions and they are then in conflict with them themselves. And just because one disconnects from them, it doesn’t mean they will just disappear.
Every emotion that one has is there for a reason and what can define whether they are good or bad is how one allows an emotion to effect them and the effect it has on others. Just as a knife can be seen as in a positive light if one was to use it to cut food or to eat for instance, but if they were to cut themselves or others, it would be seen in a negative light.
It all comes down to how one responds to how they feel and in the case of a knife, how they use it. One thing that emotions do is provide one with guidance and this can let them know if they are on track and if others are respecting their boundaries.
Yet, if one has disconnected from their emotions or a certain emotion, it might not be possible for them to know if they are on track or if their boundaries are being crossed. One is then not working with themselves, they are working against themselves.
And one emotion that people can end up disconnecting from is anger. But while anger is often seen as a ‘negative emotion’, it plays an important role. In order for one to have a sense of self, they will need to be in touch with their anger.
This is because it will let them know if they are being compromised or violated by others. Just as their anger will give them the power they need to take action. So if one is out of touch with their anger, it will appear in other ways.
Without one having the connection to their anger, they can end up feeling depressed. This can be because they are unaware of their need to speak up, to take action and to acknowledge what is not working in their life.
Another thing that can happen is that one can come across as being apathetic. Nothing bothers them and this is going to mean that it doesn’t matter what happens; as they won’t feel the need to do anything. And because they don’t do anything, there are going to me even more reasons for them to be apathetic.
Their anger could also be known through passive aggressive behaviour. Here, one could turn up late for things, go silent and forget to do things. This shows that even though one might not be able to acknowledge how they feel, it is still having an effect on their behaviour.
Coming across as sarcastic is another thing that can happen when one has lost touch with their anger. This is an indirect way for them to release what has built up within them and it can be done without one having to accept how they feel.
These are just a few things that can occur when one disconnects from their anger. It can also affect one’s body and cause them to have skin problems. One will need to integrate their anger and this can be done by one looking at the associations they have formed around it.
As they start to think about why they reject their anger, they might find that it comes down to the fear of being harmed and/or abandoned. The reason they have these fears could be because of what happened when they were younger.
This could have been a time when one was harmed and/or abandoned for showing their anger. The emotional experiences of the past have then remained in their body and need to be processed in order one to feel that it is safe for them to integrate their anger.
The assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group may be needed here.
If one has read anything do with self help or come across one of the primary figures in the industry, they will have heard of the term ‘Positive Thinking’. This is nothing new and has been around for many years.
In 1952, Norman Vincent Peale published the book - The Power Of Positive Thinking. And then as time went by, this idea was turned into a whole industry. There are numerous books and people that espouse this outlook.
Affirmations are also commonly used in the same way; with all kinds of books and figures recommending them. And then there is something known as the ‘Law Of Attraction’ that has exploded in popularity thanks to certain books and DVDs.
As positive thinking is so popular and has been around for quite some time, it would be natural to see it as normal and the right thing to do. The general human tendency is to avoid pain and to seek pleasure.
So to think positive can assist in this aim and allow the mind to deny and change what the body is emoting and feeling. This will then enable one to see themselves and life in a different way.
Through this process, one’s behaviour can change and result in them having new experiences.
While we all have a brain that thinks, we also have a body that feels, emotes and senses. But due to things like trauma and pain that can build up in the body, one can become stuck in their brain (head).
This can be the result of trauma and pain that was experienced in childhood or in later life. And if this pain becomes too much, it is natural for ones consciousness to remain in the mind.
Here, different defence mechanisms can be used in order to keep this pain at bay. If they were not used, it would be too much and one could die from the overload.
Even though this pain may well have become repressed and locked in the body, it won’t just stay there. The body wants to release this pain and heal itself, but the mind will generally want to avoid the pain.
However, the pain will become known through numerous ways. This can lead to: inner restlessness, negative thoughts, depression, illness, loss, dysfunctional relationships, mental and emotional problems, reactive behaviour, addictions, obsessions and many others things.
The mind has done all it can to keep the pain away, but these can all be signs that the body is what needs to be looked at and not just the mind.
This focus on the mind and the rejection of the body is not something that just happened. And while positive thinking has a time and a place, it has become the primary focus. The body is often overlooked and ignored.
As I have said above, when too much pain is created in the body it is then normal for one to live in their head. So it would make perfect sense to say that part of the reason positive thinking has become so popular is due to people having so much pain in their body.
And is a natural consequence of people becoming estranged from their: emotions, feelings and sensations.
A sense of empowerment and personal power is gained through being grounded in the body. This is where actions come from and without action very little happens. The mind can think as much as it wants and come up with all kinds of fantasies and illusions, but that doesn’t make it reality.
So it would seem odd that in a day where people want to be empowered, that they are not embracing the body and are choosing to live in the mind.
But it would also be completely inaccurate to say this was a conscious choice. If one has a negative relationship to their emotions, then avoiding them would be normal and natural. This is a relationship that is typically formed in ones childhood.
If one had a caregiver that was empathic and therefore emotionally available, it would have resulted in one being emotionally regulated as a child. This means they would have been: validated, soothed, mirrored and touched during emotional unrest or unease.
Two things can occur through this process. One is that one will learn how to regulate their emotions or feel safe enough to seek assistance. And the second thing is that they won’t have to repress their emotions.
When it comes to the unempathic caregiver, the above is unlikely to take place. This means that one will not learn how to regulate their emotions or feel safe enough to ask others for assistance. One will also end up having to repress their emotions.
Now, for some people this will have included emotions that were slightly painful, but not any where near the other end of the spectrum. And for others, this would have been emotions that were extremely painful and even the result of abuse or trauma.
But one thing is certain, if one did not form a healthy relationship with their emotions as a child, then avoiding them is going to be vital. This means the mind is going to be kept extremely busy in trying to block these out.
And positive thinking or affirmations will need to be constantly applied in order to continually repress these emotions and feelings.
This can easily turn into an addiction or an obsession, as to stop thinking positive could cause all kinds of repressed emotions to appear. And as they have been repressed for so long, they could be extremely powerful and overwhelming.
This is not to say that positive thinking should be avoided, but it does mean is that it may be necessary to look a little deeper. To see what is going on in the body and what has built up there.
As when the body is in a place of peace, the mind will often follow suit. If there is conflict in the mind, there is probably conflict in the body. And as one releases what has built up in the body, the need to think positive will not be there as much – simply because there won’t be as much going on.
In the short term it may be more painful to deal with ones repressed emotions and feelings, but the long terms benefits will outweigh the short term pain. This is not something that has to last forever.
And it may be important for one to seek the assistance of a therapist or healer who will allow one to release their emotions in a healthy and supportive way.
About Author -
In recent years, the mainstream media has spoken a lot about mental health. What this has done is created greater awareness around this important topic; something that might not have occurred otherwise.
There are at least two ways that this source has played a part. Firstly, it has spoken about this area directly and, secondly, it has provided certain public figures with a platform to share their own challenges.
Out of the Dark
There is then likely to have been plenty of people who have benefit from what this source has covered in recent years. For one thing, it may have allowed them to realise that they are not the only ones who are going through a tough time.
Their experience would have been normalised, allowing them to reach out for the support that they needed. Yet, even if there are people who haven’t taken this step, at least they will know that they are not the only ones in this position.
A New View
When it comes to the public figures that have opened up about their own struggles, some of these people may have changed how some people perceive mental health problems. One reason for this is that some these people will have been perceived as being strong and having it altogether.
Said another way, as these people have struggled it will have meant that having mental problems doesn’t mean that someone is weak or incapable, for instance. If anything, it simply shows that they are human.
An Important Step
Naturally, if something is seen as a weakness, it is going to be normal for someone to do what they can to cover it up. Opening up abut what they are going through will be seen as something that could cause them to be ostracised.
Taking this into account, the sports stars and actors/actresses that have come forward and opened up have played a key role in changing how mental health problems are viewed. These people are just expressing the truth: having mental problems doesn’t mean that someone is weak, worthless or incapable.
Sadly, there are people out there that won’t have been impacted by any of this, which will mean that they will continue to suffer in silence. For others, hearing about this in the media will have opened them up to reaching out, but they might not know what do to next.
And even for those that have reached out, they may have felt that the support that they did receive was inadequate. In each of these cases, it will be essential for them to think about the fact that they don’t deserve to experience life in this way and that they need to keep going until they receive the assistance that they need.
The Other Side
However, although the mainstream media has played a key role in redefining how some people view mental health problems, and are continuing to do so, it doesn’t mean that they haven’t also played a part in the challenges that some people have had, and still have. To get an idea of what is being spoken about here; one only needs to think about what this source of information typically focuses on.
For so long, this source has focused on stories that are fear-based and, in recent years, this source has given a lot of attention to stories that are designed to cause outrage. It is then as if this source is serving medicine with one hand and poison with the other.
The First Part
When it comes to the fear-based content, this could relate to the need to attack another country due to some made up reason, for instance. Not doing so will be presented as something that would put their very survival at risk.
Hearing stories like this, along with a host of others, can set someone up to experience a fair among of fear and anxiety. Thanks to this fake news - the very thing that this source accuses the alternative media of - so many people will be kept in a continual state of existential angst.
The Second Part
When it comes to the content designed to cause outrage, it could relate to what someone has said or their interpretation of what has been said. The intention will most likely be to get as many people as possible to react in a certain way.
This source will be saying jump and there will be plenty of people who are willing to jump. As a result of this, these people can end up being consumed by anger or rage, with their stress levels going through the roof in the process.
A Fine Line
Clearly, no longer paying attention to what is going in the world is not the answer; this would just cause someone to be uniformed. Nonetheless, there is a massive difference between paying attention to sources that exist to inform and sources that exist to brainwash.
Living in a place of fear or outrage is not going to benefit ones mental and emotional health. Thus, if someone is sucked into what the mainstream media is trying to sell them, it is not going to be a surprise if their inner world is not in a good way.
This is not to say that they will experience inner peace if they no longer pay attention to this source, as there may be other steps that they need to take. There are many things that have an effect on their inner world, including: what they eat, who they spend time with, their sleeping habits, what they do for a living, how long they spend in nature, and the amount of exercise they do, amongst other things.
Along with this, there is the effect that their early years may have had on their brain and body. Having good mental and emotional health is then not about doing one thing in particular; it is about living in the right way.
About Author -
If one was to find people who are still at school and to ask them what they want out of life, a number of them may say that they want to be happy. And even if someone as to say that they want to do well in a certain career, it could still be because this can be seen as something that will lead to the same outcome.
The Same Answer
Along with this, one is also likely to find that people who are lot older have the same desire. If this is not the case, it can be a sign that they are already happy, and this is then not going to be something they desire.
Even so, if one was to go and find these people at another point in time, they might not be experiencing life in the same way. As a result of this, they could be consumed by their need to experience life differently.
It is not going to be hard for one to work out why someone would have this need; in fact, they might have it themselves. When one is happy, they are going to feel good, and this is going to cause them to experience pleasure.
One could believe that they have two options; either they are happy or they are unhappy. Their life is then going to be based around pleasure or it will be based around pain.
Thus, it is going to be normal for them to want to do everything they can to maximize pleasure and minimize pain. As far as they are concerned, the purpose of life itself could be to be happy.
It will then be necessary for them to do everything they can to avoid being unhappy and the pain that this will create. Now, if one is at the beginning of their life, they could be more invested in this outlook.
This can be due to them not having the same amount of life experience as someone who is older, and this can cause them to be more naive. They are less likely to have had the kind of experiences that will cause them to question how they believe their life should be.
On the other hand, if one was older they could see that life doesn’t always go to plan, and that it’s not possible to always be happy. One way of looking at it would be to say that when one is younger they will be idealistic and when they are older they will be realistic.
A Time and Place
Still, there is clearly a time and a place for both ways of looking at life, and even though someone who is older could be more realistic this is not always going to be the case. Instead, one could be at the beginning of their life and they may have had a number of different experiences.
It then won’t matter how old they are, as the experiences they have had will have opened their eyes to the world. And if they have a strong need to be happy, it could mean that what they have gone through hasn’t been very pleasant.
If one is a fully grown adult, the kinds of experiences they have had are not going to have stopped them from wanting to be happy. What they have gone through is then not going to make them question if they can attain this goal; it will simply make them try even harder.
But if they do have moments when they begin to doubt if they can fulfil this need, it could be covered up. What is taking place within them is then going to end up being ignored and their need to be happy will soon take precedence.
It is then not just that one wants to be happy, it is that this is something that is incredibly important. One will then be doing the right thing by allowing this to be something that consumes their whole life.
That is unless they are able to experience happiness, and then they will be able to settle down and enjoy what is taking place. At the same time, this could be a time where they will be thinking about how long it will last.
Therefore, out of their need to try and control what is taking place, they can end up missing out on the very thing they desire. If they were to detach from what is taking place in their mind, it would allow them to embrace the present moment.
Yet even when they have the desire to be happy, this can also stop them from being able to be happy. On one side, they will be avoiding the present moment, and on the other, they will have the need to do something.
What is taking place in their life can then be harder for them to handle, as they will have the need to experience life differently. If they were able to surrender, they may find that they start to feel different.
And as they believe that they should be happy, they can feel like a failure if they are unhappy. They may find that they start to experience life differently if they were let go of this need.
A Different Purpose
One may find that they will have a more fulfilling life let go of the need to be happy all the time and to focus on living a purposeful life instead. This won’t allow them to always feel good, but what it will do is give them something far more substantial.
There will be good moments and bad moments, and this will be a lot easier to handle when one is doing what matters to them. By doing what gives their life meaning, they might even let go of the need to be happy all the time.
If one has the need to be happy all the time, it can be a sign that they find it hard to tolerate ‘negative’ emotions. It can then be necessary for them to develop the ability to regulate how they feel, and this is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist.
In today’s world, depression has become a word that carries enormous weight; either for people who have it or for people who hear about it. It could also be described as a modern day taboo, with people often wanting to avoid the whole thing.
However, what is clear is that depression is not something that can be ignored. It is a very real challenge in today’s world. And this is just one aspect of what are often described as ‘mental health’ problems.
This is not something that can be cited as having one cause, as there are often said to be numerous causes. These can be: genetics, diet, repression, chemical imbalance, abuse, illness, the environment and other factors.
And as we are all so different, it’s not a case of one cause being the same for everyone. So as this is such a complex area and not something that can be put into one box; I will cover one of the above aspects that can cause depression.
On the Google home page, it is described as the following -
1.Severe despondency and dejection, accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.
2. A condition of mental disturbance, typically with lack of energy and difficulty in maintaining concentration or interest in life.
So here, one feels at a low ebb and is unable to feel any positive emotions. Their energy is gone and the will to live doesn’t exist either.
While depression is often treated as a taboo, emotions are not too far behind in this respect. They are generally ignored and this is partly due to a lack of understanding in how to deal with them. One is not simply born with emotionally intelligence; this is something that has to be learnt.
And when it comes to how one responds and perceives their emotions, the childhood years are typically the most important time. This time will often define what kind of relationship one will have with their emotions.
This relationship can be just like a relationship that one has with other human beings; it can be positive and empowering or it can be negative and distempering. So emotions can be seen as problems and as something that one needs to avoid or as feedback and as something that one needs to listen to.
The Education System
One of the reasons this time is so important, is that one doesn’t usually learn about their emotions during their years of being in education. Certain areas are seen as vital, but emotional intelligence is a new thing.
This means that the early relationship that was formed with their emotions will generally be carried into their adult years. And it won’t matter if this relationship is healthy or unhealthy.
So coming back to this early relationship, there can be two ways that one can develop in order to cope with their emotions. And this will generally depend on how their caregivers responded to ones emotions as a child and to their own emotions.
Here, a child will develop the ability to regulate their emotions; this means that they will rarely act on them or deny that they exist and repress them. They will be able to just be with them, without getting too caught up in them. And if they become too overwhelming, the child will learn that it is safe to seek assistance in others.
In this case, the child will not develop the ability to regulate their emotions. This means that the child will have to either act on them or to deny and repress them. They won’t be able to just be with them and will end up being caught up in them. And during times of being overwhelmed, they are unlikely to feel safe asking for assistance.
Empathic and Unempathic
The first example will relate to a caregiver that is empathic and the second example is for a caregiver that is unempathic. An empathic caregiver is emotionally available and will generally mirror, match, hold and sooth their child during emotional distress.
And an unempathic caregiver will is likely to be emotional unviable. So this means that they generally won’t mirror, match, hold or sooth their child during emotional distress.
These are just general guidelines, as there is likely to be moments where it won’t be this black and white. However, this creates an idea about what it is like.
As a result of the above taking place, it is likely to lead to completely different consequences. If as a child, one learned to regulate their emotions through having an empathic caregiver; it is likely to mean that one will have a tendency to either regulate their emotions or to seek support in other people.
And if as a child, one didn’t learn how to regulate their emotions through having an unempathic caregiver; it is likely to mean that they will have a tendency of either repressing their emotions or of acting on them.
So the first child is rarely going to have to repress their emotions and this means that when this child grows into an adult, there shouldn’t be the need to repress them either.
But the second child, who has to repress their emotions, will likely grow into an adult that continues to repress their emotions. And this is inevitably gong to lead to an emotional build up in the body.
These emotions will have accumulated from when one was a child and all of the emotions that one has experienced as an adult, but denied and ignored.
Different Types Of Repression
For some people, this will involve certain moments as a child where they were abandoned, ignored, rejected, humiliated, felt hopeless, helpless, suicidal, guilty and ashamed for instance.
These can relate to the odd occasion or perhaps when one experienced these things on a daily or consistent basis. This can also include traumatic moments where one was: physically, emotionally or intellectually abused as a child.
And due to these moments taking place many years ago, they are generally blocked from the mind. But the body remembers these feelings and will not be silenced until they are recognised. This creates a heavy burden on the body and can result in a loss of energy.
In the beginning these may have only been emotions or feelings, but as time has gone on, they have become emotional states and have completely taken over. A bit like how one weed appears and soon after, the whole patch is covered in weeds.
So the fact that there were only one or two weeds to begin with is hard to comprehend and finding the original weeds or weeds can then be extremely difficult. Here one no longer feels one or two emotions, but has become emotionally trapped. And no longer experiences one or two emotions, but a general feeling of being overwhelmed or – depressed.
It could be that one has felt this way their whole life or that one felt this way after a certain experience. This could be the result of some kind of loss or traumatic occurrence that triggered emotions that have been trapped and frozen in the body for so long.
For the first person it may be experienced as normal and how life is, simply because they have never felt any different. And for the other person, it might not feel normal. This could be due to the fact that these feelings have been repressed for so many years and this has caused a disconnection to occur.
Perhaps one has recognised the connection between how they felt as a child and how they feel as adult or just that they need to be assisted emotionally. And this can be done through the help of a healer or a therapist that will allow one to feel and therefore release their emotions
This doesn’t mean that one will be forever caught up in them. If it is done right, it means that one will be able to let go of the emotions that have built up.
Once someone has read a book, they can to leave a review on a popular website, and this can take place even if they have bought the book offline. In addition to this, they can also leave a review if they bought the book on another site.
However, even though one has the opportunity to do this, it doesn’t mean that they will. Now, this doesn’t necessarily mean they didn’t enjoy the book; it could simply come down to the fact that they can’t be bothered.
For example, when one has read the book, they could end up moving onto the next one. Or, they could have other things that consume their attention, and this could show that they don’t even think about leaving one.
If they enjoyed reading the book, they might not feel the need to do anything else; it is then going to be as if they have got what they need and that’s all there is to it. But even if they didn’t enjoy reading it, they could still move on.
This could be different if one reads a lot of books and their friends are also the same. In this case, they could talk to them about what they thought of it, and one could tell them to read it if they enjoyed it.
Yet, if they didn’t enjoy it, they could still recommend it, and this can show that they don’t believe that their view is the only view. Alternatively, they could say that it’s not a good book and that they shouldn’t waste their time with it.
If one was to read a book and they felt the need to leave a review, it could be sad that there is a strong chance that it wasn’t what they expected. There could be a number of things that they didn’t like about it.
Having said that, it could be far worse than this, and one could wonder why it was ever published. This is then similar to how people are more likely to talk about a bad meal than a good one.
It is said that human beings are programmed to focus on negativity, and this is seen as something that would have kept them alive in the past. As if one was to focus on the positive, their life might improve, but if they avoided the negative, they could die.
Times have now changed and it is no longer necessary to behave in his way, however, the brain is still responding to how life used to be. Therefore, if one was to read a book and it blew them away, for instance, it is not going to have the same effect as it would if it didn’t meet their expectations.
Out of Balance
Based on this, it could be said that it can be a challenge to understand how good a book is simply by looking through what people have said. With this in mind, one could miss out on a good book if they were to purely listen to what other people have said.
But if they were to allow other people to decide for them, it could be said that this will also be a result of evolution. Many, many years ago, doing what other people did would have also increased their chances of survival.
During this time, if one was to see a lot of people running and they were to think about what is going on, they could end up being eaten alive. It would have been in their best interest to do what other people were doing.
Going along with others would have been the best thing to do; whereas if would have been a risk for people to come to their own conclusions. Nowadays, even though it is generally in one’s best interest to think for themselves, it can be easier to follow the crowd.
Taking the Plunge
If one was to buy a book even though the reviews were not all positive, they could be in for a pleasant surprise. They could find it hard to understand why other people didn’t have the same outlook.
At the same time, they could read a book that has only received positive reviews and end up feeling disappointed. In the first example, they would have used their own brain and, in the second example, they would have put it to one side.
If one was to reflect on this, they might see that it shows how they can’t always trust what other people say. When it comes to someone who has written a book (or a number of them), they could end up experiencing a negative reaction if another person was to leave a negative review.
What they could do here is to step back from how they feel and to look into what has been said. At this time, they could think about how this only going to be the other persons opinion.
A Subjective Experience
Ultimately, no matter what their book is like, it is not going to be possible for everyone to like it. When they read their book, there is the chance that this person was comparing it to another one they had read.
This can then mean that it doesn’t match up with this book, and this can be a book that also has negative reviews. If they have left a really bad review, it can be a sign that they are not currently in a good place themselves.
While one can be affected by what has been said, they might not respond in this way if they knew who wrote it. For example, if an athlete had just performed at their best and another person who had no idea what they were talking about said it was rubbish, there would be no reason for them to take it seriously.
One can see if there is anything positive to take from it, and if there isn’t, they can ignore it; what matters is that they don’t allow a negative review to hold them back. And if they don’t write to please others, it will be easier for them to keep going.
About Author -
There are lots of ways for people to define themselves and to give their life meaning. And one of the ways that this can be done is for someone to get into astrology. In the western world, this will often involve someone finding out about their star sign and then seeing how they match up with it.
There is going to be the chance that one finds that their sign matches them perfectly. For others, it could be something that partly reflects who they are. And on the other side of the spectrum, it could be something has no relevance to who they are.
How someone responds to their sign can all depend on what they are like. Some people are critical and even sceptical and will dismiss most of what they here. Whereas other people will simply accept everything that is associated with their sign and they won’t question any of it.
And what this comes down to is the fact that it is possible for human beings to see what they want to see, and to filter out what they don’t want to see. It will be possible for someone to look at each of the twelve signs and find something they can relate to.
This is to be expected, as human beings are multifaceted. So for someone to form an identity based on their star sign or to form an opinion of someone else based on their star sign is bound to be limiting.
One is putting themselves in a box and cutting themselves of from every other part of their nature. And through doing this to others, it is not going to be possible for them to see other people differently.
And although people often believe that their star sign is all there is to astrology, it is just one sign. Their star sign is just one part of their birth chart, and this chart is made up of many signs.
Without even going into the birth chart, what this reflects is the fact human beings are not one dimensional. Similarly to how men are not all the same and neither are women, there is so much variation in life.
The World Is Our Mirror
If someone has formed an idea of someone, based on their star sign, there is the chance that their mind will filter out anything that goes this idea. This idea is not only going to shape the perception that one has of another; it is also going to shape their behaviour.
This can then lead to what is classed as a self fulfilling prophecy. If one responds to others in a certain way, they are going to influence how others respond to them. One could then take this as a confirmation of what people are like who have a certain sign; taking on the position of being nothing more than an observer of what is taking place.
However, what they are overlooking is the part they have played. And how human beings are not only the observers of what they experience, they are also the co-creators.
One could have a pattern in their life of being around people who act in a certain way. One approach would be to say that this is due to these peoples star signs and that they are all like it. And yet, if one has a pattern of attracting people into their life who are a certain way, it might be beneficial to put astrology to one side.
It wouldn’t be hard to find two people of the same sign who are extremely different. One of them could be described as ‘good’, and the other could be described as ‘bad’. Instead of looking eternally and labelling people with a certain sign as being the problem, one could look at what is going on within themselves.
Pros And Cons
No matter whether one is talking about astrology or going on holiday, there are pro and cons to everything. But if one was to focus purely on what is wrong with something, they are going to miss out on what is good about it.
One approach would be to step back from ones judgements and to see what is taking place within themselves. For if one continues to have challenges with people who are a certain sign, perhaps they are they are reminding them of what they need to heal within themselves.
Someone could point the finger at someone’s sign or they could find something else to focus on, but what is clear is their buttons are being pressed. So one either has the change to allow another to be a mirror and to see what they are being reminded off, or they can lose touch with what is taking place internally and simply blame another.
The first approach will allow one to evolve; the second approach will cause one to stay where they are.
If someone who had a painful childhood was to talk about what took place to another person, they may end up being told that they need to forgive their parents. This could be something that they come out with more or less straight away or it may have taken a while.
Furthermore, one could be told that what they went through is all in the past and now they need to put it behind them. And that if they don’t do this, it will stop them from being able to live a good life.
A Heavy Weight
Thus, in the same way that an anchor will stop a ship from moving forward, their attachment to the past will do the same thing. The sooner they are able to see this, the sooner they will be able to let go of what took place all those years ago.
Forgiving their parents for what happened is going to be essential if they want to let go of the pain that they are in and to experience inner peace. This could be something that takes place directly or they could write a letter and send it to them.
Once this has taken place, they may find that they start to feel better. Also, the person who told them to do this, along with a number of other people, could say that they did the right thing.
The days and weeks could go by and their life could continue to improve, with it being clear that they made the right decision. Then again, what they may find is that they have simply pushed down their true feelings and are living in denial.
A Different Approach
Although forgiveness was put forward as the solution to what they were going through, it doesn’t mean it is the right solution. One way of looking at it would be to say that it doesn’t matter whether they forgive their parents or not; what matters is that they heal their inner wounds.
A number of years may have passed since they were a child, but the pain that they experienced during this time is still going to be held in their body. And, unless they work through this pain, it is likely to be more or less impossible for them to move on.
A big part of them – their inner child – is going to be in a lot of pain, and this part of them will want to be acknowledged and to express all of the pain that it has carried for so long. Unsurprisingly, they are not going to resolve this pain by simply forgiving their parents.
If their emotional pain was solely caused by the thoughts in their head, this approach might work. Yet, as emotional pain is held in their body, changing their thoughts is not going to get to the root of what they are experiencing.
By healing their inner wounds, they may start to experience compassion towards their parents. If so, they won’t need to force themselves to forgive them; it will be a by-product of healing themselves.
They may also gradually come to see their parents are just flawed human beings, not as gods. This would show that they are seeing them through adult eyes, as opposed to the eyes of their wounded inner child.
If someone is in a lot of pain, and they want to heal their winner wounds, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
Just because super heroes are not real people, it doesn’t mean that some people don’t try to mimic them in the real world. When this takes place, someone can have the tendency to try to save/rescue others.
These are unlikely to be people who are stuck in a burning building or who are about to be crushed, for instance, but they are going to have problems. They could have emotional problems, be stuck in unfulfilling relationships or just feel a bit lost in life, amongst other things.
A Strong Attraction
Yet, regardless of what they are going through, someone will be drawn to them like a magnet is drawn to metal. Their life can be put to one side, that’s if they have much of a life, and their whole focus can be on another person’s life.
It might not even matter if another person has asked for their help as they could literally steamroll in and give it to them anyway. This could be just one more person in their life who they are trying to fix.
From the outside, it may seem as though they don’t have needs or that they always put other people’s needs before their own. In reality, someone like this probably feels ashamed of their own needs, which is why they are so consumed with other people’s needs.
Not only this, they can also feel extremely incapable at a deeper level, with this being the reason why they believe that other people need to be fixed. But, due to being out of touch with this part of themselves, they project how they feel into others.
Taking this into account, being there for others in this way allows them to keep their true feelings at bay. What this also means is that their true intention is not to actually assist another; it is keep them were they are or to allow them to rise slightly higher.
The reason for this is that if another person was to actually get back on their feet, they would no longer be able to project how they feel into them. It is then going to be essential for them to make sure that another person continues to play the same role or else they might have to face with their own inner wounds.
Someone like this can then come across as being capable and even powerful, yet this is likely to have very little in common with how they truly feel. If they actually felt capable, there would be no need for them to believe that other people need to be saved.
They might see that there at times when people need help, but this is going to be radically different. Offering assistance is not the same as trying to save/rescue another; the former will empower them and allow them to stand on their own two feet, while the latter will disempower them and set them up to be dependent.
If someone can see that they have the inclination to try to fix others, overlooking their own needs in the process and setting others up to be dependent on them in one way or another, they may need to reach out for external support. By having this external support, it will allow them to face the pain within them that they have been trying to avoid for so long.
This support is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
In Today’s world there is an intense focus on what we eat and on the importance of exercise. If one eats the right foods and eats them at the right time, along with the right amount of exercise; then one is likely to end up in physical shape. Now, for some this may work and for others this will not be enough.
There is another component that is being left out here and one that is probably the strongest motivator of all. What I am talking about here are our emotions. These are what drive most of our behaviour and this means that in order for one to seek to change their appearance or health in the first place; ones emotions will have been involved.
The Hidden Motivators
However, the emotions that drive one to consume such large amounts of food, to eat when one isn’t hungry or to eat foods that are not particularly healthy; is rarely considered or mentioned. This could be in the mainstream media or in a more personal setting.
Perhaps emotions are not spoken of in the mainstream media due to the amount of money that is made from such high consumption and there are no doubt many other theories and ideas as to why this is. But, in order for this situation to exist in the first place; the need has to already exist in the consumer.
If one is a conscious individual or is even moderately conscious, then it wouldn’t matter what foods this person was exposed or how aesthetically pleasing to the eye they were. Although this could be cakes or snacks; this could also include any type of food and foods that one may have a certain craving for.
To be a conscious eater means that one has a choice as to whether they will eat or not. Instead of continually eating on impulse or when they are emotionally affected. And when one engages in emotional eating, they are usually doing so without being conscious and aware of what is occurring.
What Is Emotional Eating?
Emotional eating is when we eat in order to suppress and escape from a certain emotion or an emotional experience; with food changing how we feel. And because of how fast and natural this process often is, it is unlikely that it will be noticed or questioned - and therefore stopped or changed.
This may have been a pattern that one has carried out for so long, that it is has become a habit. And what the food is doing, is allowing one to emotionally regulate themselves.
A Closer Look
First off; emotional eating is probably something that everyone does from time to time. We are all human after all; we are not perfect and neither are we meant to be. The intention here is not to label emotional eating as right or wrong or good or bad; that is an approach that will only make things worse and would probably lead to more emotional eating.
It is purely to take closer look and to create awareness around this area. To bring to ones attention what is causing them to act in certain ways. Ultimately, emotional eating is no different to anything else, in that, if it is done to the extreme, it has the potential to lead to dysfunctional consequences. And with this being an area that related to our own healthy, it is undoubtedly an important area to look into.
A Special Relationship
As well as the effect that the food is having per se, there are associations that may also be triggered through food. In the very beginning of life, one comes to experience food as nurturing through being breast fed. And if one wasn’t breast fed, then one is likely to have fond memories of being given food to cheer them up and certain types of food that were made by someone close to them.
The quality of nurturing that one got in these early years will often define how much one will rely on food to assist in emotional regulation.
Through being given food by the people around us as a child, our emotional state was being externally affected. And if food wasn’t being used then our caregivers would have been there to mirror, sooth and regulate our emotions. We would also have been given the emotional nurturing that we needed to develop. As a young child, it is said that our nervous system is not developed enough to do this task and therefore we need our caregivers to do this for us.
And as a consequence of our caregivers being there during times of emotional distress or even when emotions appear, we will then begin to develop this ability ourselves. The process is a lot more complex than this, but this is a basic understanding of it.
The Real World
For some, the above may be true and these will be individuals that are comfortable with their emotions and who feel emotionally whole. They will have the ability to simply sit with them, to sooth themselves and to channel them into something more productive. Or they will be comfortable enough, to share their emotions with others. However, for individuals that haven’t had these early experiences of being emotionally regulated and nurtured; emotions will be problematic, overwhelming and even something to be ashamed off.
As ones emotions were allowed to build up and were not acknowledged when they were formed; they will be a lot stronger than they would normally be. And by this I mean that; as they are being fuelled by the past that has not been processed, it is inevitable that they will be stronger.
When this inner ability is not there, food is the ideal option. On one side it will allow one to regulate their emotions and on the other side it will allow one to temporarily have the emotionally nurturing that one didn't have as a child. The trouble with food is that it is only a short term solution. And the majority of food that is sought after during these times is unhealthy. Foods like chocolate, release endorphins into our brains, as does exercise. This is the happy chemical and will be more than welcome if one were to be experiencing ’negative’ emotions.
Exercise, if not taken to the extreme, is healthier than consuming lots of Junk food. While this is so, it could also become another escape and addiction.
The ideal here is to be able to self regulate and to feel comfortable in reaching out to others when this is not possible. This ability is unlikely to be developed over night and it will require patience and commitment. And depending on one’s individual needs and psychological disposition, other options might have to be considered. So always follow your own truth and insights.
One thing a good therapist, healer or coach can do is to allow one to express their emotions in a safe environment. From here, one can begin to form a relationship with their emotions. And start to gain the emotional nurturing that they didn’t get all those years ago. Here one will begin to see their emotions as feedback and as something that needs to be heard and acknowledged; not to be feared or run away from.
Awareness is the key here; with it, one can see that they are more than their emotions and without it; emotions can seem to be as all there is. The heart can also assist in emotional regulation.
Although human beings are made up of many different selves, such as an intellectual and an emotional self, it doesn’t mean that everyone on this planet is in touch with each of these selves. If someone is in touch with each part of themselves, it could be said that they will be operating as a whole human being.
One will be able to think clearly and they will be in touch with their feelings. Through being this way, it will be possible for them to not only perform a certain job well, they will also be able to form deeper connections with others.
This is because their emotional self will be what allows them to truly connect with others, whereas their intellectual self alone is not going to allow this to take place. Furthermore, their emotional self will also provide them with guidance.
So, when it comes to whether or not they should do something or if they should say yes or no, for instance, this part of them will give them the information that they need. This part of them will tell them what their needs are.
It Doesn’t Stop
One way of looking at this would be to say that their emotional self is their inner guidance system. No matter what time of the day it is or where they are, this part of them will always be there.
To live a fulfilling life, it will be essential for them to listen to this part of them and to utilise the information that it provides. Going against this part of them is only going to cause them to suffer unnecessarily.
If one was to look back on their life, they may see that there have been times when they have ignored this part of themselves. Consequently, it might not have been long until they paid the price.
Then again, there may have been a time in their life when this was just how their life was, meaning that ignoring themselves was normal. They are then going to be only too familiar with what it is like to ignore this part of themselves.
Being this way doesn’t mean that one will completely overlook other people needs; what it means is that they won’t be interested in living a life where they ignore their needs and are totally consumed with other people’s needs. Putting their own needs to one side from time to time is going to be radically different to always doing this.
Also, being connected to how they feel doesn’t mean that they will constantly be expressing how they feel, either. They will realise that there is a time to express how they feel and a time to keep how they feel to themselves, containing what is taking place within them.
If someone isn’t in touch with their emotional self, only having a connection to their intellectual self, they are not going to be operating as a whole human being. As a result of this, they probably won’t have a very good connection with their body.
There is then the chance that they won’t have trouble thinking clearly, but that it will be a challenge for them to connect to how they feel and to know what their needs are. When they are at work they could be fine, yet when they are around others, it could be a different story.
Due to being out of touch with their emotional self, their connections with others are unlikely to be very deep. And if they are in a relationship, their partner could often tell them that they are distant and even emotionally unavailable.
Still, one could be out of touch with this part of themselves and not even realise it. There can then be moments when they feel empty, and they may see that they don’t feel strongly connected to anyone, but it doesn’t mean that they will look into what is going on.
Enough is enough
If someone like this was to get to the point where living in this way was too painful, no longer wanting to feel cut off from themselves, others or even numb, they could end up looking into what is going on. What they could find out is that the reason they are experiencing life in this way is because they have experienced trauma.
Disconnecting from their body, along with their emotional self in the process, was a way for them to survive what happened to them. Thus, in the same way that they would leave an environment if it was dangerous, they left their body as it was too painful for them to inhabit it.
In The Past
This may relate to what they have been through as an adult or it could go back to what took place during their early years. If it goes back to their early years, there is the chance that they were abused and/or neglected.
This would have been a time when they were not equipped to deal with a lot of pain, yet their whole system would have felt overwhelmed on a daily/weekly basis. The only way for them to handle this pain would have been to leave their body.
What kept them alive as a child is now going to be making their life harder than it needs to be. Even so, this is not to say that one should try to dive into their body and to deal with the pain that is there.
For one thing, this approach could end up overwhelming them, but, as they have been out of touch with their body for so many years, it is highly unlikely that they will just be able to get back in there. Getting back in touch with this part of them can take a little while, irrespective of how committed they are.
If one can relate to this, and they want to become an integrated human being, they will probably need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
When a man and a woman first get together it can be going along nicely and as soon as things start to become a little more serious, a man can begin to pull away. This is naturally going to be confusing for the woman and may make no sense whatsoever.
And it can depend on how connected the woman felt to the man, as to how she responds to what took place. If everything was going well and there was the potential for so much more to occur, then there is higher chance that there will not only be anger and frustration, but also a sense of sadness and even loss.
It could be devastating and the consequences could be severe; especially if this is something she has experienced time and time again. A one off may be dismissed, but to continually attract a man who is unavailable could be overwhelming and hard to comprehend.
There is often said to be a whole range of reasons as to why a guy would pull away. And these can include a guy that is: not fully interested in the women, is at a stage where he is not ready to settle down or doesn’t want to lose his freedom, amongst other reasons.
These can sound reasonable and may settle a women’s mind. However, if they are with a man who is into them just as must as they are into him, these are unlikely to really answer a woman’s questions.
As it was going well and flowing along nicely, it would be clear that the interest is there. And while the man may not be ready to settle down, if he has met someone he has clicked with, surely he would be open to going further. Certain freedoms may be lost, but other freedoms would be gained along the way.
At first these reasons might settle a woman’s thoughts and emotions, but based on the human need to connect with another human being, it is often more about someone’s level of emotional maturity that it is about these other reasons.
In The Beginning
From the start the man could come across as being fairly interested or he could across as being extremely into the woman. And if the man was extremely keen in the beginning, it is going to be more of a shock when he pulls away.
This could be man that is in regular contact and one who wants to spend as much time as possible with the woman and take her to places. Or in the case of a guy who is fairly interested, this might just include wanting to see her on a regular basis and to keep everything fairly consistent.
So at one moment, a woman can feel that the man is into her and everything is going so well. And the next moment, the man can become: cold, distant and completely unavailable.
Hot And Cold
While the above could be what happens, it could also be something that goes in cycles. So it is not a case of the man being available and then not being available and that’s the end of it. The man could be available and then unavailable and then after a while become available again and the cycle then continues.
When this happens, a woman could end up being taken advantage of and compromising, if she hasn’t got strong boundaries. The man could then be pursued and come to conclude that his behaviour is acceptable to the woman.
And if a woman is constantly attracting these kinds of men into her life, then it could be a sign of her own fear of intimacy. Consciously there may be the desire to connect with a man and to avoid being abandoned and at a deeper level; there could be a fear of being engulfed by one.
The Unavailable Man
So as he is available at first and then shortly after becomes unavailable, it is likely that he has a fear of intimacy at a deeper level. The reason he comes on so strong at first could relate to his conscious fear of being abandoned.
And as the relationship grows stronger, his deeper fear of being engulfed arises. When he pulls away and this deeper fear settles down, the fear of being abandoned can arise once more and the interest can reappear.
These fears are not necessarily problems per se, what can lead to problems are when these fears are reacted to, instead of faced, processed and healed.
One of the primary causes of this type of behaviour and these inner fears that causes it is the relationship a man had with his mother as a child. This could have been a mother that was emotional undeveloped and so used her son to take care of her own needs and wants.
And as she was not aware of her own behaviour and out of tune with her sons needs, she ended up smothering her son in the process. The son would have wanted his mother to fulfil his wants and needs, but would have feared being smothered if this took place.
Whether he got attention or not would therefore lead to the experience of pain. To be left would cause the feeling of being abandoned, but if the mother was available it would result in the feeling of being engulfed.
These inner fears are creating conflict for the man and until they become aware of them, there is unlikely to be any real change. These fears and emotions, that have remained trapped in the body since those early years, can be released with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
When a woman feels completely comfortable with intimacy, it is unlikely that she would be attracted to a man who is not. So a woman may also have some letting go to do.
In today's world it is often believed that there are two ways to be in life, and one of these ways is often seen as good and another is often seen as bad. The first is to take action and to take life by the horns, which is the good way, and the second option is to be lazy and to sit around doing nothing, which is the bad way.
It is then as though there is no middle ground here; one is either a doer or they are someone who doesn't do anything. In addition to this, they can either receive positive feedback from others or they can end up being put down.
Socially Acceptable Behaviour
So, then, if someone is a go getter and doesn't sit around like some people do, they are typically going to be seen as someone who lives in the right way. What could add to this is that one may have achieved a fair amount of material success.
Through being in this position, it will be seen as further evidence that they are behaving in the right way. What this comes down to is that material success is often seen as a sign of how well someone is doing in life.
What this person owns will then be a reflection of what they have done up until this point in their life. Therefore, it if wasn't for everything they had done, their life would be very different.
Their life would be more like the life of someone who just sits around and doesn't do anything. Unlike these kinds of people, one won't be willing to sit around and to wait for things to just happen.
The Other Experience
If someone does sit around and doesn't do a lot, they could end up be labelled as being lazy. Other people could tell them that they need to stop sitting around and to do something with their life.
Someone like this might not live on the street, but they probably won't have a lot compared with the person above. One may have been told on a number of occasions that they are not on this planet to waste time.
In order for one to get themselves out of this position and to make something of their life, it will be essential for them to take action. Instead of sitting around all the time, it will be vital for them to become a doer.
Behaving in this will allow them to pull themselves out of the hole that they are in and to attain material success. And, once they have done this, they will be seen as someone who has 'made it' in the modern day world.
One way of looking at this would be to say that when one sits around and doesn't do anything, they will be like a broken down car. But, when they are someone who takes action, they will be like a car that is always in use.
One will have gone from one extreme to another, with this being the 'answer' to most of their problems. However, while a car can sit around or be driving around for just about every moment of the day, it can also have moments when it sits around and moments when it drives around.
Back To Reality
In the same way, a human being can also have moments when they sit back and just be, and they can have moments when they take action and do. After all, there is a reason why human beings are called human beings and not human doings.
Even so, a lot of people on this planet are human beings in name only, having lost the ability to just be. As a result of this, surrendering to life is something that is rarely even spoken about, let alone something that rarely takes place, and, even if it is, it is often seen as something that is negative or weak.
If someone was to think about this word, what could come to mind is throwing the towel in, so to speak, and giving up. Yet, even if this meaning doesn't come to mind, what could come to mind is simply sitting around and waiting for things to happen.
So, thanks to the conditioning that they will have received over the years, it is going to be perfectly normal for them to be repelled by this idea. Ultimately, one is going to want to be in the driver's seat, not simply lying in the back of the car whilst someone else drives.
A Big Challenge
When one surrenders it doesn't mean that they are giving up; what it means is that they are giving up control and trusting that everything will happen as it needs to. This is not another technique, though, it is what happens when one fully lets go and is able to embrace their body.
One of the reasons why this can be hard to do is because ones body can carry a fair amount of emotional pain, meaning that getting out of their head and being in their body can be overwhelming. Taking action and trying to make everything happen, on the other hand, can allow them to avoid this pain.
If they were able to get in touch with their body and to tune into how they feel, they may get a lot of insight as to why they have been unable to surrender. During this time, all kinds of feelings may arise.
They could end up feeling worthless, rejected, and abandoned, wondering if anything will happen if they allow themselves to surrender and only take inspired action. This can be a sign that their early years were not very nurturing.
Back In Time
When one was born, not only would they have been a human being in the truest sense of the word, they would have also not been able to do a lot. This was then a time in their life when they had no other choice than to surrender and to trust that their needs would be met.
Nonetheless, while this was the case, they may have been brought up by caregivers who were not attuned to their needs. Consequently, one may have spent a lot of time feeling rejected and abandoned, and this would have caused them to experience a fair amount of shame.
A Big Impact
The time in their life when they did surrender would have been very traumatic, so it is not going to be a surprise that they find it hard to surrender as an adult. The people who they trusted to look after them would have let them down, so why would they trust the universe (or another description that works for them) to be there for them?
As they were not there for them, it would have most likely set them up to believe that it was because they didn't deserve to have their needs met. This will be the reason why they believe that they don't deserve to receive anything from the universe either.
If one can relate to this, and they no longer want to struggle and strain, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
By working through the trauma that is within them, they will gradually be able to settle into their body and to trust in life. It is highly unlikely that this will take place overnight - it will take patience and persistence.
Teacher, prolific writer, author, and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With over two thousand in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.
To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/